akalei30

Everyone is asking me "how are the kids doing?" I said "it's hard to tell" most times but I really don't know. And I don't know what's normal and what's not. I told them the truth of exactly what happened. It's only been 2 weeks. So it's still fresh. My 7yo she has aspergers. But isn't in any therapy. (That's a whole other story and something I've been working on) But shes never cried and seems to almost not care at all. When I ask her if she misses dad she just says "yes" in kinda a cold almost rehearsed way. She didn't see him at the hospital either. The child psych at the hospital spoke with her but she didn't speak back to her. She just kept looking like she was spaced out. The same thing happened when the school counselor spoke with her. Then my almost 4yo is always talking about dad. But as if he is still around Like "I can't go pee cause daddy is in the washroom". She saw him in the hospital. She always says he is sleeping in the sky and smiles looking up. But within the last 2 days she suddenly has an invisible friend named "susie" and has been saying she and me and other people are going to "died" it's kinda creepy. And shes a year delayed in speech so all this talking is also new for her. This morning she was saying she was cold. So I gave her her sweater. She then said "I was cold and I died" a bit later she said something about me having hurt legs and died as well. She also says creepy stuff about susie. Last night at bedtime she told me "susie has broken hands and wants to rip off your tattoo"

All company has left and last night was our first night just me and the kids alone. Tonight is our second night. I had to sleep with my lamp on the majority of the night and the rain sound from my alarm clock playing white noise. I'm so used to his snoring it was eerie just having silence and my over active imaginsrion at every sound I hear.

Everyone looks at me like some pathetic lost oupoy or are like "no way you're too young". Sorry in not 30-40 years older. We have 2 kids 3 and 7 and its hard to tell how they're taking it. Or if they fully understand. I've tried to find support groups in real life but it's hard cause I'm either the youngest you by a landslide or they're very religious based. We are not religious at all. I have famiky staying but they all go home in a few days (8+ hours away) and I will truely be alone. I have local family (his side) that claim they will be there for me. But how do I know for sure? We barely saw each other over the last 10 years and now they want to be around and know the kids. I crynso much at night my pillows get soaked. And I feel guilty cause we had an argument that morning about the alarm clock. I just okay that day in my head over and over. I wasn't even with him when it happened (vessle in brain stem spontaneously burst from high blood pressure)

Totally unexpected and sudden. It's still surreal. I just can't believe it. He was the sole provider and I've been a sahm the last 8 years. I have so many thoughts and emotions. I don't even know what to type here. I am young. Only 30.