Trying

I’ve really been missing the support and connection this board used to bring me and it’s a bit sad to me that it doesn’t seem active anymore. I’m not sure if anyone is around anymore but I’m feeling the need to share. Old timers here might remember I remarried 4 years after Tim died. My older sons were going through some challenging times, my circle of friends kept getting smaller and I clung to the first guy to give me love and attention. We were married for 5 years and while it was not all bad the negatives definitely out weighed the positives and I finally got up the nerve to divorce him and move forward. I’ve been spending a lot of time and effort with therapy, exploring my own interests and traveling some. My youngest is now in college and this is the first time in my adult life I can really focus on me. It’s been exhilarating! But it has also brought back some grief issues with the 10 year anniversary of losing Tim coming in September. Feeling more like a widow than a divorcee led me to reach out to a young widow/er support group I was a part of years ago. Fast forward and I have met a widower and we have been dating. I have tried to be cautious because he is just approaching the one year anniversary of his wife’s passing. I want to be sure he’s not turning to me to escape dealing with his grief. So far we have been able to have some wry open and emotional conversations around his grief and we seem to be able to pivot back and forth from me being a friend/grief support to a romantic partner often in the same conversation. He seems very open and healthy in his expression of his grief and sharing about his loving marriage. It’s also nice for me to be able to talk about Tim, some of the challenges my boys and I have faced and the successes they are having now. I continue to feel cautious about his timeline but when we are together it’s difficult to hold back opening my heart to him and his to me. I also question my own judgment because of the failed marriage. Yes I’m in a very different place now but it is very soon after my divorce. No one in my close circle understands the mind and heart of a widow. It’s hard to explain that being with someone who can speak so lovingly about his late wife makes me feel safe and secure about the type of man he is. Thanks for listening and sharing any insights.

His name was Tim. It’s been 9 years. We were married for 20 years, together for 25.

1. Never say “let me know if you need anything”. Offer specific things you can do such as “I go grocery shopping every Sunday and can shop for you, I will text you Saturday for a list”. “I would like to make you dinner, is Tuesday or Thursday better? I can leave it on your front step or stop for a hug, your choice”. 2. Keep reaching out and never expect a response 3. Never say “I know how you feel, my dog/grandma/favorite uncle died”. Instead, acknowledge each person’s unique grief 4. Listen without judgement and don’t offer advice unless specifically asked 5. say the name of the person they lost and listen to the same story for the 10th time like you’ve never heard it before 6. Don’t stop a grieving person in the produce aisle of the grocery store and ask “how are you REALLY doing?” Just say hello and follow their lead.

Congratulations and best wishes!

Looking back at these old posts and so much has changed yet so much is the same. My youngest son just graduated high school and is headed to college next month. The night of his graduation we had limited tickets. My mother and late husband’s mother were supposed to sit with me and middle son (oldest son couldn’t get off work) while current husband and my 2 step sons were watching remotely in the school auditorium. Middle son got stuck in traffic and didn’t make it until the end, my mom and MIL couldn’t handle the bleacher seats and ended up sitting together in folding chairs in the back. There I sat, completely alone, watching my son graduating and feeling completely alone. Being alone was obvious when my older 2 graduated 9 months and 2 1/2 years after DH died, awful but obvious. No one even acknowledged that I was sitting all alone. I may be remarried but not having my son’s Dad next to me at graduation was still incredibly difficult.

I’m so happy this site is back up and it’s great to see so many familiar names! I was widowed in 2013 when my boys were 17, 15 and 9. I remarried in 2017 and have 2 bonus sons ages 11 and 13. There have been some really tough times and some really beautiful times in this journey. My oldest son finally got the help he needed to deal with his anger and depression which lead to alcohol abuse. He is doing great now. My middle son is engaged to the most wonderful girl and my youngest graduated high school and is headed to college next month. I miss him when things are hard and I miss him during happy milestones for our boys. I have a good life and so much to be grateful for but it’s not the life I thought I’d have.

So tragic, there are no words. My prayers for her and this family.

Congratulations and thanks for coming back to share!

RobFTC I'm so sorry to hear about your friend's diagnosis. I understand completely how hard it is to not give into fearing the worst. We have unfortunately learned that bad things can happen to good people.

Thank you all. The memorial was difficult as expected. An old friend who moved away and I haven't seen for over a decade came back for the memorial. He had not been able to come back when Tim died (he was in our wedding as well as the friend who passed) so we had a lot of grief and memories to slog through. After the service he and I went to a bar/restaurant we all,used to hang out at when we were first married and lived in a different town than we do now. The memories came flooding back and it was tough but also comforting to be with someone who was with us when our life together began. Some days I feel so detached from who I was so it was nice to remember and feel that connection. yes I have remarried and am happy for the most part but I miss having the one person who was there for 25 years of memories. The one person who would understand.

I struggled with this a bit, I have 3 sons and the connection to them is importan. I remarried an ultimately decided to make late husband's last name my middle name and took new husbands last name as mine. Professionally it's taking time to make the switch and so many things are still in my old name because it's a real pain in the ass. My youngest is a freshman in high school and I will always be Mrs C to his friends.

I’m so sorry for your loss. It seems so cruel to have to go through so much red tape and legal crap while grieving. A good lawyer should ease some of the burden but going through the personal possessions is always difficult. My heart goes out to you.

I haven’t checked the board ina while so I am just hearing this sad news. I am so very sorry for your loss, my heart is with you

Today he would've been 51 but he only made it to 45. Last night we lost a dear friend. He was Tim's friend from highschool and my friend from college. He introduced us in 1998. Of course he was trying to fix Tim up with my roommate not me., lol, Tim brought another friend with him who ended up marrying my roommate. He was Godfather to our youngest. I can't help but hope there is some form of after life and that Tim was there to welcome him and they are together today for Tims birthday. How am I supposed to make it through this friends wake and funeral without Tim by my side to share the pain and the endless memories of our time together? There is a never ending supply of important events both happy and sad that he is not here by my side for and it pisses me off. He should be here to go through this with me.

Needytoo I hope Christmas Day was better. It's heartbreaking to feel so torn and I'm sorry your son is not able to be accepting of your relationship. You may remember my kids had a very hard time initially, the older two were late teens when my chapter 2 relationship started. My middle son was the last to come around but we are finally there. It was so painful to not have his support, to put up with the tension and to feel guilty that I was causing him pain too. I can't tell you to not be hurt, I know it hurts. I hope it gets better soon.

Lots of turning 50! Mine is in April. We are doing Spring Break in Key West with my youngest and his 2 right before my birthday. He turns 50 in October and we will plan a "just us" long weekend away. I'm much more about shared experiences than material gifts these days but still feel pressure at Christmas to have presents wrapped under the tree.

Congratulations Leadfeather!

Reading this thread from "the other side" as someone who remarried and blended last year. The concerns are valid with blended families. We have had some difficult adjustments to make and it's not all rainbows and sunshine. I have moments when I wonder if I made the right decision. When he gets annoyed with my 20 year old for being, well, a 20 year old (he is moving out on his own next month so that will help). When his ex is full on crazy and many trips back to court over custody and money. When our ideas about how to run a household clash. Holiday traditions. Division of chores. My frustration about lack of control in parenting decisions with his kids. Money. But there is love, and intimacy, having someone to come home to and wake up to, having that one person who knows everything about you and loves you any way, someone to set the mousetraps and do the heavy lifting, someone to eat dinner with and discuss your day with, and someone to plan the future with. I wish you all the best in this journey. So many moving parts to consider and knowing that no decision will ever feel perfect.

So happy your youngest is joining you! I hope this is the beginning of warm and wonderful holidays for you!

My conversation would go something like this " I'm very sorry that you did not grow up with warm family traditions during the holidays because of your father's preferences. This is something I have missed in my life and I would love to start some new traditions with you if you are interested. If you don't feel comfortable joining me at NGs family holiday I understand. Let's do a lovely Christmas brunch together at 10:00 am and exchange small gifts." you deserve a warm holiday and I hope they come around but if they choose to continue to not embrace holidays it shouldn't stop you.

I have always been like you, bending over backwards to keep everyone else happy and it is just plain exhausting. You have done so much to foster this relationship between your son and his grandmother, my guess is that if your husband was alive she's would have even less time with him because you would be focused on family time and your DH would've set the limits. Try to do only what you are comfortable with and continue to invite her to come see you sometimes. Then it's up to her. You have NOTHING to feel guilty about.

If a man has success 1 out of every 10 attempts he will think his odds are pretty good and keep "playin". As long as there are women who go for that crap, the creeps will keep creeping. There are good men out there even though it might feel like looking for the needle in a haystack.

Congratulations! I hope you find the respect and satisfaction you deserve in this new job!

Redhed I am so sorry you are having to deal with the pain of the end of this relationship. Aside from agreeing with the others about counseling I don't have any sage advice, just wanted to say I'm glad you're here and hope you find it to be as supportive as I have.

I'm very sorry to hear about your friend Serpico. I hope his end is quick and painless as his family does.