CarlyM

Thank you. I forget the initial awful, awful bit. Then it where you wake and re remember the news each day... he did have a long life, certainly not 25 like Stuart, am just surprised by the hurt! Silly really. Hugs back at you.xx

Am not sure many of you will remember me here now. My boyfriend Stuart died of rare cancer in 2005, he was 25, i was 24. I have rebuilt my life, slowly, and feel as if i have healed from the whole experience even if it can knock me for six on special days. In 2014, my Grandma died after a 6 month deterioration after a fall and Alzheimers. I moved shortly afterwards to live overseas. Last week, her husband, my Grandad died unexpectedly. He was 94, so this isn't tragic like Stuart. But the shock is unbelievable. I cant concentrate, i am numb, i can't fall to sleep, i wake early. I know that this will pass of course, it has before, i am just shocked at the depth of this. i think the shock and the fact that he was a huge constant in my life has combined to leave me with that lump in my throat. Something i had forgotten, but oh how familiar it is.....and i get married in 6 weeks, he was due to have his suit fitted today..... leaves me wondering, again, what the point in all of this is.... *sigh*

I don't know how to even start this, but it has been 10 years since Stuart died, I am now 34. I have a new partner who I love very much and we have built a new life together. I am back in therapy as we recently moved overseas together and I have found the change very difficult, but also I kind of knew that I needed to address how I deal with change and uncertainty so I think that drove me to seek the change in the first place. Anyway, we keep talking again and again about Stuart and I cry and my therapist asks why I'm crying and my answer is because no one has interrogated me about this loss ever in the way she is doing now. She thinks I need to ' move on', I took offence to that as have always preferred "move forward" which I can manage. So, I then articulated that I need to ' live without fear' rather than move on, because frankly this and a number of other significant losses has made me fearful of everything. I can't cope with adrenaline at all and I ALWAYS expect the worst, because that has been a reality in my life. My anxiety is high and I realise now that it has been for years but that life with my family and friends around me enabled me to ignore it. So, am sat here wondering if I really do need to undertake some kind of moving on to help me escape from this fear and start to hope and dream again about the future??? I buried my 20 something carefree self with him and am not sure how to ever recapture some of that person..... Can anyone else relate! As with everything in this bloody journey I just feel so alone!!!!

He would have been 35 today. 10 years ago today was 6 days u till he died, still feels like yesterday. Uuurrrrggghhhhhh

No words, just hugs. I am 10 years out and I still cry, just not as regularly......xx

Thank you @Forgottenwife, @marian53. As always here it is nice to know I am not the only one...xx

Thanks both. i feel better for just giving up on today and not beating myself up...the waves still come right, just less frequently, but still with the same force...... :-\

Hi all, I haven't been here for a while, and when I thought I needed to I headed to ywbb to find it had gone!!!!! So thankful that you have set this up instead. It was truly a lifeline back in 2006 and now I am so glad to have this to come back to . Thank you. 10 years on xmas day. Its crept up slowly all year, but with the change in seasons and start of the holidays I honesty feel like I want to crawl up in a ball and go to sleep until January and in actual fact I may just give up for the day today and do just that. I have a new partner, have moved overseas but still it has caught up with me in a way I had forgotten it could. 10 years is significant it seems. We are away for xmas, I couldn't really bare being at home, but I am not sure how to commemorate it, I am writing a blog post ( I have no blog as yet) in word, but not sure if I'll have the courage to share. Exhausting! Cxx