Love to all the new widows(ers)

[HoldingOn]

My heart and prayers goes out to all you new to this group no one wants to be in...

 

I just passed the two year mark this weekend...but I know how hard it is the first hours/days/weeks/months/year+...and I wanted to give my support and love.

 

My husband of 17 years (together almost 20 years) completed suicide two years and  and four days ago...I recall the first weeks...and remember that unbelievable pain. I know it's hard to believe now...but since I've been thru it- I feel I can share that the pain does get manageable if you are willing to reach out and do the things it takes to manage your pain and try to heal from the sorrow.

 

What I found difficult was people giving their condolences the first weeks...my best answer now is -Thank you- he was a wonderful man and I was blessed to be his wife. (I am sure it makes my husband smile when I say that :-D- so I think of that and it helps me not break down.)  If someone asks how he died..I say that is hard for me to talk about...I'd rather tell you how he lived....and tell them how he was a mechanical genius and could fix anything.

 

There will be many cycles of shock, disbelief, guilt, pain, anger, deep yearning for them and loneliness and pure anguish?and more tears than you could ever imagine. What I?ve learned from going thru the cycles many, many times, is that, really the only way to truly heal is through it ? and to just ride the tides of grief and yes, many times it will feel like a roller coaster ride...and you will just want to get off. The tears seem never-ending- but if there was ever anything to cry about this is it- let them flow- they are there to wash away the pain...

 

This poem helped me to put grief into more perspective and understand what to expect a bit better.

 

A cut finger

is numb before it bleeds,

it bleeds before it hurts,

it hurts until it begins to heal,

it forms a scab and itches

until finally, the scab is gone

and a small scar is left

where once there was a wound.

Grief is the deepest wound

you ever had.

Like a cut finger,

it goes through stages,

and leaves a scar.

But how do you face each day until that happens?

 

What got me thru was just taking one moment at a time, remembering to eat and drink water and sleep when I could- if only in little bits. Some days you don?t want to do anything- and that?s OK! Just do what is most important even if it?s only breathing, feeding yourself and resting. Keep drinking water -(that for me was key.)

 

My schedule was all out of whack the first weeks- as my life was turned upside down. Going outside- and taking deep breathes...even if it was at 3 in the morning...listening to calming music helped me a great deal. When I did not know what to do...I would pray...when I could not even pray anymore for myself...I began to pray for others- surprisingly that made my pain lessen...

 

If someone asks what they can do- when you have a moment of clarity- make a list and let them pick what they feel they can do for you.

(i.e, mow the grass, do laundry, tidy up the house, go grocery shopping, make a meal, go with you to run an errand if you feel you should not be driving, etc.) ? people in the first weeks want to help- let them- it helps them to heal to. However, sadly they will heal and move on with their lives much more quickly then you- and the help won?t always be there- so take it when it?s offered.

 

There are many on-line groups- which are great- Widowed Village and of course Widda.org! (honestly IMO, this is the best and has been my life-line and sanity, many, many times! God Bless all the wonderful caring supportive souls here!) There are some great ones on Facebook- Grief Unspoken first comes to mind. But I've found comfort and support in many which is great because you can get support at all times of the day and night.

 

When I was ready to go out and face the world, I found grief groups thru the local hospital and churches- and on "meet-up for widows(ers)" -met some nice people who truly understood my anguish. Being able to talk openly and also shed some tears with those who were going thru the same loss was very helpful and healing most days- but sometimes I just wanted to be alone with my grief.

 

It was hard not to dwell on him being ?gone forever? but I tried to think of the positives and not let his passing destroy me...as that is not the legacy of his memory I wanted to leave.

 

I've gotten into coloring and painting which has opened a new hobby and is very calming. Also I've have found some great on-line friends thru Coloring FaceBook groups.

 

I just came across this poem last week- and it sums up how I feel about my grief now...

 

"He is Gone"

 

You can shed tears that he is gone

Or you can smile because he has lived

 

You can close your eyes and pray that he'll come back

Or you can open your eyes and see all he's left

 

Your heart can be empty because you can't see him

Or you can be full of the love you shared

 

You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday

Or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday

 

You can remember him and only that he's gone

Or you can cherish his memory and let it live on

 

You can cry and close your mind, be empty and turn your back

Or you can do what he'd want:

Smile?open your eyes?.love? and go on.

 

~David Harkins (1959 - )

 

Please reach out, I promise it will help.

Wishing you peace....and hope...

 

 

[WifeLess]

HoldingOn,

 

Thank you for the the advice and encouragement you offer newer members. All I will add is this:

 

As difficult as it may be to believe when you are newly widowed, it is possible to survive this, and things do get slowly better with time. So please hold onto hope. You are very early in your journey. You will not always feel as you do now.

 

--- WifeLess

[Jen]

(((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))))))))))))

[Aspen530]

I just wanted to thank you for taking the time to write that. I am very new to this life and your post gave me some hope that I will not always feel so alone and broken