devastatedbroken

Thanks for all your support, it means a lot. His funeral day was fairly traumatic, my friend who attended the funeral took me to his grave after all the family had left which whilst was heartbreaking, made me realise for a moment that he was actually gone. The next week, his friends and I all got together and went for a few drinks to celebrate him. His friends of 20+ years knew him very well and didn't blame me, even before they knew what he had been doing to be the past few months. This was very helpful to me as the blame and exclusion from his parents was excruciating to bear. I'm still going through periods of guilt, despair, hopelessness, anger and sadness but sometimes there is a ray of hope that I am finally free of the mental gymnastics that he put me through. I tried so hard to keep him alive for so long, even if it meant that I was unhappy and the point when I decided to put myself first, he ends it in a horrible way which is not easy for someone who is naturally unselfish. I'm working through my feelings with my counsellor but I just wish with my whole heart that he didn't have to take it to a level that was impossible to return from. My heart wrenches for his family, they must be going through hell, from finding him to living without him must be heartbreaking. I can in some form move on but they will have constant reminders of him. I'm still upset that they blame me but ultimately, he was their son. Anyway, thanks again for all the replies, I really do appreciate them and they gave me a lot of comfort in my darkest hours.

18 months ago, I met a man who was perfect in every single way but had a fatal flaw, he was an addict. He stopped using to win me over but replapsed fairly quickly. Despite my obvious determination to end the relationship, he worked hard to get me back, he got a job and started going to counselling, after a while, we got back together as I really thought he was trying. We were happy for another few months, he would do anything for me and I really thought that I'd fell on my feet. But, I suspected he was using again, he denied it and convinced me that he'd stand by me to work with my trust issues, so I immediately got help. There were further clues to him using and finally in July, I decided to trust my gut, I didn't need him to admit it, I knew in my heart that he was and he was also lying about it. I ended the relationship there, ignored all calls and went to visit a friend in another country to get away from it all. Whilst I was over there, his parents were ringing me asking me to give him a bit of hope as he couldn't live without me. I refused to give in and ignored over 40 calls and messages from him also. When I returned from my friends, his parents begged me to ring him or go round as he said he was going to kill himself. I again said no but then decided I couldn't live with his death on my concious, so I went to his house and he had attempted suicide, an image that I will never forget. We resuscitated him until the ambulance came, he lived and I was so distraught and vulnerable at that time, I didn't have the strength to walk away. I then found out I was pregnant before I'd ended the relationship and somehow it seemed like we'd all been given a second chance. Sadly I miscarried which was devestating. We stayed together a while longer but guess what, I suspected that he was using again. He was getting diagnosed left right and centre for aspergers, bipolar, depression etc, but in all honesty if he had given up the drugs, I'm sure many of his issues would have got better. I struggled to deal with finding him when he tried to kill himself, was put on anti depressants and signed off work. Our relationship was turbulent to say the least, I didn't want to be in it but he placed me at the centre of his world and often threatened to kill himself should I leave him, which I was only too ready to believe with that image haunting me. Several incidents happened, he tried to break into my house, threatened to kill himself when I asked him to leave so I contacted the police who charged him with harassment, he broke his bail conditions (not to contact me by any means) and with a heavy heart, in October, I rang the police again and they bailed him again with the same conditions (not to contact me) but told him in no uncertain terms that he'd go straight to prison if he broke them again. I was still receiving counselling at this point and I was working towards understanding how he was manipulating me and I was growing stronger every day. Sadly, he broke them and no matter what I thought was right or wrong, I could not bring myself to tell the police as I knew he'd go to jail. The calls got worse, he rang me over and over the desperation in his voice was heartbreaking, I knew we couldn't be together but I couldn't help being there for him. He stopped for a while in December and I started to feel better and returned to work. He started posting on Facebook pictures of his slashed arms and saying he was going to kill himself, every time he did this, rather than contacting him to see if he was okay, I rang the police and they would visit him. The restraining order was still in place but the phonecalls didn't stop. :cry: :cry: Valentine's evening came, he kept ring and ringing, I knew he was desperate but fought with all my strength not to answer and then finally gave in, we argued, I shouted at him, I was probably the meanest that I've ever been to him in a desperate attempt to make him stop. Eventually, after 30 phonecalls, I told him that I'd had enough, we weren't in a relationship so stop contacting me. He asked me if I was seeing someone else and I told him it was none of his business. The next day the police arrived at my door, I knew as soon as I opened it what they were going to say. He had committed suicide, I don't remember much else apart from screaming and crying. The last week has been a blur.... I'm not even sure what day it is. His family have asked me not to attend his funeral as they believe the last time we spoke had made him kill himself. I am devastated beyond belief, I can't cope with the guilt and the fact that he made such a final decision based on my words. Thanks for listening X