RobFTC

Rightly or wrongly, most men don’t care about that. We aren’t interested in your self-growth. Oh, it is certainly a commendable way to live, but guys don’t want to hear about your yoga or meditation activities.

 

Men are, by and large, simple creatures who don’t want to read a profile that causes them to ponder more questions than it answers.

Hey, what's not to like about yoga? :-)

I guess I am not as simple as you, Mike.  I have been paying some attention to a relatively new site that seems to be on the rise, MeetMindful.com, which is aimed at people who are a little more thoughtful and comtemplative.  Less makeup, more granola, more Birkenstocks, that sort of thing.  I'd have to head to Boulder to do really well on that site, but it is interesting.

As always, not all of us fit the stereotypes.

Take care,

Rob T

I forgot to check - I did have her e-mail.  I just sent another ping.

Take care,

Rob T

I am sad that some feel they need to avoid listing their widow status, because I know as a widower I would prefer to find someone who Gets It.

Take care,

Rob T

I am sad about this - a good sitter has fallen off the face of the earth on me.  I hire a sitter to take my daughter to music lessons and do other ride-giving, which is sadly not a lot of hours.  The real need, though, is traveling for work or other things.  I want someone there overnight with them, still.

This one had been with us for most of a year.  She was almost my age, very reliable, was good with the girls, and was unflappable in some out-of-the-ordinary situations.  Three weeks ago, she said her vehicle had a major problem, and she was not going to be able to take Sarah to her cello lesson.  And that's the last I heard from her.  A week later, when I didn't get a response to a text message, I called her cell phone, and the number seemed to not be in service.  I am afraid that the major vehicle repair took the money she had for phone service and possibly for rent, too.  I know she's moved since she applied for the job, so I think I just don't have a way to track her down and figure out how it's going and whether I could help at all.

Back to care.com for another sitter, but this time the reasons are the toughest yet :-(

Take care,

Rob T

Any chatters?  I am in for a little while tonight.

Take care,

Rob T

Thanks Abitlost, I agree that catching her being good, and being more forgiving about faults has been helping. We're thawing out a little.  I asked her to read a chapter about "Expressing Feelings And Scripting Needs", which I think could really do her some good, but I think our book time is over for now.  I have dusted off a Love And Logic book, "From Bad Grades To A Great Life" to reinforce some of my approaches.  I will probably be in this thread a little more, as I feel really lonely on this issue right now.

I remain concerned about her Internet usage.  We had talked about driving on Sunday, and then a friend's visit made us reschedule until Monday evening, when Sarah was going to be doing a driving lesson through the driving school.  Monday afternoon, it turns out that Rebecca "didn't hear about driving tonight", and in any event begged off because she was too emotional about something ugly someone had posted to Tumblr that morning.  Hmmm, if Tumblr can compromise your whole day, we could have a problem - you won't get to beg off school because of a Tumblr upset. 

Some sunshine - Sunday, Rebecca found out one of her favorite bands was playing in Denver Tuesday night (last night).  I figured we could do that, but when I thought about the planning - when do we leave, how do we manage food, etc. - I figured I would ask her to plan her event.  I knew she owed Sarah some money, so I suggested she buy her sister a ticket if she wanted to go.  I decided not to go, but drove them and hung out downtown during the show - it's the first time I have ever done that with them.  That was a little more than I bargained for - I dropped them off at the venue at 6:30pm, and when I poked them at 9:30pm, the band was just getting onstage!  I thought their band would be first, not last, but should have thought of it, I guess.  Anyway, they gave me decent notice that the show was over, and I was able to get parked and plug the parking meter just when they were the first ones out the door!  They loved the show, and they were happy with how well it all worked.  We didn't get home until midnight, so I am going to have to get some of that worked off, bwa ha ha! :-)

Take care,

Rob T

Some profile thoughts, since I am reading them again :-)

I would be careful with the negativity.  What's the purpose of dwelling on the negatives of online dating?  In driving training, they tell people to look where you want the car to go, not at the hazards, and I think some of that may apply here.  When I read a profile with a lot of complaints, I wonder if that's how the date will be.  And I've had dates where the major topic of conversation was bad dates - guess how I judged the quality of those dates.  I'd at least keep the negatives clumped together instead of sprinkled throughout.

That doesn't mean that comic set pieces like momtokam's aren't OK, mining something for humor is can be great fun.  And if you're first language is sarcasm, don't waste your time trying to channel Polyanna.  I also don't mean to diss deal breakers - if you won't date a smoker, or won't date someone with kids of any age, or you would be allergic to my cats, it's a time-saver to see this.

I tend to like to know what people are looking for, though I think some people need to give their heads a shake to see if their "asks" even make sense.  For example, one woman here has a horse property with horses and loves the lifestyle - and insists that her suitor also has a horse property with horses.  Is that really necessary? :-)

One more idea: having had two contrasting dates recently, I will be looking at profiles for hints about what I might talk about with a woman.  One woman I met didn't seem to be living a very interesting life, and the topics of conversation were not very interesting, either.  Another had us talking about Henry The Eighth, birth order dynamics, how parenting is different for Moms and Dads, and team leadership.  Guess which lead to a second date and more good conversation?

Regarding turning people down, I greatly appreciate a clear "no thank you" because I can stop waiting and wondering.  I think situations that feel wrong are most often not as much about someone being a bad person as the "fit" just not being right, so something that focuses on that is ideal - Arneal has a good thing there.  I know many women won't do this because they have had blowback from jerks.  I used to take the silence personally, but now I expect to be ignored most of the time (sigh), and just resolve to not do this to the women who express interest in me.

Take care,

Rob T

Can't delete, I guess?

Congratulations!  The pics are so cool :-)

Take care,

Rob T

Any chatters this evening?  I am on for a little while.  Had one person see me and leave, hmph.

Take care,

Rob T

Rough night tonight, and could use some warm thoughts.

Background.  After our discussion the other night about OurPact and her tailspin, I set up to talk with Rebecca about our working better together.  My first ask was counseling, but she made it clear she didn't want to cooperate.  I pitched an alternative that I thought might help - that we try to use "Couple Skills" that I talk about here.  It's for people in relationships, which isn't directly useful, but some of the chapters (e.g. listening skills) could be useful.

Tonight, she started dinner late, and then put undercooked chicken on the table, so it had to go back in the oven. Repeat performance, of course - this happens far too often, and of course it's never her fault.  I used the best language I could muster to say how this was a problem again, and not OK, and the tension built.  I asked what she'd read of the book; she'd looked at it a little and then blew it off as not relevant.  More tension, dinner was awful.  I told her I wanted to talk anyway, to try to find something that works.  She wanted to go for a bike ride to see her best friend, and turned that into an impromptu sleepover.  She's good at avoidance!  I thought the sleepover might let us start new tomorrow.

I need this child to do her part of the work as if she is a part of this family and not an honored guest.  I need something that works to make our relationship better, she is resistant to everything I want to try and has no willingness to work on anything to make things better.  I can't figure out what to do next.  I am so sick of doing this myself and not even having anyone to talk to about it.  I figured I had to be OK when I appeared to be destined to be single, but I am not sure I can do that from here.

Rob T

Internet, oh what a complex relationship we have with thee!

So we got back from vacation in Canada 10 days ago.  For part of that trip, we were in the national parks and doing hikes to see things, and Becca has Pokemon Go fired up and was finding that fun to walk around with.  Well, fun when the servers were not crashing on her.

Upon return, I gave them a week to figure out some kind of "be more fit" plan.  I mean, my sedentary ways got me into health troubles, and seeing them this inactive is alarming to me.  I'd floated that they could join me at the gym, figure out a martial arts dojo to join, get out on their bikes more (at all), or get out and do Pokemon Go with several of their friends.  Nada.  The giant teat of the Interwebz has them entranced.  They almost break far enough away to think about plans with friends, but not always enough to nail them down.  I let them know I had to see movement, and we have plans to ride bikes to Dairy Queen tonight (because my offer of gym membership was awful!)  ;D  I may have complicated that with trying in the same timeframe to combat the Internet issue.

I had had a talk with a friend about her kids' Internet addiction while we were up in Canada, and how a tool that had helped some was OurPact.  I thought it would shut down WiFi and 3G/4G/LTE networking, but is doesn't do that; instead it hides all but a few core apps.  I announced last night that I needed them to give me their phones with a piece of paper with the PIN on it so that I could install this software.  It sent Becca into a tailspin - my goals were unclear and she went straight to the worst case scenario.  After some discussion, she got that I wanted to see her not let all other things get swamped by Internet time, like exercise, chores around the house and actual F2F time with friends.

So cut to today.  Becca's device was down when she got up, and I let her know that that was only until the "clean your room" task that they had agreed to do by yesterday evening was actually done.  If it had just taken a long time, I'd be OK, but Rebecca sat doing Interwebz stuff for a good while after dinner instead of taking time to do any cleaning.  It's still off, I am wondering how long this will go on?  ???

Who else has good ideas of diluting the lure of the cell phone / tablet / computer linked to a technology I could not ever have imagined when I was their age?  Or, has anyone managed to get their kids doing more active things?

Take care,

Rob T

My take - our hearts have a lot of room for love, and I know I would hope to love my next partner's kids very deeply and enjoy them as family.  If N is with your DD for most of her childhood years, he can really be like a "bonus" Dad, or at the very least a very special friend.  I would try to not put limits on their relationship and enjoy it, given the other ways this could have gone for you.

Take care,

Rob T

Interesting conversation while I have been off living life ...

I think the flip side of "a good man will pursue" is that "a good woman will make it clear she likes him".  I have made most of the initial moves, but if I am getting mixed signals or a woman is reading "The Rules" and deciding to play hard to get, I will cut my losses.  There's a difference between a woman who's got a busy life but makes time for me, and a woman following a rule book, and a woman who's just not that interested.  I don't mind not interested, it happens every day, but it's best if that's apparent.  I understand and accept a lack of response, given what women get from some fools.

On the topic of women initiating, I have had that result in several dates, including a woman I had a nice time dating last summer.  For me, I am sometimes getting offers from Large Marge the cowgirl from Nebraska who looks rode hard and hung up wet, or someone else from pointlessly far away, and I don't want it to go anywhere.  Anyone initiating must remember it's still subject to the other person's selection criteria and not take rejection personally.  I'd say ask if you're comfortable, and you might get guys who like that and to heck with those who don't - could be a nice fool filter.  And it can give you some perspective about how smokin' low guys' response rates can be!

Take care,

Rob T

Hey TooSoon,

Hugs!  Even good changes this big can be overwhelming and scary, especially since you are casting your fate upon the winds to some degree.  And you have the usual crop of life junk going on at the same time as well.  I hope you can find some peace about it all soon.  But maybe you can cuss out Marina's former friend and devil-girl before you get too calm again! :-)

Take care,

Rob T

Hi MTK,

The juxtaposition of the new life and lost life must have been surreal.  I'm so glad you weathered it all, and hope that that new widow can really let you help her.  And a baby to keep your DH's name in memory, too.  Hugs, as always!

Take care,

Rob T

Hey guys,

I have let this thread languish too long!  I had a Father's Day update...

My girls have always been dodgy about birthdays and Father's Day, with the former being far more important to me personally.  This year, they did both remember to seek me out and wish me a happy birthday, and I even got a fun watercolor from Rebecca.  Sarah had talked about having an ideal gift idea earlier in the year, but never acted on it - I may have to tell her that wasn't a good thing some day without making her guilty.  But they did what I have told them was the most important thing for me - find me and wish me a happy birthday.  Progress!

Father's Day, though.  They slept teenager-late, so I only saw one of them before I went off to do my radio show, and when I got back at 4:30 or so, they were both still in pajamas.  I just said, "So, what are we doing for Father's Day?"  Sarah was horrified - she had had no clue.  I get that; we talked about how if you're not on Facebook to see the noise that you probably want to subscribe to a holiday calendar or something to get reminders.  Rebecca said that she'd realized it was Father's Day, but hadn't done anything about it.  I said, "OK, but we should go out to dinner anyway."  Sarah went to get dressed, but Rebecca dug in her heels, hard - "I haven't showered, I'm not presentable!"  "Well," I said, "you knew about this and could have been ready, right?"  "Yeah...."  I liked what I came up with next: I told her that she could veto dinner out on Father's Day if she paid for dinner for all of us the next night.  She swallowed hard, but agreed.  I went out and picked up dinner for me, and left them to manage for themselves, happy that I hadn't let a teachable moment pass!

So we went out to an Afghan restaurant the following night, and she had to solve her own problem again.  After we ordered, she said, "Dad, wait! I don't have enough on my debit card!"  I said, "You mean you didn't plan ahead?" (I say that a lot, and usually have to suppress laughter HARD :-) .)  I let her stew for a minute, and she asked if she could pay with a combination of cash and card, and that worked.

So overall, I think I made my expectations clear without being unpleasant, and negotiated stuff that worked for me and may have made a point.  I guess I have to wait a year to know for sure!

Take care,

Rob T

Hi Momtojandj,

I had a couple of successful messages with a woman, and agreed to a generic meeting, then got on the phone with her.  She was such. a. drag. complaining about her life - overeducated, not holding a job, kid problems - that after the call, I had this "wtf" moment.  I messaged her back that I didn't want to meet, and good luck.  Well, that uncorked an epic rant that I should go find and repost.  It's definitely one of those messages you don't want to delete from your account because they make good stories!  Message after message about how rotten I was, based on almost nothing other than stereotypes from my profile.  In a performance art kind of way, it was amazing.  I was glad I just didn't care at that point :-)

Take care,

Rob T

The "stuff monster" has many heads and is a hard beast to deal with.  I'm glad you're winning.  Even more, I am glad for the reason that it prompting this exercise!  Strength!

Take care,

Rob T

Hi klim,

I am sorry you're struggling.  I don't know if this can help, but I think many promising relationships that fail are no reflection whatsoever about the quality of one or both people, but more about fit and circumstances.  He was not over his ex, and that made him the wrong fit for a whole lot of people, and I am glad you know that now.  You're a good woman who can light up someone else's life.  I won't blow sunshine up your skirt on it being easy to find a good fit like that (you may know my history!), but there's a good person out there.

Take care,

Rob T

What was I supposed to do ? Still meet him ?

Hell to the no - like I told someone recently, everyone has a cord to pull to get off at the next stop, and that should be respected.  Agreeing to an initial meeting is not a guarantee.

Take care,

Rob T

GBM took a couple of people from our world before Michelle got sick, so I didn't really need another reason to hate it.  Gord is a treasure, and I say this having almost missed the band, being outside Canada and all.  I really hope we can figure out how to slay this beast some day soon - the addled polio virus that gets the immune system going sounds promising.

Take care,

Rob T

Hey, Rob...wanna switch houses?  I would love to move to Colorado and Windsor is just a short drive from my place here in metro Detroit, LOL 

LOL!  And you've even been here :-)

Take care,

Rob T

Girlfriend: well you're a fucking idiot.

She's right, and I like her more just for saying that!

Take care,

Rob T

Hey TooSoon,

I am in a much less uncomfortable situation, but one key way I relate to you is to be living in a place that I didn't choose, and where I feel kind of like I stick out.  This place was good when Michelle was here, but since then I have had a number of times where I was wondering what the heck I was doing here.  During one dry spell awhile ago, I knew I would move, and that I'd want to be back in Canada or at least much closer.  And that's certainly made it harder to really let myself consider relationships here.  I wish you clarity and purpose, and hope you can find something that works for you in the near term and further out.  You know I am rooting for you!

Take care,

Rob T