the_master

Thanks... It's nice to finally find a more suitable forum. Nothing against them, I just have a hard time relating.

I married my beautiful wife on 3/1/14.

On 2/19/15, she was gone, forever... 356 days. We didn't get ONE anniversary.

I am also a member over at Daily Strength's widows/widowers forum, but most of them are in their 60s & 70s.

It's difficult to identify with them, as they had 20-30 years with their spouses. 3 years ago, I hadn't even met my wife, yet.

It makes me extremely angry.

I'm coming up on week 10 on Thursday... My wife died 2/19/15.

Sometimes, it's real and sometimes, it's impossible to believe that she is gone, forever. It makes me crazy, the attack of emotions. I used to be a pretty logical guy.

She went to bed with me, normal on 2/18. Next morning, she was just gone.

I also get suicidal thoughts. However, I don't do it because of my daughter.

But I have no interest in living another 20-30 years. I am in my mid-40s, diabetic, high blood pressure, etc.

I see my parents, in their mid to late 70s. Not happy people... I'm fine, checking out in a few years or so. I'm just not going to do it, myself.

This was me at 4 months mark in July last year. Very dark times.

 

I'm so sorry for even posting this for I know there are a lot of widows(ers) that lost their spouses to suicide. I'm at 5 months and I found myself one morning (few weeks ago) with his insulin pen...opened...wasn't a bad dream. I go on contemplating I'll just have to go through with the paper work and then I can just go with him. I've been suicidal before, that's no secret but when it hit's me, all I can think is I want to go. it's just so strong the feeling when it hits me (today not, thank goodness) and it's so real. I'm one of those that lurk. Recently I've posted a few. And everything is just awful. The flashbacks, the feeling everything was a dream (please wake me up from this nightmare!!!!). But why?

 

I gave myself one year. Either it gets better or I'm done. Why the F!!!!!!! Shiish this sucs!

 

Suicidal thoughts and thoughts of pointlessness are normal for us wids. Hang on and reach out to us! YWBB caught me. We shall do that to you. Don't be afraid!