Hi All!
I could really use your perspective, or maybe just some understanding from some of you who have traveled or are traveling a similar path.
My story in a nutshell: My husband died of esophageal cancer in June of 2010 after a 2-1/2 year battle. We were both 35 when he died, with two boys ages 11 and 9, and two girls, ages 6 and 4. I swore I'd never love again, and resolved to live my life devoted to my kids and to my late husband.. As time went on my heart started to change and soften and the walls I had put up to protect myself from the hurt that comes from devastating loss started to come down. Most surprising to me, my mind and heart opened to first the idea of loving again, and eventually, almost 5 years post loss of my husband, I found myself in love again. It was a chain of events and circumstances that I view as meant to be, designed for me. The man I married in April is a man I loved over 20 years ago. We had chosen different paths when we were 19 and then found our paths crossing again, all these years later, after his divorce and my first husband's death. I love this man with a love that is true and deep, and I know that he loves me, but at times I feel we are on the verge of disaster. I know why, but I don't know what to do about it, or better yet, I don't know how to do it.
We have 7 kids between us. He lives in Idaho, near his ex wife and his 3 kids and is an amazing father. I live in Utah, where I have been raising my 4 kids in the house almost all of them have lived in since they were babies, in the home where their dad and I lived together for 10 years, in the town where their dad was born and grew up as well as their grandfather and great-grandfather. The roots here are deep and it's a strong community of friends and family.
My new husband and I, feeling it in the best interest of my kids, have decided to live in different states until next spring after my oldest son graduates from high school and it will be a more "natural" transition time for my 4. The kids love my new husband, but understandably want nothing to do with leaving their beloved home town. If it were just about me, I would be gone. I have felt for a long time that this house and this town are keeping me in a place of grief. But my strong instinct as a mother says "protect your kids from hurt at all costs, even to the point of sacrificing your own happiness!" After all, that's what we do, and that's all I know how to do. But my marriage is suffering as a result of consciously making the decision to NOT make the marriage a priority. This has snowballed into a world of hurt and insecurity and doubt for both my husband and I. Add in the complicated issues of divorce vs. death, etc. I literally feel paralyzed when it comes to doing ANYTHING to move in the direction of leaving this place.
My heart tells me go, but my mind and body won't follow. And possibly neither will the kids.
My husband has been very patient but pleads with me to "jump in with both feet." Oh how I want to!! oh how I wish it were that easy!! Do any of you have any experience or advice?
