rifatheroffour

RAM,  I'm sorry you don't feel like its getting any better. Your day today of course would be a tough one to feel better on. I also had 19 years married with her and am heading toward what should have been our 25th anniversary this April.  I'm 5 years out and I was also not feeling much better a couple years ago and still today there are moments and days that are tough...but those days do get further and further apart. Everyone's experience is still different despite our similarities.

Hoping you can have a peaceful night and better tomorrow. 

Well chicken is healthier, more versatile and economical...but a lightly salted and peppered piece of quality beef is hard to beat for flavor.

with that piece of beef do you want steak fries or mashed potatoes?

Out load for sure, the louder the better at times.  Music should be shared...you can't share in headphones. Ok maybe with one other person and that may be sweet but I don't have that right now...so again out loud!

Full moon lit night or star filled dark sky?

Yes, we are the ones who have all that knowledge left locked up in our heads and hearts.  I have also found it difficult to realize we are the only ones who truly know and to some extent care.

Revel in those memories when they come to you if you can, maybe even write them down, it may help you to retain them longer.

Yes this does suck...

I'm sorry you lost your soulmate. I also woke one morning to find my wife had died during the night. It was unexpected despite the fact that she had been ill for some time.  That was a little over 5 years ago.  I understand the pain and complete destruction you are feeling at this time.  Try to take care of yourself one moment, hour or day at a time.  I won't tell you that things only get better...there were days that did get better and then some that slipped back to the awful beginning but in time the distance between those awful days got longer. As someone else once said your track record for daily survival is 100% in spite of how you may feel on any given day.

There are people here who will listen and have been where you are. I wish you moments of peace...

I can't say that I really drink either whiskey or scotch but a couple weeks ago at a post holiday party I was treated to some 20 year old Pappy Van Winkles Family Reserve Kentucky Straight Bourbon...damn that was smooth!

Traveling do you prefer domestic or international?

I remember this day.... I remember a call for an emergency bago...

I do as well and will never forget the details of that day.  Being here for one another has been one of the most affirming parts of my life the last five years.

I reworded my question and asked "Would you like to see me again" and that got a yes. Which is really the confirmation i was looking for.

That is very smart!

Coming out of a very loving and healthy marriage it is difficult to go back to square one with a new person and not long for that deeper connection that only grows over time. So, I am going to try and slow down and enjoy each moment as it comes and try not to worry to much about what comes next.

Yes!, while I'm not "online dating" I am just starting to see someone I have know for many years and this is exactly how I am feeling. Trying very hard to remember to enjoy the moments as they come and worry about tomorrow...tomorrow.

I generally prefer to eat in, I can cook and hate paying for mediocre food.  Of course if it's to enjoy someone's company eating out can be nice too...tough choice!

More often than not eating in.

Secluded cabin in the woods or beach front bungalow?

Echoing most of the above.  I've flown with ashes to the Caribbean and Europe.  I have them in a ziplock bag inside a cloth box from Pier One.  I did have our rings and a letter from the mortuary tucked in there as well but have had no questions asked about them. They were always in my carry on bag with me.

It's Saturday night, my house is empty of all the kids tonight. I have been puttering around ticking off little projects most of the day.  I should now do some database cleanup for work...WOOHOO! I'm going to skip watching anything because it will completely distract me. I'm already distracted here...lol.

Anyway, just wanted to "stop by" and say hello to everyone.

Well tonight seems right to bump this thread and answer the last question left behind...

Lately it's been TV Series if I'm home and alone or even sometimes with some or one kid.

How about travel theme for tonight...

Camping...Tents or RV with all the comforts of home?

Mishka,  My kids and I just observed our fifth sadiversary of my wife's death two weeks ago.  Like you I felt it seemed to get harder as time moved forward and approached that dreaded day the first year.  We spent the day together and the first year my wife's three sisters came to spend the day with us. My wife was cremated and she does not have a burial plot so we do not do flowers etc.  Since the first year we have spent the day just being together, going out to lunch together, nothing fancy, but taking a day to remember her and talk about her and be together in her honor.  No special plans etc, that way we can just lay low if emotions require it.  Let the day take it's course and honor whatever feelings and emotions come to you.

Take each day, hour or minute as they come, you will come out the other side eventually.

yes that pretty much sums it up

I remember a discussion with a good friend of mine early on when she suggested there would be a time when I'd be open to new love. I was so angry at that suggestion I thought I could NEVER get there.  Here I am 5 years later and yes it is possible! I'm so enamored with someone wonderful and look forward to each new day of contact with her.

Never say never...I was always a James Bond Fan...lol, I guess I forgot about that for a while.

Please don't apologize for long posts. They may be just what someone else out there needs to hear about. It is posts like this about life and our choices, right or wrong, and what we learn from them that made the predecessor board YWBB the resource that it was for many of us. Sadly when that board closed we lost so much history, knowledge and wisdom. I still remember the night in June of 2013 when I just could not take much more of this new life and I went online to find something...I can't imagine my life now had I not found this community. I read for hours deep into that night and I knew that I would be ok in time.

So please continue to muse you are helping to rebuild this resource for those that will sadly keep coming to join us.

Thank you for all of the responses. Yes, TS2, it was incredibly raw still back then. I've been surprised by how different this year is going so far.  At 5, 6 or 8 months out I would never have believed that this would be possible. I spent the whole sadiversary together with the kids at the end of the day we watched a movie together afterwards I brought up the idea that I may be ready to date and how did they feel about that, any questions etc. There was not a lot of discussion other than who, which I dismissed, I told them I'd let them know when there was something they needed to know about.  They basically gave me the green light...lol. My kids are now almost 16 and up and really should be able to handle this part by now as they are also experiencing what spending time with someone who captivates their interests is like.  I'm relieved as this past Saturday I spent the evening with my college friend on our first official date and it could not have been any better.

New normal and moving forward in life is possible. It seems time does heal wounds even if there is still a scar left. The question is how much time is right for each of us.

It is now five years since the light in my life was extinguished.  I can recall with such vivid detail every moment of that morning, the night before and the week preceding her death.  Yet I don't recall those days very often any more, I can only assume and hope that means the deepest wound I have ever suffered has somehow managed to scar over and dare I say even heal some.  As I write this the first tears of the day have finally started, I had begun to wonder if they would as this day has been far gentler than I expected. In fact the whole lead up to this day has been gentle so far.  This is the first year where the sadiversary falls on a weekend, so no work, no school for the kids.  The past years there was always some discussion in advance about who wants to stay home from school and why, not that I was not going to let them.  I have taken the day off from work each time so far so this year is just different.

Life has moved forward to a new normal I guess.  I have graduated two kids and another will this spring. I've gone from 4 kids at home every day and full time in school to...in college away and at home, still in high school, working schedules, girl friends and social lives that far exceed mine!  In those 5 years I have had one short lived romantic involvement that in retrospect was too early and with someone who was not truly available, one online date that put me off the concept of online dating entirely to today which finds me mutually enamored with an old college friend that brings a smile to my face, as I write this, even on day like today and a hope for my future that wasn't there a few short years ago.  I have many good friends, some from life as I knew it who have stuck by me and helped me along the way.  Some I have met only through the mutual tragedy of our lives, my wid friends, and some of them are the closest friends I know now.  NEW Normal is an odd place to be. I'd like to think I'd give it all up to still have Fal with me but life today isn't all bad and what would I have to give up today for that? How would that have altered the course of my kids lives, who have proven to be strong independent people in their own right. Their lives are not perfect, whose is, but they can be proud of where they have gone over the last five years. Of course I can say this with the full knowledge that it was never up to me where the course of our lives would take us.  Whether you believe life is guided by a higher power or just random chance I can't change what happened but I can choose to embrace whatever good has come my way since. I have not always thought this way.  I can't tell you when I began to feel this way.  I know I'm enjoying moments in my life now more often than not and that is not a bad thing.

I decided this morning that I wanted to post something about achieving survival for five years. As many of us do and say, I don't post often but I read regularly. Lately though I am coming to the realization that if I don't post often and no one else posts often then what will I be able to read as time goes on. More importantly what will others who find the need of this sacred place find? I will endeavor to try and do better, to give back to the place that I have received so much from, to pay it forward.  I know it's not easy for any of to do given what life has thrown at us and trying our best just to survive and find our new normals. Of course my original thoughts about where this post might go have been completely hijacked by my stream of consciousness, maybe that is why I had such a hard time titling this one and went with simply 5 years.

So thank you, if you have made it this far into my rambling.  I wish all of us peace in our new normals as we put the pieces of our lives back together in whatever time frame that works best for you.

Some advice to anyone who finds him/her/themself here:  never underestimate the power of virtual connections.  Some of them have truly sustained me through very difficult moments, and some have also converted into real-life friendships.

I second this thought completely!

Fuck that my BIL is such a cheap, unimaginative, self centered jerk of a person.  SIGH...OK that's off my chest!

I'm on the coast in Southern Rhode Island, so far we have about 8" average and another 6 hours to go I'm told. There was nothing at 7am when I had to run to work to meet a delivery otherwise we are closed today. I spent part of the later morning plowing with my oldest son at my work and 2 organizations I volunteer for. I am now home warming and drying before another run out later that will also include my parents driveway.

I hope everyone is at least safe and warm.  Overall I do actually love this weather, I do truly belong in New England with its seasons.

It's been said many times before that every successful marriage ends in death.

I hate this and love it all at the same time...a sad but beautiful truth that I am paradoxically thankful to have experienced.

After almost 5 years I can't believe that I never read this before today.  Beautifully written, unbelievably on point and excruciatingly emotional.

Thank you Wifeless

I'm listening to the sounds of tryouts for the drum Corp 2 of my kids may spend their spring and summer with...

This comes after spending the weekend camping with the scouts and another one of my sons.

So technically two good things but its one spent enjoying the things my kids do.

Yes, the 50th anniversary, I had both my parents and ILS celebrate theirs last year...I was there I was pleasant but damned if I was going to be celebratory...jealous is the feeling I had to contain.