I am a horrible person

[MrsDan]

I have plans to go to a show with the guy I've been seeing (?) talking to (?) tomorrow night. Now I'm sick. Which means in all likelihood DD will get sick. I can handle going sick. But sick kids want their moms, so if she does get sick I should cancel.

 

I'm not going to cancel. I'm going to call the friend I arranged to watch her and beg her to watch her even if she is sick. I already canceled last week on the guy because K was sick, and he bought the tickets. I never have anything to look forward to ever, and I am looking forward to this. The sadiversary is next week and I am completely overwhelmed with this move. I have not gone out in four years. I don't think I've ever had someone watch DD at night so I could do something truly for myself, and I am not counting the times I had someone watch her so I could go to a grief group. I have bought a house and moved twice to try to make a better life for her. I have taken a job that I hate and where I am constantly shit upon because I thought it would allow me to make a better life for her. I have stayed on the cross for Dan for three years because I've felt I needed to be punished for his death, and in all likelihood I still do, but I cannot take it anymore. It's making me a an impatient and frankly at times downright cruel mother. I don't know if this thing with this guy will go anywhere, but all I want at this point is one night of fun and the chance to find out. I hate myself over this though, and just needed to confess, I guess and get it out. That I love her and would do anything for her but one time, just this one time I am planning on putting myself first.

[Trying]

You are not horrible.  You are not abandoning your daughter by going out one night and you don't even know that she will be sick.  You need to take care of yourself, mind, body and spirit, in order to continue to be a good mom.  Just like on an airplane when they tell you to put the oxygen on yourself first so you can help your child, you need to be able to breath in order to sustain being a solo parent.

 

Let go of the guilt and enjoy your night out.

[Abitlost]

I am completely with Trying on this. You are in no way a horrible person; in fact, the opposite is true. Your devotion to your daughter is apparent and you deserve your own happiness. Even if she gets sick you should go out on the date and enjoy yourself guilt-free.

 

abl

[ieh21]

I'm not going to cancel. I'm going to call the friend I arranged to watch her and beg her to watch her even if she is sick.

 

AND SHE WILL SURVIVE THE ORDEAL!!!

 

You are mom, you are not infallible, you are not irreplaceable. Your daughter might not know this about you yet, but she needs to and will find out. Other people can cuddle her when she's sick and offer her the help she needs. Mom isn't the be-all-end-all of love and support and help.

 

You are making the right decision. Kids get sick all the time, so if you put your life on hold because of this, your life will be on hold for a good number of years yet. You deserve better. It is very hard to come off the cross and to start to allow ourselves to live again. But we have to. we have to because our spouses lost their own lives and would kick us in the butt if they could tell that we aren't taking full advantage of what they've been stripped of. Don't know if that is clear?

 

Bottom line: go out, be merry, have fun. Your child will not hold it against you, nor should you. And no going out feeling guilty the entire time, checking the phone to make sure there isn't a snotty nose emergency. There isn't. I promise. Give your friend free reign to deal with whatever comes up. She'll find the Vaporub, I'm sure she will.

[MrsDan]

Well, I went. More great conversation, and the show was great too.