In a couple of days I will be 59. I was 49 when I was widowed - that was young. It's been 9 1/2 years since I held his hand.
At 59, I don't feel old, but I sure don't feel young. I've had a couple of relationships since (one ongoing), and while I can honestly say I love(d) those men, there is no marriage in my future. I married the last person for the last time and he's been gone longer than we were together. Time just keeps passing.
An old friend was just widowed. It got me thinking about how alone I feel most of the time. I have friendships and good relationships with my adult children, but this isn't the old age I planned for.
I am grateful for what I have in my life, but there's a pervasive sadness that I've never been able to throw off. I know where it comes from. I don't ever get to sit on a porch in rocking chairs with my husband. That was the old age I wanted. Just getting old together.