paulhaltom

its been 8 months....8 months - I got sober - ,which in some ways I regret , because now I just feel it all the time, I didnt want to come to this group until I had something positive to contribute, but its not getting better, and the darkness is starting to scare me...the kids have abandoned me completely ....." murderer, you killed our fatther...why didn't you tell us" - these are the postings i just had removed from my face book page, we were married for 15 years ...I adopted two of them, thhey saw their father go from a virulent strong man - to a 93 1lb blind quad that couldnt breath or swallow on his own - they all saw iut - so why am I the murderer now they wont return my calls, give me my DOG, my fucking6 year old Dachshund, they won let me have him after I let them take them during the very end , it was to hard for me to have an animal that needed walking when your soulmate could die at any second - and they wone let me see my grand son , I promised my Husband i would help with the child - but If I am not around how can I- , I already lost him. I moved - I left Austin, I moved to Lawrence KS - I came here to go to nursing school - but was excepted in their art textiles program - so I am going back to study printmaking and textile art - but nothing is better, the pain is so fresh and raw all the time i forget he had been gone for as long as he has been . I miss him more each day m- I am still starving myself and resisting taking meds, i guess in a subconscious hope that the universe just takes me too - I don't care any more - I wouldn't try again - but I cant take the screaming silence anymore - I still here the machines - see him in the corners and wake up EVERY Morning thinking I hear him,I dont think I can take this much longer- I should be better - i am strong - I walked with him for 4 years while his body disintegrated and when I get came time - i did it - I turned off the machines, I am strong - i was able to kill the only thing that ever loved me (for 16 years) but I dont feel like I am strong enough to get through this anymore - If anyone has any advice that would help, I would REALLY appreciate it - its getting dark again...and to all of you going through this too - God be with all of you...

So it took my husband over four years from his diagnosis to pass - I never left his side, I got trained in all areas of critical care so i could bring him home - by the time he passed he was a blind quad, that could not breath or swallow on his own - and it was me that turned his machine off and held him until the end. Our children saw all of this, his family saw all of this , telling me how thankful they were that I was in his life - so I could help him through this....at his memorial (1) the toast from the boys was that they were glad there mother (who passed 16 years ago) and there father could be "back together" (2) the family didn't mention me in his obituary (3) within one month I have been called a murderer - that he died because of my neglect , the kids actually hired an attorney to try and sue me for the rights to my husbands half of some land we own - i never saw it coming. I was with him for 15 years - paid for two of them to go to school, I was there for them - and in the end they abandoned me. I share this with you so you can know you aren't alone - we all grieve differently , .my only advice I can give is that if they aren't helping you through your grief, don't invest to much emotional energy to her, all we can do is love our kids - they don't mean to hurt us when they do , but they can hurt us worse than friends or strangers - I will always love my kids, but I stopped trying to communicate with them, because it was making my recovery harder - stay strong, feel free to drop me a line on here if you ever need to talk about family and the grief process - i am sure I am not alone....there are so many of us that have children - and from what I have read - all of us react completely differently in the grief process - my thoughts and prayers are with you

So its been 7 months since my beloved Hugh left me alone - and yes I fell off the wagon, hard, I know that using isn't going to solve anything, but I was sooooo tired of crying all day that I caved and I started using drugs - a lot of them. I guess what I find ironic is all the people that promised they would be there, aren't. I did what I thought I was supposed to do,and that was be honest and let people know, if your in this situation, DON'T tell anyone, and seek the type of help that you need. I lost my job, my step kids won't talk to me, most of his family stopped talking to me. My three closest friends all said the same thing to me "Paul, we know your going through a hard time, but this is unacceptable" - no whats unacceptable is that all of you that are trying to lecture me right now NONE OF YOU have been through this, NONE OF YOU have had to bury your spouse, watch them die - hold them as they gasp for their last breath - it breaks you - into a million little pieces - so would all of you stop giving me lectures on drug use, and help me put myself back together , i know its wrong, but I also know that life isnt supposed to hurt this bad