Therapy question

[Needytoo]

I need advice; hopefully I will keep this brief.  My husband was a functional alcoholic.  He also had good traits but his alcoholism was a huge strain on our family.    Often he would get off work and go straight down to the basement without saying hello and drink.  He was never abusive and never missed work he was just often absent in our marriage.  A few months before his passing he admitted he had a problem but still wasn?t there to get the help he needed.  He was starting to be more present in our marriage and being a father then he passed away from a ?widowmaker? heart attack in his sleep. 

 

My husband?s father also passed away from a heart attack at a young age and I think my husband always struggled with that and that might have been one of the root causes of his alcoholism.  I found therapy  soon after his passing.  I was referred to one of the best therapist (I was told) in the city.  At the time we still didn?t know the cause of death and I focused a lot on his drinking (I now know this is a common thing to do).  The therapist told me ?it was a good thing your husband died?.  Those words, those dam words screwed me up so much.  Because she was ?the best? therapist I kept on going and she just kept screwing me up more.  Finally on another site a member told me to fire her and I did. 

 

During all of this I was also struggling with my oldest son with his mental illness and the total lack of support from anyone.  I felt so alone.  I faked it at work and would come home and just stare at the walls.  I can?t even remember how I got to an Al-anon meeting but thank god I did.  It helped me so much understanding my husband?s problems and how it has affected me. 

I tried two or maybe it was three other therapists.  Some of them quit or just kept cancelling my appointments so I gave up.  I feel I have come a long way but still having some issues.  Sometimes I really still feel sorry for myself and I think I am having some serious intimacy relationship problems.  When I say intimacy relationship problems I mean the ability to trust a friend or family relative.  Of course I would like intimate relationship with a guy but let?s just focus on this right now.  I have had a few problems with friends/family and it has sent me a little bit of a step backwards. 

 

I really don?t want to just throw my money away and I sure in hell don?t want a therapist like my first one.  Has anyone done therapy for intimacy problems and what should I be looking for in a therapist? 

 

[Bluebird]

Hi Needytoo,

 

I went to a therapist prior to finding alanon, and my goal was to have the therapist help me figure out how to handle my husband's alcoholism and save our marriage/help us get back to a normal family life.

 

BIG ASK!

 

After a while, my therapist's gentle nudging to get me off the topic of "my husband's problem" and on the topic of mine, my self care, my sanity, my quality of life etc. led me to fire him. I can look back now and laugh, because of course, he was right!

 

Anyway, firing him was fantastic because I found alanon right after that, and in alanon I found the relief I needed to begin looking at myself, my relationship with my alcoholic husband, and my relationships with other people too.

 

So I guess this is a long winded answer to say that I found help in alanon for me and the damaged ways I was relating to people in general. i continued to attend for many years after my husband died and it was invaluable to me.

 

Wishing you well as you take on getting to a better place in some of your other relationships. I think it's fantastic that you've identified it and want to do something about it.

 

Take care, Bluebird.

 

 

[Needytoo]

I am so glad I posted this.  Yesterday was just one of those days,  but I just kept on going and after posting not once the rest of the day did I feel sorry for myself. 

 

After posting this I went to yoga.  For half of the class we all just sat and chatted.  I didn't share too much but hearing other people and what they have done for their own recovery is amazing. We all have our stories to tell and we all have to be very aware of our own self recovery. 

 

After class I noticed I had a text message.  My BIL text me to let me know my former supervisor passed away just the same way as my  husband.  That brought it all back like a black cloud and it wasn't horrible feeling.  Then around lunch time I received a text from a friend that she was in a crash. Like a snap of the fingers I was back in the present.  Thank god no one was hurt badly.  Then in the evening went for an art class and laughed so hard my sides hurt.  What a roller coaster of an emotions I had yesterday. Life is that way sometimes.

 

I am so glad you got back to me Bluebird, just like you Alanon opened my eyes so much. I think I will try it again before going back into therapy.  Thanks for the advise.