the_master

I took mine off around 2 months. My avatar shows what happened to it. I put it and her rings on a combination lock, so they would stay together.

Any suggestions??

For my Wanda's 44th birthday (She died at 43, last Feb), some of her friends and I went to some of her favorite places. Indian food for lunch and her favorite bakery for a slice of her favorite cake.

I don't know if that helps you at all.

I appreciate the thought, but no, not really. I am not a well man. I have medical issues that are eventually going to make me more of a cripple. I'm already strung out on meds. I've no desire to be 60-70 and 10 times worse off. With her alive, it wasn't so unbearable a thought.

I'm not suicidal, at the moment. But I have stopped taking all the meds and intend for nature to run its course. I just hope it doesn't take years and years. I'm not very patient.

Do you find yourself getting more and more angry and hostile? I went in a convenience store, this morning and the clerk was just talking his ass off to me. I got more and more angry, as he babbled on. I didn?t utter a word back to him. He kept talking, trying to make me speak. I simply ignored him, paid for my stuff, and left. I?ve been feeling this way, more and more, lately. I more or less hate the human race, except for a few exceptions. Why do people feel the need to try and make you talk if you don?t want to talk???

because worst would be if you mean what you said

I do mean what I say... However, I have reasons for not simply "checking out" at the moment. Likewise, I have several other reasons to do it, should it become necessary.

It seems like an eternity. All I want is to die, myself. I've lived enough and done enough.

I'm so sorry for your loss and the suffering you're going through.  I think I've cried enough tears to personally fill up Lake Michigan!

I've definitely never in my life cried so much...

Congrats! My baby girl is 22 years old, now..

I really feel some of the things you write @the_master.

I too spent a lot of initial time on DS, but it just makes me angry when people are insensitive to the younger crowd and say things like:

+25 years just wasn't enough (are u kidding me! what i wouldnt do for 25 years)

+the only thing that keeps me going are my children (so what am I supposed to do without any of these children motivators)

 

I know everyone's situation is different, but I really find strength in empathy and need people who get it.  Which is pretty hard to find because the widowed community is already such a minority, and then throw in sudden death, short marriage on top it and it seems like you are sooo alone.

 

Anyways, the point is I get it too.  And I am also angry at just how unfair this all is.

I cancelled my DS account. That (what you said) and I had a run-in with a 73 year old bible thumper... It just made me angrier.

Well, we did the cleanup. Surprisingly, the sign was already put up. It was nice to see, although it made me cry... Then, yesterday we went to her favorite places to celebrate her birthday. Very emotional weekend.

I also get suicidal thoughts. However, I don't do it because of my daughter.

 

But I have no interest in living another 20-30 years. I am in my mid-40s, diabetic, high blood pressure, etc.

 

I see my parents, in their mid to late 70s. Not happy people... I'm fine, checking out in a few years or so. I'm just not going to do it, myself.

 

 

I'm pretty much in the same place. I was close to suicidal six months ago (had a plan and everything, though not a great one). That's passed now, I'm not going to do anything, but I have no interest in prolonging my existence. The really sad thing is that I'm 40, in better health than I've been in years (physically), and I absolutely hate that my life ended at 39. It's not fair. Sometimes I look in the mirror, and for the first time in years-- maybe the first time ever, to be honest-- I actually like what I see. And it's wasted, because I'm just waiting around to die.

I know exactly how you feel. Personally, I have type 2 diabetes, hypertension stage 3 (blood pressure is sky high on a daily basis), and I don't care one bit...

I died on 2/19/15... I'm just waiting to stop breathing. I'm 46 and spent the bulk of that alone. No desire to do another 40.

I'm so ready for it to stop...

I've been crying for 10 weeks, now... I admit, it's not as frequent as before, but it's still there. That and depression.

Depression has really got me, at the moment.

I hate that she's gone. I mean, how am I supposed to just "keep going?"

I only exist, now. I function, but it's like I'm on "auto-pilot." I get up, go to work, pay the bills, etc.

And that's it. I don't want anything else. I want her back.

[move]This really sucks...[/move]

I seem to have a tiny advantage, in this area. I had pretty much shut people out of my life, before I had even met Wanda. I am very used to being alone and I am quite comfortable with it, on the whole. Before we met, I would get lonely, maybe once a month or 2, but normally, I was ok.

Now, I miss HER. I don't miss company or talking to "people."

Only HER... I have a few options for talking, though. Here, DS, facebook, and her family & her best friend. They have not abandoned me.

My family and friends haven't, either, but they are harder to talk to. Oddly enough, I am more comfortable talking to the few others that feel the horror as much as I do, if not worse (her parents).

Most of the time, now, I know and realize it. But sometimes, when I look at her pictures or hear a recording, I just can't believe she's gone, forever. That NOTHING can bring her home, to me.

Her death has really made me hope that there is an "afterlife." I'm not religious, but I hope her spirit is somewhere and not just an urn of ashes in the ground.

I guess I'll find out, soon enough.

DH and I were married for about 15 months, but we'd only been living under the same roof for about four months because immigration took nearly a year (I'm US, he was UK). It's hard for me because I lost him to suicide, and I also feel cheated. I know he was ill, but sometimes it feels like he didn't give us a chance. The first time things got really rough, he pushed me away and then he died.

 

 

It can be hard finding people who can relate, but that is what I like about this forum. Even though our situations may be very different, there are people here who can relate.

Damn... I'm sorry to hear. Yours was as sudden as mine.

Night before, everything normal. Next morning, dead.

I honestly don't know what is worse, sudden death or illness leading to it.

I think illness probably is, because the last days are spent dreading the inevitable, whereas for me, the night before was a normal, happy, night.

For some reason, I feel that I have to do everything I can think of, to honor her memory...

I know she would say "You don't have to do that, honey."

But yes... I DO.

I read at DS that there is ?Logical Acceptance? that your spouse is gone and there is ?Emotional Acceptance.?

I accepted it from day one, because I had no choice. Apparently, that was ?logical.?

When and how does the other happen???

Have you done anything in your spouse's memory? Something you wouldn't have normally done?

I've been writing to her, almost daily, on Facebook & the blog.

A friend suggested "Adopt-A-Highway." I signed up for that and will be doing it, Saturday.

You clean up a 2 mile stretch of road and they put up a sign. Mine will be in her memory...

I know she would laugh her ass off, if she could see me doing this. She hated litterbugs and would bitch at me for throwing a can out the window. Now, I am picking up other people's litter.

I know it's still early days for me (three months, give or take), but I'm struggling with the total loss of any sense of purpose I had in life.  Everything my wife and I had planned for our future together is gone.  It's verging on a loss of the will to live, and that frightens me - but also comforts me because if anything did happen to me (or if I did anything to myself), I'd be with her, and that's exactly where I want to be right now.

 

Don't worry - not going to do anything to harm myself.  Just want to get it out there and see if anyone else struggled with the same thoughts.  And how did you overcome them?  Time heals this problem, or did you need to actively work on a plan to refocus your life.

 

Or at three months, should I even bother trying to figure things out?  I guess there's no rush...

I'm not at three months, yet. Just over 2 (tomorrow will be 10 weeks). I am not going to kill myself, but I also am not going to try to "prolong" my life, either. Nature can take its course, as far as I'm concerned.

I don't make that choice out of depression or sadness. I make it, simply because of the path my life went. I married at 23 and was divorced by 25. For the next 20 years, I basically drifted and got my daughter through school (from 80 miles away, after moving to the city).

I finally met my late wife in July, 2012. Now, she's dead. I have no desire to:

A. Date again.

B. Become this old, bitter, sickly man that can't do anything, anymore (like my dad).

I watch my dad, who still has my mom. He is so very unhappy and depressed. I have no desire to be that old. He is almost 80.

I hate it, as well. Especially the old bickering couples that don't know what they have, yet.

Until it's gone. My parents are a good example (bickering & arguing). They've been married for 50 years or so. I didn't even have 1.

It's hard being around my own parents, now.

For a long time I hated seeing elderly couples, or couples in general, I was so jealous and angry, but that part has become much easier.

Surely they would have understood...?

I wouldn't even try an in-person group... Very anti-social.

 

I found one that was a group of younger people (I was still the youngest at 29). But they had all been married for at least a year or two before their spouses passed. We had a "Bring a picture of your spouse" meeting, and I followed the directions, but when it came to be my turn, the idea of having to say "This is my boyfriend" or "This is my fiancee" instead of husband like everyone else got to, made me freak out. Not to mention I was just barely at 3 months, and his birthday had been a few days prior to the meeting.

 

I have not returned to an in person meeting since

I'm coming up on week 10 on Thursday... My wife died 2/19/15.

 

Sometimes, it's real and sometimes, it's impossible to believe that she is gone, forever. It makes me crazy, the attack of emotions. I used to be a pretty logical guy.

 

She went to bed with me, normal on 2/18. Next morning, she was just gone.

 

So sorry that you had to come find us, but glad that you did. My wife died in her sleep; she had some minor health issues, but in no way did we expect her to leave us at age 39. I am at 9.5 months out, now.

 

I remember the initial shock starting to wear off in the second and third months, and I felt pretty crazy too: going from despair and hopelessness, to sadness, to anger and all shades between every day. Right around my third-month anniversary, my daughter and I took a long road trip and I was able to start getting a little bit of clarity - getting on the road really helped. Over the next month, the daily craziness began to ease some and I could even feel sane again for some whole days.

 

Hang on, my friend. This storm of emotions will ease instead of battering you every single day. They will become the exception - things will get better.

I sure hope so.

I wouldn't even try an in-person group... Very anti-social.