Aspen530

Tomorrow September 15th will be one month since I lost him. Yesterday was a terrible day. Some days I just feel like I can't/won't make it. I don't know what to do with myself. One day I think "you should go have yourself evaluated or put under watch" the next I start thinking maybe can I do this. I don't want to do this, I don't want to be strong I WANT HIM!! I just wish God would take me and i would be with him. We had our whole lives to live together and now I will be forever without him. Without his laugh, without out hearing him make fun of me (we're very sarcastic people). I can't do this. Butch made me feel safe and always loved, we would fight and i still heard the love in his anger. I no longer feel safe and i no longer feel like me, how can there even be a me without him? I'm so angry i lash out at the people who are still here and love me. I'm so angry I hate this world and this life. It feels as if there is no life. 30 days without him feels like an eternity. I feel like I froze in time waiting for him to come back to me. Which he will never do.... How do I stop this pain this deep pain where it feels like I've been cut open to bleed out and never do. I wish I was cut open then this would be over. He passed away in his sleep at a friends house after a night of partying, we are still unsure of what caused his death but I suppose it doesn't matter either way he's gone. His "friends" had a BBQ in his name the other night and I lost my fuckin mind. They were partying "in his name" they actually had to balls to invite me!! How is that honoring someone who passed doing that?!? I told them I hope they kill themselves. They are so irresponsible sure most of them drove home. I just lost my mind on the friend who called to invite me, I screamed get behind the wheel and cause this much pain to another family! I have so much hate in my heart it maybe tearing apart my insides. I know I shouldn't have said the first part but the hatred took control. How do they call themselves his brother? He had two real brothers and a sister and a mom and me his fianc? who will forever feel the pain of losing family! REAL FAMILY! Family that doesn't let their family take things to far. Don't get me wrong I'm so angry with Butch too, if I could punch him in the face I would, and he'd let me and just ask for more. My moods and emotions are so unstable it's breaking me at the seams. He was the only one who could put me back together and he's gone. How will I do this alone?! We've been together since I was 20 I don't know who I am without him, we became adults together. We struggled together no there is no more together there is only alone. Everything reminds me of him, because he was my world. Now I don't have a world I have hell. I know if he's watching he wouldn't want this for me. He'd want me to try and no my best but I've tried for 29 days and I just can't anymore. It has exhausted every part of me to make it to 29. I'm so scared.... I'm so scared.... I'm so scared If I miss him this much at 30 days how will I feel at 60? Or thanksgiving when his mom won't get a ham (he's was the one who liked it) what about winter?!? It was his favorite he'd bundle me up like the kid from a Christmas story to go let the dog out and smoke a cig, I will have to zip my own jacket. When it snows I may actually lose my mind. He loves to take the dog out n watch her try to catch the snowflakes.... I know the world keeps going and the seasons will change but I'm not changing I'm stuck here at what feels like day 1. Sunday I had thoughts of self harm --which I've never before -- n having those thoughts alone scares me, did I mention before I was scared, ha. I was just thinking it would be nice if my outside felt like my insides... This dark place lasted 12 hours yesterday. I am going to therapy today and will discuss it there but I'm afraid they'll lock me up or something! Maybe that's what I need I don't know, that's the problem I don't know anything . I made it through my "week" (only 3 days a week it's a grad assistantship)of work last week and tomorrow Will start 3 more and I just don't know how I will do it. I don't even know how I'm managing to breath right this second. I just don't know how to go on.... How to not listen to the only video I have of him laughing for 3 seconds at his niece I don't think it's helping me I just don't know how else to feel him near me 😰😰😰😰😰

Does anyone have any advice on sleeping? I can't seem to get more than 5 or so hours. Every morning I wake up with a start at around 430-530am. The really weird thing is i believe that he might have died between those hours. I feel like my body is torturing me and waking me up Every single day at these times because it's when he left me. I realize that isn't very rational considering I really don't know when he died. (In his sleep) I'm just so sick of living this life especially with no sleep

Finished another terrible day at work... I'm living with my parents again so I don't even feel like it's my home. My home was with him and now that's gone. I don't know what to do with myself I come "home" and I just sit at their dinning room table and sob. How am I supposed to work and be polite and not punch someone in the face? I don't even know what to write anymore!! My brain is no longer functioning. Feeling pretty low today 😰💔🔫

I woke up at 430am today... My mind is on repeat, hearing the news that the one person I love n the person who took care of me is dead. This pain is so deep I feel like I need to cut it out. Like someone please cut my chest open and tear this pain away from my soul. My skin feels like it's crawling. My heart is racing and the feeling that my protector isn't here anymore brings me to panic. Today I feel so low. My job is to promote mental health awareness on a college campus (pays for my grad degree)Today I have to promote suicide awareness for 3 hours and I don't know how to do that when I wish I were dead. I wanna chain smoke cigarettes n cry till I either pass out or sleep. Even though I can't shut my eyes n not see his face. I wish the pain on the inside was outside, I'd know how to fix that kind. This type of pain can not be fixed or masked. I'm either hearing Butch (Jason, which I never called him) is dead or my own thoughts of I wish I was. I'm thinking about going to a grief share (group thing) tonight, but I don't know... I don't know anything anymore over than I may be breathing but my life is over

Thank u so much!! I feel the same way, sometimes I get out bed just to take care of our dog champ. She was he's baby and I can never let anything happen to her. If I do one thing all day is make sure she eats poops n gets exercise n I try to have faith that he's looking down on me smiling and proud

I am so deeply sorry you have to join our group of despair. I am not much further out than you are and please know everything u are feeling is the same that I do! While I am still so new to this, my fianc? died August 15th I want you to know you are not alone in this pain. No one will understand but the people here do and are so kind and helpful! People say take one day at a time n I want to tell them to fuck off cause I can barely take one minute of this life. We can do this together, like u said all they wanted was for us to be happy so we have no other choice but to breath in and out and I pray that one day breathing won't feel so difficult. I'm sending you so much love! Post often and read others posts when u need extra support.

Another morning up since 530am. Thought that continue to cross my mind, I wish it were me!! He was stronger than me he could have done this and i just can't. I spent the last half Hour listen to a video on my phone where he's laughin for 3 seconds. I know it's not helping me but I can't stop. Unable to catch my breath looking at our dog or staring at ceiling. Why did this happen??? I can't do it. Everyday is a nightmare. I miss him so much my whole body hurts. People tell me it will get better but I can't imagine that ever being possible. We had so many plans. 27 is too soon. How can this be my path? Such pain and despair. I don't want to go on... I would never cause this type of pain to the people who love me and he would never forgive me even if death of I did but it still feels like I can't go on People say the only way out is through but how does one indure this type of pain?! My best friend is gone... N I want to die

I just wanted to thank you for taking the time to write that. I am very new to this life and your post gave me some hope that I will not always feel so alone and broken

It feels like everyday gets worse and worse... Like I've been shot in the chest without the luxury of dying. I feel so alone.... My bones ache n my skin feels like it's crawling. I wake up angry that I'm still breathing, I'm so fucking terrified I can't stand it. Every minute feels like an eternity. I see him in everything and everywhere. I hate when people try to tell me to focus on the positive, there is nothing positive I some times can not fathom making it through this Sorry for the jumble of thoughts n rambling

I'm working w my dr and seeing a grief counselor .. So I hope they can get it right. Put me on an antidepressant but it keeps me awake at night.. Which makes my anxiety even worse... Leading to more panic attacks. Thank god for Xanax but I feel like it's bad for me Does anyone have suggestions for how to get through the mornings. When I wake up (early as hell) I'm back in my nightmare n I can't deal

I'm having a scared shitless day. I can't stop thinking I wish it were me. I'm gonna try to list my fears too perhaps it will help 1. I don't know who I am without him and I don't really want to find out. 2. I go back grad school on Wednesday, terrified 3. Not hearing his laugh may actually kill me 4. These panic attacks will never stop 5. I will always be this broken and angry 6. I won't survive this I've been up since 4am it feels like I'm going crazy, that I'm living someone else's life and this can in no way be mine forever I think i scared my mom this morning mid panic attack saying, I wish I was dead. I didnt mean hurt myself, I just wish it was my time too 7. People are afraid to hear what I'm really thinking.

Tomorrow is my 27th birthday. It will have been 12 days since my love has been gone. I'm so scared of what's to come let alone being 27 without him! I can't imagine what I'm supposed to do. Family n friends want to take me to dinner or something. There is nothing to celebrate!! Someone please help me w a few ideas on how to make it through the day -anne

Thank you for your kind words, I go back to school the 8th and I am so scared. Who am I kidding I'm layin in my bed right now scared of the next 5 min. I have decided to take a friend to our apartment today for maybe only a half hour. His family and mine sg have already been there and done some things but I had asked them to to leave certain things for me. Typing this our right now makes me want to throw up. Please be sending good vibes my way this morning because I have a feeling I will be a puddle our old floor that someone will have to mop up. I just want to keep screaming ahhhhh I hate this new me and this new life full of despair!!

Thank you so much for the support. Everyone on here must be so strong because you sound like you are actually living And that I do not know how it is possible We would have been married after I finished graduate school. He was so proud of me and how well I was doing and now I feel it will be impossible

My fianc? passed 8 days ago and it feels like I'm drowning. I wake up to a nightmare I can never leave. What am I supposed to do with myself everyday without him. I'm 27 and moved back in with my parents so I don't have to be in the apartment we shared. The pain is so deep I fear it will live inside me forever. He was my best friend and soulmate and now he is gone. forever. I had a dream last night that he was still with me. Laughing and joking and bringing me home treats for the store after he was done work. I woke up.... And back to the nightmare that is my life Someone please help me.