The Struggle for Identity is the Struggle for Survival

[Guest TheOtherHalf]

I am still here because I have been able to choose not to be defined by the definitions of others.  To the level of discrimination and harassment I have endured, I have matched with resolve to overcome. I have overcome staggering odds to get where I am, and while I may seem bedraggled, I am determined to act upon every opportunity available to me, to define myself.

 

That includes whatever opportunities avail themselves by formally joining the new found clan, taking advantage of genealogy links, and DNA testing, as well as getting to know the family.

 

Perhaps I hail from somewhat less distinguished stock, but perhaps not. There's a strong case for an Ulster Scots direct ancestry for myself, represented by my great grandfather and my grandmother, and of course, my mother, who told me that her grandfather immigrated to Canada from Ireland, but to Ireland from Scotland. Members of the family who ended up in Ireland from Scotland were known as Ulster Scots, and a clan member is one of two of the original founders of the Ulster Scots..

 

I can be defined by an amazing family heritage, and if I play my cards right, if I join the right clubs by providing the rights as well as the accomplishment to show for the name - you have a shot at getting your foot in the door.

 

So far I don't see any impediment with respect to bringing it all the table, whatever they require from genealogy links to dna, to offering my fitness routine, which is trademarked as evidence of accomplishment, along with 50 success stories in the first year.

 

It's been hard to be recognized for my accomplishments because my phobias prevented me from attending school, holding down a job, and my attention span was so mess with I couldn't focus on online courses. I was ridiculously easily overstimulated for a long time.

 

But there are many things that I taught myself, just out of the sheer joy of experiencing whatever it was I was learning - like the experience of music flowing from my finger tips the very first time my left hand and right hand coordinated together to play Vincent's Starry Starry Night on the piano. And how fast the guitar came to me, and how it was easier to pull music out of the air as my fingers danced over the strings - within hours of picking it up. My aunt did that too. There's a strong streak of music in the family.

 

Then there's this method of dancing which includes weights, stretches, aerobics, along with a completely painless transformation inside and out as your body discovers how easy this is to do.

 

I'm ready to bring it to beta as of January. This is not a recruitment or an advertisement, just saying I'm ready to go to the wire, and put this thing to the test once and for all.

 

If I hit even half my goal of success stories in the first year, I will be able to demonstrate to Harvard University no  less, the beginning of statistical significance with respect to health and fitness programs and their efficacy.

 

Everything I am saying here is in utter defiance of everything that everyone tries to tell me I am, or everyone who tries to tell me what I should be doing and everyone who feels some sense of ownership over my life, and my reputation.

 

What I'm grappling here with, is that any secret undermining of myself by others is the work of people who don't feel they can compete honestly, and so try to hide their tracks whilst leaving their mark at the same time. What I am coming to appreciate as a result of this, is the growing sense that I have nothing to fear, not even death. I'm not there yet, but it's a growing sense.

 

I think another reason I came back here is because I am grieving again.

 

When we first lost our spouses, we all felt we lost our innocence. I sure felt that way, and I never even knew that I had even more innocence to lose until very recently. It's been a bit depressing, taking this deeper look into our collective psyches, knowing we all share, unknowingly, in a legacy as hellish as it is noble - the truth of this has gone to the core of me, and so I really just wanted to take to my bed and gently expire.

 

And I'm not ruling that out yet, but before I go, I want to see who I am enacted in the world outside this house. To reconnect with people as well as history. A whole army of people who are mine and with whom I share no history except blood and a minor share in the legacy of our illustrious forefathers. A whole army of second chances at friendship, family, and belonging.

 

And a chance to be defined by helping others while doing what I love, while surrounding myself by love.

 

I've been pausing before diving in. I'm glad I've taken a very  long step back and took a long time to understand what these connections really mean to me.

 

I definitely think all this might compensate for the lack of a university degree.

[Guest TalksToAngels]

I can so relate to learning an instrument. I picked up an old kazoo, and within minutes was able to recite Mozarts 6th symphony in g minor.

[Guest TheOtherHalf]

It takes a lot of hot air to play the kazoo. Thanks for sharing some of that hot air with me. I'm going to crack a winda now.

[Guest TalksToAngels]

Yes and always remember to put mint leaves, in your julip ; )

[Guest TheOtherHalf]

Always remember to put mint leaves in your julep. That's Julep.

 

I was thinking about this today. I don't know why there's such a double standard. Some can post of deeds or accomplishments and be acknowledged or congratulated, whereas someone else like myself, gets mint julep in my eye.

 

I guess it doesn't matter. Just because you can bang out a spit splattering kazoo concerto, doesn't mean I can't do all the things I mentioned and more. I was mostly putting it out here to balance all the BS that is said about me.

 

But I realize I don't really need to be acknowledged or even recognized for anything that I've accomplished or contributed. Because these are all really positive experiences and no one, kazoo or no, can take your experience away from you.

 

I think I also wanted to remind myself how close I came to believing that I was absolutely worthless, just because that's what others would have me believe.

 

I may not have much to contribute here, but I thought I'd give it a shot.

 

Take care. And enjoy ye mint juleps while ye may.

[Guest TalksToAngels]

I Shalt.

Ye Too.

[Guest TheOtherHalf]

Ha ha. And the mint reference was appreciatively noted. Of all the things, you chose mint.

 

Well, carry on then.