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  • Date Widowed
    Winter 2012
  • Cause of death
    car accident
  • Spouse's Age

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  1. I didn't write it, but felt it touched on how it feels, 9 years down the road, for me.
  2. May need to consult my financial planner or lawyer about this but maybe one of you have dealt with this. My son turns 18 in 6 months!!! So, as I am not recoupled, was considering putting his name on things so he could access them in case of ER. Like on my checking account. Maybe on the car title, too. I have my finances like insurance policy and such in his name as the beneficiary. But this is different. This would be ICE he would have access to my accounts. I was on my mother's so I could manage hers. I know, she was elderly, and it was different. Anyone do this? It would be only ICE. He is a mature young man. Any downsides?
  3. The Stone in Your Pocket The best way I can describe grieving over a loved one as the years go by is to say it’s similar to carrying a stone in your pocket. When you walk, the stone brushes against your skin. You feel it. You always feel it. But depending on the way you stand or the way your body moves, the smooth edges might barely graze your body. Sometimes you lean the wrong way or you turn too quickly and a sharp edge pokes you. Your eyes water and you rub your wound but you have to keep going because not everyone knows about your stone or if they do, they don’t realize it can still bring this much pain. There are days you are simply happy now, smiling comes easy and you laugh without thinking. You slap your leg during that laughter and you feel your stone and aren’t sure whether you should be laughing still. The stone still hurts. Once in a while you can’t take your hand off that stone. You run it over your fingers and roll it in your palm and are so preoccupied by it’s weight, you forget things like your car keys and home address. You try to leave it alone but you just can’t. You want to take a nap but it’s been so many years since you’ve called in “sad” you’re not sure anyone would understand anymore or if they ever did. But most days you can take your hand in and out of your pocket, feel your stone and even smile at its unwavering presence. You’ve accepted this stone as your own, crossing your hands over it, saying “mine” as children do. You rest more peacefully than you once did, you’ve learned to move forward the best you can. Some days you want to show the world what a beautiful memory you’re holding. But most days you twirl it through your fingers, smile and look to the sky. You squeeze your hands together and hope you are living in a way that honors the missing piece you carry, until your arms are full again.
  4. "Pervasive sadness." I have this "what am I do to do the rest of my life?" feelings that are empty. I have times of joy and then they turn to sadness quickly as I don't have my person to share them with, mostly with my son's growth. I was sitting in church, and I was thinking about my son's first date he had last night, and he asked her to prom. And I was smiling, under my mask, and then it changed to that hurt in my middle, and tears welled up. His dad was supposed to be here for this. His dad was supposed to talk to him about girls, dating, everything. He has had to have just me. And he did tell his youth leader two weeks ago he had a girlfriend now. And I was so happy he shared that but then remembered he chose him because he could not tell his dad. He has accomplished so much in the 9 years his dad has been deceased. That is hard for me, not having his dad to share it with. And so in a less than 2 years, he is off to college. So what for me? Work is not fulfilling. Never was supposed to be my end all, in my humble opinion. So I get it. 9 years. I think maybe when my son might marry, and I become a grandma ( cross fingers) that may be really joyful and fill in some holes. But that is likely another 10 years away. He is 17. So, I get bits of joy here and there. I do all the "right" things to keep going, but still have pervasive sadness........ And I keep getting older.
  5. Nice write up. Thanks for that. 9 years here. How? So, I have watched a few here and there. Unicorn - sitcom comedy. Seems the jest of it is to get him laid first and then recoupled and all will be right in the world. Hmmm..... Return to Me - Sappy sweet and nice fairytale. I enjoyed it but knew what it was. PS I Love You - Again, great book BEFORE I became a widow. It had some good parts. But still very syrupy. Never have been a hallmark movie watcher. Seems the world thinks if you couple up, then all is right in the world. I really wanted that, and reality hit me head on. Happy for those who do find that, but life is full of twists and turns. So..... "This is Us" is my new crybaby show. It is gut wrenching. I do think it portrays some of the realities of widowhood. But since the story focusses on so much of the 3 kids and how their life is impacted when their dad dies when they are 17 and continued angst, that makes me feel sad and hopeless for my son. I truly hope my son is not "emotionally damaged" and struggles with all his life decisions because of his father's death. I don't see that in him, truly. Been a Grey's Anatomy fan off and on. I think the character Meredith Grey actually portrays the longevity of the loss better than expected. The show is on the extreme end of most things, but I see her working through it over years, and it makes sense. My cousin wrote her first fictional book, "The Widow's Season". Her mother/my aunt became widowed in her 40s, my uncle dying in a drowning accident. Read it before I was a widow, and it was "okay" and a bit intriguing. Liked she used family names in it. She wrote her dissertation on widows in English literature and is a college prof. The book is quite fictional. Thanks for your lists. Shadowlands looks appealing as I am a CS Lewis fan. I'll check some of them out.
  6. https://edwardsgroupllc.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/05/DavidEdwards_BlendedFamilyFinances_10Tips.pdf?vgo_ee=woiOI3GUXyh2xhq%2B0PKU9m7%2BX%2FpMfSStElYb34Re%2FNg%3D Every family is different. I heard a podcast about this. They called it a togetherness agreement. Money and assets have psychological meaning. To spell it out is important. Kids know then. Just like making a plan for death and a will. My input. Dating a divorced person with kids and ex makes a difference. State laws are different. Plan out to avoid undue distress.
  7. I just had my 9 year anniversary last week. It is different. I moved, also, new home and new life. It is surreal, like many here say. My son has lived longer without his father. I wonder about keeping all those things. I have not looked at them in years. Went to the cemetery this go around with my son, and he had not been there in 3 years. I have thought about contacting people, too. Thanking them for the role they played in helping me with my son afterwards. I have toyed with doing a note everyday. This pandemic can get you going on the negative or positive. I have not but I do FB and thank people there when it makes sense. I agree with everyone here. It is never too late to tell someone you appreciated them in some way. Right? Thanks for verifying it for me!
  8. Well, I got my 2nd. 3 weeks apart exactly. Pfizer. No problems first dose. Sore in injection site only. This one I had chills, low grade fever and slight headache for about 8 hours. I consider myself lucky. I had no wait. Walk right in, check in, go to open nurse and done. I feel bad for those waiting hours in cars and still not getting it. Our states in the US very much have different management of distribution. I believe my low populated state but yet highly involved nationally politically must be a reason. Well, we are at the bottom in many things, but not this. We also are very rural overall. I don't feel so afraid getting out. I am outside and not around people. The stores are not over run. I don't eat out much and if I do, go like at 2 pm. There is no one eating at 2. I could see how scary it is in cities where you are in close housing and even the streets are full of people. Hoping by summer things are more settled to a "Norm".
  9. I live in a small populated state overall but with lots of big politicians always in the news. Our governor has been extremely conservative about managing Covid and has gotten national recognition and an appointment now. My agency, a mental health provider, got us approved pronto, the first week in Jan. I text to get on the list and was told to come that day. If I did not, it could be delayed by a lot. So I take my 2nd dose next week. I do telehealth and hope to get in the office soon, now. It feels strange as a FB friend in TX that is a nurse with a master's degree who is a specialist in disease control and epidemiology in Houston just got hers yesterday. She is in Houston at a hospital, and its numbers are high. Why it took so long there, I do not know.
  10. His name was Tyler. Woody to his military comrades. TK to his college friends. Typhootie to his aviation friends. Big Daddy T, T-Diddy, or the Bens to the church youth. He was daddy to his only child. And he was mine. ❤️
  11. Here we are. The top of the holiday season. WE made it through Thanksgiving. AND Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanza and NYE's is coming up. (Hope I am not missing more holidays.) It is a tough time for so many of us. I am on my 8th holiday season without my LH. My wedding anniversary, which would have been my 30th, is the 29th to add salt to the wound. And Thanksgiving was literally just me and my son this year due to Covid. The only one ever with just the two of us. What are things folks do to get through? I do self care, AND I still end up sick ( I am psychosomatic with stress.) It is getting easier, and I am so thankful for that. But it is still that time. With a pandemic. And for all you freshly widowed folks, warm thoughts and hugs and know you will get through it. Please folks share. 😃
  12. I try to focus November on thankfulness. Before the Christmas holiday time that can be full of stress, gluttony and sadness, too. Not always in the mood to do so. But given the pandemic, which has altered my holiday season significantly, I am trying to have an attitude of gratitude. I know I have so much to be thankful for. Just a couple memes. Wishing a heart of gratitude in this season. 🙏🏼❤️😊
  13. Thanks for sharing, LF. Always good to hear the joy in new beginnings here, too. Hope for life after great loss. 😊
  14. Good point. Baggage implies a negative connotation. There is a meme out there about finding someone who is willing to carry your luggage, and you carry theirs, too. Maybe more appropriate? 😊
  15. This was hard for me with my former boyfriend. We talked marriage but then didn't get there. He married at 30. He was an officer in the military, played rugby and was stationed in Europe. He had an active singles life. I married the guy I started dating at age 14 and 28 years we had together. He would make comments sometimes about a former girlfriend or something, and if I asked a question, he would ask me if I really wanted to know. I found I did not. It bothered me. I wondered if he could ever really commit to one woman long term. His marriage was 10 years, which is short in my book. I have 3 cousins that married their high school sweethearts. My parents were married 56 years. My brother just celebrated his 43rd wedding anniversary and he has his PhD in marriage and family therapy. We marry and stick it out. So, my ex and I were from completely different backgrounds. His parents were divorced and he has half brothers from his dad's 2 other marriages. I had to work on letting that go if I was to be with him and accept I was not the norm. I had to accept that if I date and marry again, the likelihood is my experience is way different than others. I also had to deal with the pictures in my home of my late husband. I took them down. But we had a big fight when I found out accidently he was still communicating with an ex gf, and it went all over me that my son's father's pictures were bothersome to him, but he could still talk to his ex. He did not understand my feelings, and he could not understand mine. He never had a long term relationship. I was his longest besides his marriage. And I could not understand an attachment to a woman he dated less than 2 years. So, don't ask, don't tell worked for me. I just don't want to know. And so he abided by that. I trusted him until he was found communicating with his ex. But that was because he said he wasn't . If you want it to work, you have to let go of worrying about their past. Easier said than done. I am sure there are folks here that can give better insight. I wish you and your fiance the best.
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