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  1. Five months feels like forever. I used to wish time would fly by so that I could get to my next goal, but now I think of time as a thief. I understand now how it can be cruel. As the days pass, the time I spent with my husband of 6 and 1/2 years becomes farther and farther away, instead I wish it could be close by so that I could hold it and there would never be a distance. We were so in love despite the difficulties of marriage and his sickness. I am not yet 30 and I feel almost no one in my social circle understands the pain of the loss. However, instead of this post being an ode to grief, I would like to share a memory of him. My husband and his siblings all have been very ill over the years (though my husband is the only one who has passed away from illness) causing us to move in and out of my in-laws over the years to give help to my in-laws and to receive help. The last apartment we lived in was a building in the historical part of town and was over 100 years old. Though it had been wonderfully renovated with tile flooring and all new bathroom and kitchen, during last year's record love bug season it was revealed the sealing between the windows and around the doors to the outside left much to be desired. Love bugs swarmed through the cracks like the locusts from the 10 plagues of Egypt from the Bible. Having a high aversion to bugs my husband suggested we go to my in-laws house for the night. It was Sunday night at 10:30 PM, I had work Monday at 8 AM, and there was no way on God's green earth I was going to pack him and I up, travel 30 minutes unpack and settle in at my in-laws that night and still be able focus in the morning. My husband's liver was beginning to fail along with other medical complications and so he mainly had to move around in a wheelchair, was not able to do any heavy lifting, and was generally on the brink of nearly passing out if he moved too much. Stubbornly, at 5' 6" and 135 pounds I decided I would conquer moving our mattress into a less bug filled room. He laid on the couch while swatting away the love bugs invading our living room while I got creative and determinedly tilted our queen sized mattress, box spring, and frame from our bedroom to our office across the house. Though irritated he couldn't help and that we were not leaving our love bug infested apartment for the night, he was shocked and moved by my determination to sleep in my own bed and pushing past all energy reserves without a word he came to help put a new bedspread on. Triumphant in my endeavors I put a towel at the bottom of the door to prevent love bugs from coming in. That night I slept as he snuggled me and thought even in his sickness, despite the diseases plaguing his body and how uncomfortable the bugs made him, and believe me they made him really uncomfortable he was still making sacrifices for me. I believe he is in Heaven and I hope one day, maybe he already does, he knows that these silly memories are my love letter to him. Thank you for sharing in my loss.
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