Changing Your Surname?

[Catherine]

Hi everyone

 

I just wondered if this was just me..........I changed my surname back to my maiden name, and my title to Ms about 8 months after Phil died.

 

I didn't do this necessarily for me, but more for other people.  For example, I found in certain situations it was hard and I didn't want to deal with it!  For example I went into a Pandora store to get my friend a charm for her birthday.  So they needed my details for the guarantee.  Because I obviously said "Mrs" the girl bless her heart then went "oh wow you are married, how long you need married for??" so then I obviously had to act like Phil was still here, because if I said "oh well no actually......." the poor girl would have felt awful.  Then another time, similar situation, I said I wasn't married anymore, the person I was talking to was then like "oh right, I'm getting divorced too......." so I was like argh!!!!  :-\

 

 

Also, when I gave my name I felt like it was a little stab in my heart everytime, it was Phil's name, a constant reminder of what had happened and I guess I just felt it was making it harder to deal with

 

Just to clarify, I lost Phil to suicide and we have no kids, I think I may have felt differently if the circumstances for loosing him were different?

[Jess]

I haven't considered changing my surname back to my maiden name, but I agree it does sting. I feel like I am faking it with his last name and not being married any more. I too had no children with him. But, I do not think I will change it unless I remarry. I think it is laziness about the paperwork.

[Catherine]

Yeah me too, I had his name but wasn't married anymore, so felt like that name wasn't my identify I suppose, weird  :-\

[Jess]

I wonder if it is common for others to feel like the name doesn't fit any more regardless of whether they followed through with the change or not. I had never heard someone voice discomfort with the married surname, so I am glad you mentioned it.

 

If I may ask, do you have contact with his family and if so, how did they feel about you going back to your maiden name?

[Catherine]

It's probably just me LOL!!  Like I said, just had a few social incidents that made me feel it would be easier to change it.  Maybe it's because I lost him to suicide, I guess it would be different saying to someone he was poorly or was in an accident, not sure, there is definitely something awkward about telling someone your husband hung himself  :-\ then they ask why??  and you can't tell them because you don't know either

 

He didn't have a massive family and I am still in regular contact with his sister & his parents, they live about 4 hours away so we try to see each other a couple of times a year his Dad calls me more than my Dad ha!!  And they also look after my dogs for me when I am away.  They didn't seem to bothered about me changing my name to be honest, they understood.

[Tricia]

I've given this some thought, and right now, I feel like I would keep my married name, even if I remarried. It's my kids' last name and it's who I've been for half my life. It's been the name I've used professionally, and it ties me to Daniel and his family. It's all theoretical at this point, and I might very well change my mind. I certainly don't think there's a wrong or right answer, either. Interesting topic.

[Jen]

I've thought a lot about this too-- maybe it's more complicated for me, or maybe I'm just a horrible mum. My name isn't the same as my kids'-- I divorced their dad and took Jim's name happily when we got married. My first marriage was a train wreck, and I was thrilled to be rid of his surname, even though I felt a little guilty-- it is my kids' name, after all, but I rarely use it. (When I yell at them, it's first and middle names only!)

 

My current name is the one I used to doodle on my notebooks in junior high. <blush> It's the one I always wanted, and felt as though I'd won the cosmic lottery when I finally got it. For a long time I was adamant that I would never, never change it-- even if I was given the chance, which I doubt I will be, but whatever-- it is what it is. Now I've started to think that maybe... under the right circumstances... I don't know, maybe I would hyphenate? Without Jim here, it doesn't mean as much. My in-laws are kind, but I don't feel like I'm a member of their family. On the other hand... we tried to get pregnant, and were never able to have a baby together. In that sense-- and this might sound melodramatic, but it's what goes through my head-- his name is the only thing Jim gave me, so I feel obligated to keep it.

 

I think whatever feels right to you is the right answer. (((Hugs)))