Relationship Red Flags...FindingMyWay...

[SimiRed]

@FindingMyWay,

 

In an earlier thread, back in May, you had asked me to share some specific red flags that I dismissed when I was in an abusive relationship.

 

I am trying to reclaim myself and know who I am.  In the past few months I have come to realize a list of "red flags" that I dismissed.  This is my list, but maybe it will help others here in future relationships.

 

I am in my new home, new place with no one that I know, no friends here. I am working hard at making it a warm, loving environment for myself and my son. 

 

I am not sure yet how to overcome trust issues, I don't foresee any future relationships until I learn and heal from the past.  I know what love is, what it should be.  I learned that from my late DH. 

 

Here's my list, something I journal and something I must always keep in mind to avoid any future pain. 

 

I hope it helps, not only you, but others here as we look for a Chapter 2 that loves and respects us as we would them.

 

 

You feel on-edge around this person, but you still want them to like you. I found myself writing off most of his questionable behavior as accidental or insensitive.

 

He withheld attention and undermined my self-esteem. When we were first together, he showered me with praise and flattery. Then after time, he became antisocial and selfish. He would ensure that I was always the one to initiate contact.

 

He bombarded me with compliments, flattery, songs, and messages. He?d text me dozens, if not hundreds of times per day. I came to rely on this over-communication as a source of confidence.

 

Quickly declared me as his soul mate. Told me how much he had in common with me. With the first initial conversations, I did most of the talking and he would tell me how perfect I was for him.

 

Compared me to everyone else in his life. Ex-girlfriends (ex-wife), friends, family members, etc. He made me feel special by telling me how much better I was than these people. When devaluing me, he'd use these comparisons to hurt me.

 

Lies & excuses. There was always an excuse for everything, even things that don?t require excusing. He made up lies faster than I can question them. He always blamed others?it was never his fault. He?d spend more time rationalizing his behavior than improving it.

 

No startle response. Total absence of anxiety, fear, and worry where there otherwise should be. I viewed this as calm and cool, thinking I was over-sensitive,  because I have normal human emotions.

 

Insulting me all the time with a tormenting, joking sort of attitude. Smirked when I tried to express myself. Teasing became the primary mode of communication.  He?d belittle my intelligence and achievements. If I told him to stop tormenting, he?d call me too sensitive.

 

Always mentioned that his exes still wanted him. I guess this was his way of  making me feel jealous and give off the perception that he could find anyone anytime if I wasn?t there.

 

Exaggerated emotions while displaying none of them. He?d make statements like ?I?ve never felt so happy in my life?.  He?d say it, but body language never really showed it. I was still a moron, stupid, bit*h, or whatever ?funny? statement he made and say ?I?m just kidding?.

 

You are the only one who sees their true colors. Others think he?s the nicest person in the world, even though he used them for resources, and attention. If he fixed something for them, then they would owe him something...like the use of a tool, or anything. They don?t notice because he distracted them with shallow praise and was willing to help them out with fixing things for them. But, then he?d complain at home with how his friends and family used him.

 

Accused me of being emotional and needy, intentionally ignoring me for days, silent treatment to ?teach me a lesson?.

 

Could never put himself in my shoes, or anyone else?s for that matter. I?d find myself desperately trying to explain how he might feel if I were treating him this/that way, and he?d just stare at me blankly.  Told me to ?get over it already?.  Never allowed me to talk about my late husband, said I should be over it already.  Told me I ?don?t understand? how hard life is, I?ve never been through anything as rough as he had. He told me he ?despised? my late husband. 

 

Told me all the time how his ex or past relationships were destructive, they were crazy, I was normal.  Constantly telling me his version of events, how they hurt him or abused him. 

 

I would find myself explaining the basic elements of human respect to a full-grown man. Normal people understand the fundamental concepts of honesty and kindness. No adult should need to be told how they are making other people feel.

 

Focused on my mistakes all the time, but of course, he never made any. If he was two hours late, I would be told how I was once five minutes late to whatever we were doing. If I tried to point out something he did that was hurtful or demeaning, he would always be quick to turn the conversation back on me, it was somehow my fault.

 

Gave me the silent treatment and became very annoyed. I was trying to figure out what I did wrong. I was told to stop ?hanging on him?, he needed a break, he worked so hard all day and all I had to do was stay home. Housework and chores that I did meant nothing, I was a maid that couldn?t even do that right.

 

The ultimate hypocrite. He had extremely high expectations for respect, and adoration. After the initial hook, line and sinker phase, he gave none of this back to me.  HE insulted, belittled, name called and told me how I should do something right. I was expected to remain perfect.

 

He?d be a different person for different people?transforming his entire personality to match whoever he was around.

 

Talked about all the ?crazy? people in his past. Any ex-partner or friend who did not come crawling back to him, he labeled as jealous, an alcoholic, or some other nasty smear. I am 100% sure he is speaking about me the same way to his next target.  This hurts me to the core. I must overcome this, because I am not crazy and my silly caring about what others think worries that he is most likely now trash talking me to everyone.  He says I?m a cheater, supposedly had an affair, a nervous breakdown, etc. I am now labeled as an evil person in his eyes.  After all I gave up for him, I am now nothing.

 

I feared that any fight could be the last. Normal couples argue to resolve issues, but he didn?t, he made it clear that negative conversations would jeopardize the relationship, especially ones about the way he acted. He?d tell me to ?pack your shit and leave?, I heard this a dozen times and stupidly I?d apologize and forgive, otherwise he?d leave me, it was that fear of loss that he used against me.  He told me ?Your late DH is dead, I?m alive, he?s not, I?m the one that?s here.?

 

Gaslighting. Blatantly denied his own manipulative behavior and ignored evidence when confronted with it. He?d become angry if I attempted to disprove his delusions with facts.

 

He?d expect me to read his mind. If he stop communicating with me for several days, it was my fault for not knowing about the plans he never told me about. He made me feel like I was losing my mind, I began to wonder if there was something wrong with me.

 

Selfishness and a crippling thirst for attention. He?d drain the energy from me and consume my entire life. His demand for attention was never satisfied. Call me in the morning, at lunch, on his way home. Told me I was the only one who made him happy, but now I know that anyone with a beating pulse could fit the role. However, the truth is: no one can fill the void of his abusive soul, he just needs a playmate and a maid, someone to only fill his needs, not him fulfilling theirs, it?s a one way street.

 

My feelings didn't matter. I felt insane, exhausted, drained, shocked, lonely, and empty. I tore apart my entire life?spent money, sold my home, moved my son, lost friendships, and now searching for some sort of reason behind how I could have ever fallen for his manipulative ways.

 

 

Now, I struggle with how I will ever trust again, never be used or taken advantage of again.  Will the words of anyone else be real or just a game? 

 

Is it wrong of me to want Karma to kick his sorry butt, to teach him a lesson, to hurt him as much as he destroyed the person that I was?  And, I wanna know about it, I want to know that Karma got him.  I don't deserve to be trash talked about, I don't deserve to be made into the "crazy, destructive, psycho" category that he will put me in. 

 

How will I ever find trust again?

 

Maybe this will help others to never fall into the trap that I fell into.

 

 

[Jess]

Thank you so much for sharing all of this. I am so happy you are taking such positive steps for you and your son. I hope that what you have written here will help someone avoid the pain you had to endure.

 

[Guest sunshinedaydreamz]

You got trapped in because you are the caring adult.

He is the ultimate loser.

Not all men are like this.

The first thing should be to forgive yourself. Thank you for writing these helpful words.

 

[Sugarbell]

Wow Tracy....you were with a classic sociopath...Thank God you got out before he completely emotionally destroyed you.

 

That's a great list......When I got away from my toxic mess years ago (and he wasn't a sociopath...just an alcoholic jerky bully-but did have a conscience)....I stayed away from men for a while. Didn't even give off the "I am available" vibes and really no one bothered me. Refused to be set up by my friends because I didn't think I could handle it.

 

Basically put my broken shell of a person back together again.

 

That's not for everyone-I just wanted to make sure I never made the same mistake again.

 

Also-If a guy/girl gives you a headache early on-They aren't for you. May not be a bad person at all....but you body/nervous system is telling you they aren't right for you.

[Guest Mel4072]

Simi- you got out. That's what matters. I was in a bad relationship too, early on. Withholding affection, blaming me for things, telling me I was messed up. But we find a way out. And now, I'm with a wonderful man. And I was with a wonderful man before. We make mistakes and learn from them. Maybe a counselor could help you.

[lcoxwell]

Thank you so much for sharing this! I wish that I had had your list, back in my college days, when I became involved with someone who very much fits your description. I am so glad that you and I both got away, and I think of you often. I hope only good things will come for you, and that your new life will grow into one that makes you truly happy.

[gracelet]

Thank you so much for this.  My wife was a narcissist.  I loved her, but she was emotionally abusive and I only really started to understand that towards the end.  It's very helpful to see a list like this in black and white to remind me to tread carefully next time.

 

However, I'm so sorry that you had to go through it in order to share these lessons.

[Guest sunshinedaydreamz]

Many of the traits you've outlined fit the pattern of a controller. Almost every time they start by overwhelming a potential "victim" with praise, gifts, and the like. Once drawn in, they manipulate slowly, making everything that goes wrong, the other person's fault. Then they strip the person of dignity self worth etc.

 

Finally breaking free, many of the feelings of guilt that it was your fault will hopefully lessen, and then you will find the freedom to enjoy life again. I'm not proud to say I've met several people like this post widowed.

At the first sign, I run, the other way.

They will beg borrow and steal to get back with you, saying it will never happen again. But it is always right back to the insecurity and walking on eggshells.

I do believe people can change, but it is the one in 100,000.

They are inheritely who they are.

[Sugarbell]

They almost always wine/dine very intense....and move Fast....Before you get a chance to see thru the superficial charm And the mask falls off. It's usually fairy tale like....Just blows you away. (this is the sociopath)....

 

High school ex felon sociopath tried the superficial charm on me 2 summers ago...I didn't bite. He preyed on his next victim...and got her to marry him by the following December. Must already be having trouble because his new wife message me on FB (no we were not friends...she knew my name because she says he compares her to me and others to make her insecure and made her believe we were still involved)....He's making her crazy. He does that with all of them.

 

I jus responded "We have had absolutely no contact and he's playing you. I don't want involved".. then blocked her. Which I feel is kinda cruel but I want no part of the sociopaths game.

 

But not all bad guys are that extreme. Some just aren't compatible and some women aren't compatible, etc. No fault of either person.

 

When I started entertaining dating again.....I could usually tell before the first date whether we would be compatible. I usually didn't even go on a first date because I "knew" we weren't compatible and didn't want to lead on/cause drama/etc.

 

Some thought I was eliminating potential good guys too soon. I disagree....I knew what I wanted and didn't want to be unfair to guys and date to just date...or just to "see if they grow on me"....

 

But that was me. It's not for everyone.

[FindingMyWay]

Thank you so much!  I really appreciate you remembering and taking the time and energy to post this.  I'm sure it wasn't easy.

I am SO GLAD that you are free!

This stuff is so very helpful to all of us.

Like others have said, he doesn't represent all men.  There are more good men than bad.  He's a dick...and that's putting it lightly.

So, SO! Happy you broke free.  That took a lot of courage and strength.  Just rest and stabilize.  You are awesome

[VAGirl]

Sounds very much like a Narcissist (or Narcissistic Personality Disorder)... I have encountered one like that in my post widowhood journey as well. Just be so thankful that it is over, and while it will take a little time to heal, trust me, one of these days you will get to a place where you will look back thanking God that you were set free from that - opening yourself up for something SOOO much better! 

 

So sorry you experienced all of that, but I am glad you are no longer in that relationship and you are clearly seeing it for what it really was - you deserve much better. Hugs!!