Catherine

This is me this month :-[ you aren't alone Xx

I had a similar situation with the best friend. He was actually my friend first!! We went to high school together, I didn't see him for years until I was out with my housemate at the time, bumped into him and then he got with my housemate (they are still together now!!) that's how I met Phil! He moved to Oz years ago but oddly, was back the week Phil died as the boys were due to go on a stag do the following weekend to when everything happened. When he was here (including that morning) he was a rock, there for me, there for everyone else. Then he went back to Oz, and literally cut everyone off :'( deleted Facbook, ignored emails everything! It was like that for about a year then be opened up a but again. I do speak to him on Skype/Facebook when he's about now. But the best friend situation is sad/hard to deal with too. I feel ya!

I will!! Was meant to be going on Friday, but me and my friend are going on holiday a week on Saturday, so we have decided to go when we get back

Phil's parents live 4 hours away from me, so we agreed to split the ashes into two parts, I thought this was only fair and everyone was happy with this For my half, we went into the woods in an area he used to work in a lot. He was a tree surgeon, and the people he worked for had a plot of land where they grew Christmas trees, and it was a really lovely spot that Phil loved. The people he worked for also gave us a tree to plant, so what we did was plant the tree and put his ashes in with it, so in theory he would grow with the tree. His family and our friends loved that idea. I don't go there very often, just around birthdays and things. We have hung a few bits and pieces on the tree too. The other half, there is a church gardens near his families house, where they got a bench and plaque, and we made a day of that too. You just need to do what's best for you I personally think it's nice to have somewhere you can go and think of them

It's probably just me LOL!! Like I said, just had a few social incidents that made me feel it would be easier to change it. Maybe it's because I lost him to suicide, I guess it would be different saying to someone he was poorly or was in an accident, not sure, there is definitely something awkward about telling someone your husband hung himself :-\ then they ask why?? and you can't tell them because you don't know either He didn't have a massive family and I am still in regular contact with his sister & his parents, they live about 4 hours away so we try to see each other a couple of times a year his Dad calls me more than my Dad ha!! And they also look after my dogs for me when I am away. They didn't seem to bothered about me changing my name to be honest, they understood.

Yeah me too, I had his name but wasn't married anymore, so felt like that name wasn't my identify I suppose, weird :-\

I am the same, in the 12 months since Phil died, 4 people had (or their partner) babies, to make it worse they were all born around the time I had expected me and Phil to be having babies as we were trying just before he died So totally, 100% know how you feel, it's crap

Walk my dogs at least an hour a day Stop being a lazy bum and prepare my food at the weekends so it's not an effort to make something after work Go to the gym 4 days a week Get 8 hours sleep a night

I would say I have all of "my" friends as have been friends with most of them since around 16. I still speak to Phil's parents and sister regularly, but our mutual friends/Phil's friends not so much. We don't have the same interests and I remember a few months ago I went round to someones house for tea (one of Phil's best friends, I know his girlfriend but we were never super close before) and I just couldn't join in the conversation!! I think the hardest thing is when you first loose your partner, everyone is there constantly, calling you, texting, checking you are OK etc. But then they get back to their life and move on, whereas for you, your partner WAS your life so you get left behind :-\

Glad I am not the only one who feels like this!!! I don't really like online dating, but as most of my friends are married and/or have kids, my social life is pretty dead!!! And I work in an office so don't really meet people through work. I feel like online dating is my online option, which sucks :-\ I have never hidden I am a widow and when I am on match (taken myself off for now, not been on for a few months as currently can't be bothered LOL) I am honest about the fact I am widowed, it hasn't affected anything as far as I am aware I have only actually been on one date through match, the guy said he was "separated" which put me off but he seemed really nice so I went to meet him anyway. He was literally just getting divorced, after being with his wife for 10 years, and I think he literally wanted to meet someone and get straight into a full on serious relationship! Told him I liked him but could we cool off (because he wanted to see me ALL the time, I have a job ha!) and then just as I decided to give things a go, he said he had started seeing someone else and after TWO DATES they were going to give things ago So after that I gave up, I am however been persuaded to go speed dating in a couple of weeks, let's see what that brings!!

Hi everyone I just wondered if this was just me..........I changed my surname back to my maiden name, and my title to Ms about 8 months after Phil died. I didn't do this necessarily for me, but more for other people. For example, I found in certain situations it was hard and I didn't want to deal with it! For example I went into a Pandora store to get my friend a charm for her birthday. So they needed my details for the guarantee. Because I obviously said "Mrs" the girl bless her heart then went "oh wow you are married, how long you need married for??" so then I obviously had to act like Phil was still here, because if I said "oh well no actually......." the poor girl would have felt awful. Then another time, similar situation, I said I wasn't married anymore, the person I was talking to was then like "oh right, I'm getting divorced too......." so I was like argh!!!! :-\ Also, when I gave my name I felt like it was a little stab in my heart everytime, it was Phil's name, a constant reminder of what had happened and I guess I just felt it was making it harder to deal with Just to clarify, I lost Phil to suicide and we have no kids, I think I may have felt differently if the circumstances for loosing him were different?

Hi Grace, That is so weird, did they say why they need to talk to you again?? Phil's inquest was 6 months after he died and I haven't heard anything since I empathise though because the inquest is and was horrible. The police that dealt with Phil's were 100% incompetent it was an absolute joke. I didn't complaint at the time because to be honest I just didn't have the energy. They had taken statements from us who were involved "that morning". Yet when they sent them to be checked, the ones taken from my friends were completely wrong, and they sent across to me to read as well. Then to my disgust, the police attempted to make out that Phil took his life because he was high on drugs. This was completely not true. Don't get my wrong, Phil did occasionally smoke weed and do coke at parties when he was younger. But the boys were due to go on a stag weekend the followed weekend from when everything happened, and Phil being Phil had picked some mushrooms when walking our dogs and sent a picture message to one of the boys.......and someone the police put 1 and 1 together and came up with 100. I was disgusted. The also "forgot" to summon one of our mutual friends to the inquest when they needed him because he was at the scene they found Phil therefore a key witness.......how do you forget that! When loosing your husband, and in these circumstances, you definitely do not need all this shit as well >

I miss having a companion....... I don't have anyone to go to the cinema with, walk my dogs with, go to concerts with, go on trips away with, even talk to after a day at work All my friends are mainly with their partners and kids, so feeling like I live a pretty lonely existence right now. I am with my dogs most of the time, I talk to them about everything and they are always there to give me a cuddle

I lost Phil 22 months ago. 2013 was without a doubt the worst year of my life. Lost my Mum to MS in January, lost my husband to suicide in October. For me, no one had any idea Phil was depressed, he literally just took off one day and took his life. So I spent a long time feeling like I had failed as his wife, how could I live with this man who I had known for 10 years and had no idea how he was feeling? I am now feeling very lost, we had no kids so for the first time in my life I am living alone. I say alone, but I do have my 2 dogs who mean the world to me. Mylo was mine and Phil's dog, although saying that Mylo was always more attached to Phil than me! So Mylo took loosing Phil very badly too, on the days I couldn't get out of bed, Mylo stayed by my side and didn't even ask for food or to go to the toilet, he was just protecting me. I then got Lola 2 months after Phil died and that was definitely a good decision, she gave me something to focus on. So really, I am on my own with no warning and a part of me died that day too. I feel like the world is moving on and I'm stuck in the moment of October 2013 and it's odd. I don't know what my purpose in life is anymore........especially as pretty much all my friends are married and/or have kids Hoping to make some new friends here who understand

This post was the exact reason I had been looking for somewhere to go lately.....I'm stuck too I lost Phil 22 months ago. 2013 was without a doubt the worst year of my life. Lost my Mum to MS in January, lost my husband to suicide in October. My Mum was ill all my life, so I have always been a "you just have to get on with it" kind of person. Right now, I wouldn't say I'm happy, I'm "OK" and just dealing with life really. I move back to my hometown in March 2014 (which was the plan already before I lost Phil) and live with my 2 dogs. I have never not lived with another person all my life so it took some getting used to. The 2 year anniversary is coming up and I guess that's why everything is on my mind again :-\ I'm at a point where I am feeing "stuck". I think more than anything I am grieving for my old life, I feel like I am the old me stuck in my new life. Pretty much all my friends are married and/or have kids, so not their fault in anyway, but I very frequently feel left out, or something I am not invited to stuff because it's a "kids day" So that's pretty hard. For the same reason I don't get out much, because my friends are home with their families.......how do you make new friends in your 30's??? I made some health changes at the beginning of the year, I go back into fitness and am making sure I am eating healthy. I also make sure I walk my dogs at least 1 hour every day as well. A couple of things that have made me feel shitty recently........during a work appraisal......."where do you see yourself in 5 years?". Me in my head "well I thought I would have my husband and probably have a couple of kids by then, that's clearly not going to happen now" combined with "I can hardly think about next month let along next week". Then I was booking a photo shoot for me and my dogs (lame I know ha!!) and as I was booking over the phone, the lady was like "oh, you can bring the rest of the family with you too if you want?" me "erm.......nope........just me". So generally, feeling a bit low, anyone else with me?

Hi all, Just found this site after reading the One Fit Widow blog. I haven't really found anywhere before where young widows can talk and it works for me, so giving this a go I lost my husband Phil suddenly in October 2013. He committed suicide but there was no prior warning of him being depressed or anything, he died just shy of a month since our 3rd wedding anniversary, we had been together since 2004. As I am getting to year 2, I feel like I have closed the chapter on dealing with the fact Phil has gone.....but I feel I am the old me stuck in this new life, and I'm stuck. I don't know what I want or where I want to be. You mostly seem to be in the UK but also hoping there are some UK people on here, would love to talk to you