Nolagirl

My husband was like Jekyll and Hide - sometimes amazing, sometimes abusive. I was alone for 12 years, partially because I really did not want to experience this again and I did not trust anyone. Now I have been with a wonderful guy for 5 months and he is great. However, sometimes I have these crying, panic fits when I miss my husband in the same way I did those 12 years ago. And I don't understand why. I have not cried for him for years and years. I was fine till I started dating this guy and somehow it brings back all the feelings of desperate loss. I should be happy and most of the time I am. Then something happens when I think "oh my husband did this better" and I lose it. Is it normal? Should I see a psychologist? Is he not the right guy? Will I love my husband forever and nobody else? I am really confused why I feel this way.

I lost my abusive husband to drugs 12 years ago. Afterwards I raised my three, at the time toddlers, by myself. I lived very far from my family for 6 years and then I moved back to my hometowns as life became increasingly difficult. My kids are now 18, 16, and 14. My mom lives across the street and has been very involved with my kids for the past 6 years. Like co-parenting. Now, I have a first boyfriend after 12 years. The relationship is new a very intense. I think this might become something really, really good. We text constantly though the day, every day for the past three months. We get to see each other usually once a week for 24 hours because of complicated logistics. Now, my mother is very upset. When I went back to work, she promised how she would take care of my household and help with everything. Occasionally, she comes to wash dishes. Same with the boyfriend. She said how I should have fun and enjoy it. When I do, she is very upset, saying that I need to be home with my kids. Mind that I see him once a week, usually from Saturday noon to Sunday noon. Otherwise, I am at home almost every evening, occasionally, I go to a gym after work (like once week). This weekend, we are finally spending more time together - from Friday evening to Sunday afternoon and I am thrilled. My mother is furious and stopped talking to me 😕 So my question to you is - is my mother overreacting or am I being selfish? Seeing someone I really like once a week is not too much but on the other hand, it is true that I have not spend a full weekend with my kids for the past three months. When I ask my kids, they are mostly OK with it since they see I am really happy.

So - when my husband died, I had no dreams of him for the longest time. It has been 9 years and for the past 3 years I dream of him almost every night. I rarely think of him during the day but every night is the same thing. It was always a situation when he left and I could not find him. The reason why he left warried but the feeling of panic that I can't find him was always the same (like could not find him for a month...had no idea where he dissappeared to). I went to see a therapist and the dreams finally stopped. BUT - for the past month or so I have a new one - he returns but tells me that he won't be living with me anymore, he just might show up every now and then. I get startled at first and then (to protect myself) want to get a divorce or ask him not to come ever again. However, I always wake up before I get to tell him so I don't know what would happen then. So - my psychological analysis - I can't accept he will not be coming back but what about the new dream? Why do I dream every night about wanting to end this but the dream keeps coming back? I really want to move on but I think my subconsciousness does not want me to let go.

First, huge thanks to everybody who managed to open this side after Ywbb closed. It saved my life 7 years ago and as I move on with my life, and come here like once a year, I missed it being closed. So, me and my three kids manage OK I guess. With the rest of my family overseas and my DH's family dead, I managed all the lonely Kindergarden graduations, birthdays and Christmases. Even went on a few dates but with having nobody to watch my kids it gets really expensive in babysitting fees. Friends? Oh yeah. If I come to their party or go for coffee with them. When I thought I needed a surgery and asked around who could watch the kids for a couple of days, they flat refused. Or when I got stranded with a broken car and I needed someone to pick up my kids from school - they had to go shopping, see their mom, do homework with their kids. Oh, and the 40th birthday I celebrated alone because they were too busy. So yeah, I got friends. Just none that would be willing to help me when I really need it. But why I am mad: I get taken advantage of because I am single mom and my kids are paying the price and it makes me really mad. From handymen doing the shitties work possible, to service men constantly asking me if they can talk to my husband because I don't have the brain cells to understand why the dishwasher leaked. To fathers pushing their kids in front of mine at events because they can and my kids than looking like someone stole a candy from them. To all three homeroom teachers complaining that I am not raising my kids well and that I need to pay more attention to them (yeah, news flash - there is only 24 hours, work to go to, house to take care of, homework to do and no, i can't take a day and spend it with my child - you know, I got two more, what should I do with them?). Or the fact that my son has never had any dad, nobody was ever willing to take this child and show him how to be a boy and now, at 9, he is kinda messed up. All the Boy Scout meetings with all the dads...and me. All the soccer practices with all the proud dads and me and my two young daughters. They all feel sorry for me but when it comes to it, they all take care of their families and I and my kids are left out in the cold. And I realize it's not other people's responsibilities to raise my family but I am really mad at my DH who put us in this situation. Who made my children to be from a single parent family, envying all the other kids who had fathers, and wishing nothing more than having one too. It was long, I know but nobody else would get this but people here.