gracelet

I wonder if she'd be happy for me, that I love and am loved. That I'm thriving and living. That my second wife wins every time, hands down. That I'm now carrying the child we wanted, but it isn't hers. I still can't help but think that her final act of suicide was one done to control me - to try to govern and define my life, to claim me as bound to her forever, as opposed to one taken to end her pain. Thinking back, I really do wonder how I fell in love with her and why, despite everything, I still do love her and miss her smell. It's been nine years.

Sending love to you all. Saw Maureen's post on FB! Dare I even look at my old Ywbb posts? I've moved so far forward from that raw pain. Wee update from me: widowed at 27 in 2013, remarried 2021, now expecting my first baby through the magic of IVF.

I just read the news. I rarely pop back here. I'm sorry for your loss. Michael and I had a great time on a trip to Amsterdam with some other wids from the board. I was just looking at photos earlier this week. Love and light to you and sorry I'm all the way across the pond in England.

It has been a very, very long time since I've been on this site. Hope there are a few lurking about who remember me. I have left the hideous stories behind me, but the grief does pop up time to time. I did a search for my old posts and came across this one. I don't remember much of what I wrote on YWBB and here. But I wanted to share that 3 and a bit years on from writing it, the woman referred to above as NG has become my fiancée and tomorrow we start looking at wedding venues. When she proposed, she quoted the poem I mentioned above. "you are the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. I will love you when you are a still day. I will love you when you are a hurricane." Immediately followed by "will you marry me?" Don't give up people. Accepting, unconditional love can find you again.

I’m really fucked off. I just need some sympathy from people who get it. I’ve been tearful all day. Apologies for swearing but that’s the way I release tension. I got a new job offer but it’s subject to health checks. I went for an health assessment with a doctor linked to the new employers this morning because of my bipolar which is a protected characteristic under equality laws over here. I also disclosed my PTSD and complex grief. She was a fucking bitch. I’ve dealt with my fair share of doctors and occupational health specialists but this woman was rude, talked over me (which is very disconcerting when you’re trying to explain something so deeply personal) and got defensive when I said I felt rushed. I also got a bit teary at one point when she made me describe what happens when I get flashbacks. She later commented I was unstable for work because I am highly emotional. HIGHLY EMOTIONAL?! Of course I’m fucking highly emotional when you force me to go to a place in my head where I remember finding the woman I promised to spend my life with hanging in the bedroom, grey, and me being fucking hysterical. It’s not like anyone is going to be insensitive enough in a work context to quiz me on my traumatic experiences. I told her that and it seemed to shut her up. I also told her that unless you’ve been through what we’ve been through, there is absolutely no way you can ever understand the complexity and that I am extremely impressive for having not only gone back to my job, but been bloody amazing at it despite my youth. Now I’m potentially badged as unfit to work at this new company after meeting this horribly rude woman for half an hour. I graduated from Oxford University, have had a highly successful career in corporate London for 9 years, working in intense situations, and the only times I’ve cried at work are when I’ve been forced to have an HR type of conversation where my wife has come up. She was just another example of a DGI who thinks you get cured from grief. It surprises me when this happens with doctors. But yeh, even medical professionals don’t get it. I cried when I came out and called my girlfriend. I cried walking down the street. I haven’t done that in YEARS. What a horrible doctor. I’ve already resigned and am working my notice period. What if this all falls through? My mind has been racing, playing through potential conversations I might have to have to sway them to make them understand that I am wonderful at my job despite my mental illness. This sucks.

I just received more good news. I interviewed for a new job and I got it! It's a step up and a step in the right direction of me moving into the tech industry which is where I ultimately want to end up. I didn't even have to blag my interview. I just prepped my socks off and was authentic, ridiculous me. ALSO, my new baby puppy arrives today. Yet I find myself crying. Wtf?!

It's been a while since I've had someone say something ridiculous. But then, there was a right asshat: I was at my maid of honour's wedding this weekend. This is a snippet of reception dinner table conversation... Girlfriend [playfully]: Grace knows all about wedding planning because she's done it before. Man I'd just met: oh, you were married before? When did you get divorced? Me: I didn't. I'm widowed. Man: I'm so sorry. Did you kill him? Me: I had a wife and, no, I didn't kill her - she killed herself. Man: oh. Girlfriend: well you're a fucking idiot. At this point I summoned the waiter to refill my glass with Bollinger... Then I drank about five more. Who the fuck asks if you've killed your husband? I should have said yes and then threatened to stab him with my posh fork.

My doctor: you're glowing. Are you in love again? Me: yes, she's wonderful Doctor: I told you your hormones would kick in (She had previously told me so when I protested, the DAY AFTER my wife had died, that I never ever wanted to be with anyone else again)

Thank you everyone. I feel like I'm winning at life again! I do sometimes tiptoe around wondering when the next blow will occur but I've learned not to let that hold me back from living life fully. I've been through hell already and none of us should apologise for having been there and come back breathing.

The YWBB veterans will recall my utter nightmare with my homophobic in laws who blamed me for my wife's suicide, cut me out of the obituary, launched a hate campaign and tried to take me to the cleaners financially. I am absolutely over the moon to update you, two and a half years later, that they finally signed the other half of my house into my name. It cost me a shit tonne but I decided that it wasn't worth the battle. I wanted to put my energy into rebuilding my life. And rebuild I have. I love my life and I love myself. My home is my home! Her things are gone, apart from a few treasured items. I have a new little sausage dog, Mildred, on the way too! The in laws stole the other dog. I have to say that while you can't replace a wife, you can sort of replace a dog (!). I've fallen in love again with a woman who accepts me flaws and all. A woman who isn't afraid to ask questions about Elle and who doesn't shudder in horror when I occasionally cry on her. In fact, the tears are very infrequent these days. She and I laugh so much. We argue like healthy couples do. We support one another. We tell one another off. It's an equal partnership - I've never had that before. I got my house valued just the other day and it was a pleasant surprise. I am readv to move on to the next place and finally I can legally do so without the mess of shitty in laws. I'm looking for a house with a garden for my little doggy and a second bedroom which will, hopefully, be for a baby one day. I am NOT glad I was widowed. I will never move on. But, I have moved forward and I would not be the confident, grounded woman I am now who is true to herself and feisty as fuck if Elle hadn't died. Why am I writing this? Because I know you guys get it and won't judge me for being happy. Thank you for that. My friends assume I'm happy through and through and have left Elle behind me. My family think I didn't love my wife enough if I'm capable of being happy now. Many of you here pulled me through my darkest times. Thank you so much. I know I only lurk here now and post every now and then, but you're very dear to me :-)

I just want to say that I am so happy for the three of you. You deserve it and all the love and happiness. xx

MrsT, Amazing! Did you do that in one sitting?! Brave woman.

The world can be a cruel place. I'm so sorry for both your losses. Breathe. Drink water. You (sadly) know the drill. Please be gentle on yourself darling.

1) Going to see Matilda the Musical tonight with my girlfriend 2) My jam packed morning of meetings wasn't too bad 3) I am going to look at some puppies this weekend to see if one is suitable to come live with me in a forever home <3

Just to let you know, you can now find colouring books of swear words. I find it hugely therapeutic and it really helps turn the anger into something more manageable. Have a look on Amazon. Cunt is not a word I use regularly, or lightly, but in this case it refers to a DGI who was disgusting to me by accusing me of driving my wife to kill herself, and then disgusting to several wids on this board who leaped to my defence I can't figure out how to post the picture in the body without it being humongous so here's a link to my artwork. I'm working on 'fuck it all' today, the eighth anniversary of the day I met my wife. https://eerilycheerily.files.wordpress.com/2016/02/img_0307.jpeg

CherrY, you might find it helpful to read something I wrote a while back about the anger I have felt at my wife. http://eerilycheerily.com/2015/02/27/get-off-the-pedestal-youre-a-fucking-bitch-wife/ She was not perfect. She cheated. She lied. I loved her. When I see her in heaven, the first thing she's getting is a slap but then hundreds of kisses. I don't feel the way I did when I wrote that post anymore. I found ways to deal with the anger. The throwing ice cubes trick is hugely therapeutic! Give it a try. I focus on me and making MY life matter now. You're not alone.

I don't cry at photos, unless I purposefully indulge in looking at hundreds of them. These days, my tears tend to be of relief that I've found happiness again, but tinged with sadness that she's not the one who makes me happy anymore.

Prayers here from the UK too. xx

I'm doing bottomless prosecco brunch with my widow bestie. We'll no doubt have to sit amongst a sea of romantic couples but at least we'll be drunk.

Do you know what? It's the simplest thing but I miss being made cups of tea.

Really helpful for me to read this. I've been struggling to find the balance so thank you for sharing your thoughts. I was on the verge of becoming a blogger for a very well known widowed site but it was the catalyst for a deep discussion with my girlfriend. She said she would find it hard that I'm constantly talking about my wife publicly. She recognises I'll always grieve, I'll always be in love, but she worries I'd get stuck and define myself as 'widow' more because of constantly writing about it. Went with my gut and decided not to do it. I want to honour our new relationship and give her, the living one that I love, my time and attention.

1) I got my haircut 2) I'm seeing widow bestie for drinks tonight 3) Work isn't a disaster today

<3 How lovely. Presents from my wids always seem to carry much more meaning to me. My widow bestie and I shall be going for a 'bottomless' prosecco brunch on Valentines day. Even though I have a girlfriend, Valentines isn't just about romantic love, it's about friendship too, in my opinion.

How beautiful. I can't say I've had any gestures quite as grand as that but I remember standing in shock in the queue for Marks and Spencers (British store) about three days after my wife died. My mum had taken me shopping for distraction. I could barely function and my face was completely awful. A lovely little Scottish lady said to me 'oh hen, I've got a 20% off voucher. You should have it. Go on' What a sweet person. It really makes a difference, these small moments of kindness.

Fuck depression and bipolar that clouds my brain and slows me down at work Fuck the shit arse woman who trolled me on Facebook last week and triggered this episode Fuck weight gain