ScienceFan

You could be in shock.

Everyone is different because of their personality type and their life circumstances.

I was in shock for about 4-5 weeks.

I couldn't trust myself to drive (I turned the wrong way on a one way street) but I was functioning.

I did what I had to do, made the decisions I had to make.

I burst into tears 6 times a day for 3 months.

I couldn't stand in front of the stove and cook for 6 months.

I call it my "deer in the headlights" phase.

As you read more posts, you will see grief isn't as cut and dried as people make it sound.

For some widows, the first year is the hardest and for some, it's the second year.

*hugs*

So sorry for your loss. My husband died suddenly too.

:'(

I am so terribly sorry. You have just described the very thing I am terrified of experiencing.

I am so sorry you had such an experience.

I understand what you mean about wondering if you will be able to trust again.

Trust takes a while to develop again, but it can happen.

*sending hugs*

The sights on the Mall should keep you busy for a couple of days, at least!

I love the Natural History Museum, the National Gallery of Art and the Air & Space Museum on the Mall.

You have to make an extra effort to get over to the Jefferson Memorial... don't miss it.

I agree about seeing the Zoo... that's almost a whole day all by itself.

The Washington National Cathedral is only 1 mile from the Zoo.

The National Arboretum is worth seeing... they have some bonsai trees that are centuries old!

DC has a Madame Tussauds Wax Museum - I would NOT miss that!

And it's near Chinatown - a great place for lunch!

Have fun!

I started purging last summer in preparation for a move next year. The easy stuff. Filled a dumpster with scrap lumber, old furniture, every single box from every single thing we ever purchased. (Not sure why we had to save all that stuff anyway.) I actually threw the lumber away twice, once when she was alive, she explained that it was useful and pulled it out of the dumpster and once after she had passed. I looked up, metaphorically, and explained to her that yes I was right this lumber is not worth saving.

 

Now comes the harder stuff to purge. She kept a shoebox for every year of her life since middle school. Each one labeled and filled with memories, photos, menus, ticket stubs etc. All of it is priceless and valueless at the same time. The boxes take up a closet worth of space. And in them are memories of our times together and our sons lives. I am both looking forward to sorting through them and dreading it but someday it will need to be done. If only to set aside the things worth saving for the boys and the things that have no value to anyone but her. I have no desire to read the letters from her high school sweetheart and at the same time it feels wrong to just throw them in a dumpster. Wedding dress, pressed flowers, ticket stubs to our first concert. Sometime this summer I will invite her best friend, or my sister, or someone over just to sit with me as I start the process. But it is going to be a sunny day, with the window open and a breeze blowing in brining the smell of green leaves and flowers before I even think about going through all of that.

I have a hard time throwing away things like that, too.

I read an idea once to take photos of things you want to throw away because the photos take up less space. I do it sometimes.

I still have my stuffed animal collection from when I was a kid, but when I have to move, I will take photos first, then discard the toys.

I think it's a great idea to have her best friend or your sister sit with you. They might even be able to offer insight.

One 'rule' I used when I was discarding my late husband's things... if I had an emotional reaction to the item, I kept it, if I didn't, I let it go.

I haven't cleared out his sock drawer yet... it's almost been 9 years.

ScienceFan,

 

 

Thank you so much for joining our community and sharing the story of your journey with us.

 

 

When I first found this community (back in the days on the YWBB), I was most drawn to the stories of wids much further out who had learned to live again. Those accounts filled me with much hope and made it easier to carry on.

They helped me make it through the times when I had no one else to talk to...

there was always someone available there to share with and to empathize.

Thank you SF for your wonderful post.  I'm coming up on 3 yrs and you give me HOPE!  I want to live again and am working hard to do that.  Your post for me is very inspirational!

Hugs.

My husband died suddenly and unexpectedly at the age of 50. He was my provider and protector, my knight in shining armor. My whole life came crashing down. Everything changed.

I was in shock for the first 5 weeks - like a deer in the headlights; I couldn't trust myself to drive! For the first 3 months, I burst into tears 6 times a day. It took 6 months before I had the mental ability to stand at the stove and prepare a meal.  The first year was the hardest... all the "firsts" without him. It was 3.5 years before I felt like I had the emotional energy to organize my calendar and make appointments and hire people to do work around the house. It was 6.5 years before I finally embraced the idea of being single.

In the previous few years, about 5 weeks before the anniversary of my husband's death approached, I would begin thinking about him more often. I would think about the night he died more often and I would spiral down into sadness and depression... for half the month of March and most of April until the 21st of April.

I am really proud of my healing so far because this year, I did not do that. I really only had trouble the week before the anniversary and today has not been too painful at all. I've been treating myself with a little extra TLC this week and I took a vacation day today and went to the ocean and enjoyed the fresh air and sunshine and had a nice lunch out.

This last 12 months have been almost grief-free. I can think of my husband or talk about him without pain.

I hope my experience encourages others here who have just started their grief journey and wonder if the pain will ever end.