My best friend and soulmate died on July 2nd. A friend suggested this website and I having been reading the posts and feeling relief that others are out there who have experienced this unbelievable loss. The first few days there were people constantly in and out of the house, and this helped me and the kids very much. But as everyone slips back into their routine, the reality of our loss is slowing sinking in.... I am sure I don't have to say that no one gets it! I want to continue to talk about Jack, to try and process but I feel like I am contagious. My friends want to help but they don't know how, my immediate family members are suffering too so we all just end up in a sobbing mess. I am 41 and Jack and I were together for almost 17 years as a couple and have known each since child hood. Our connection was beyond anything I have ever experienced even when we were kids, just total familiarity, love and friendship. Now the days, months and years are stretched out in front of me and the thought of it makes me feel so LOST. On top of this, we lost Jack to suicide. It was totally unexpected and I have been banging my head to think of the signs I missed. Over the last few days we have found that there were some major financial issues that he had been struggling with since the loss of his business 4 years ago. How could I have not known? He must have felt so sad and desperate inside but afraid to reach out. He must have felt he was protecting us from this... I just don't know. I try to focus daily on the fact that I was able to experience a love like ours, that we have amazing children, and that we didn't take each other for granted. I try hard NOT to focus on his last moments, the last sweet words he said and how I will manage to parent our girls and make him proud! These thoughts are just too sad at this point. There is so much more I could say but its so hard. I appreciate that this support exists, there is no group locally and I so needed to say some of these things.
