Fuchsia

I had cause to realize today how differently I am coping with my husband's illness than others in the family. I think it's because I am with him full time. I don't react emotionally to a lot of his symptoms or his moments of pain. I deal with what I need to for him and keep going. If I break it's later. I am also able to keep doing mundane sort of normal/happy things while he is obviously not well. I kind of compartmentalize and stay in the moment as best I can. Otherwise I'd lose my mind I think. I notice that my daughter does this to an extent too. When she feels happy she doesn't have to feel sad...she has learned how to take an emotional break. Which sucks cause she is only 6 and shouldn't have to cope with this. Others in our family are feeling their pain 24/7. His mother was over today and stayed while he napped. She sat for a couple of hours and listened to his labored breathing. She was a wreck with worry by the time I got home. I listen to that all night every night and no longer worry. I sit in the kitchen and listen to him cough and just play on my phone and wait till he's done and needs me. Its crazy...there's so little emotion to it. I feel like my heart has hardened. But it's a self defense mechanism! I can't live in pain all the time. I can't imagine how it looks from the outside. They all say they don't know how I keep going. Part of me is turning to stone.

Thank you all for the welcoming words. We are lucky to be able to spend these last months together with me at home. We are cherishing these times even though they are so hard.

Hello, My name is Fuchsia. I am caregiver to my most wonderful husband Rob...who is dying of cancer. He has been fighting for nearly 3 years and has been considered terminal since last June. I don't expect him to see the spring. He is so young - only 44. He is my best friend, my love, the father of my child and he is slipping away day by day. I am so lost. This hurts so much. But I keep going because I must. Even if I don't know how I am doing it. Can I be here? Even though I'm only almost a widow?