The mind of my brilliant underachieving kid

[Sugarbell]

My old soul now 13 year old. Won't crack a book...makes all As to keep me off his back...and I worry constantly about this kid.

 

He forgets his homework, tests to study for, etc...But completely does all "adult man" tasks in this house. I have never taught him...he just watches neighbors, whomever and remembers how to do it.

 

So tonight...out of the blue....he's looking out in space then looks at me and says "Dads last car was a Black Impala...and his last phone was a Nokita N95".

 

Uh...how do you know that? His last company car was black and he only had it for a month...but I have no idea what kind it was"

 

My kid "An impala...and the phone a Nokita N95. I don't know how I remember that but I do"

 

His Dad died in 2007...he was 4. I have no clue what kind of phone he had...but I bet my kid is right.

 

This is why we are moving...He's the one I need help raising ...it takes 3 adults to keep up with his mind...and I am scared to death I will screw him up.

 

Solo parenting sucks. He needs his Dad. His Dad had his mind...NG, my brother, my parents we all try to stay on top of him...but he outsmarts us all.

 

His Dad got him...even at 4...they connected...it's how my son knew his Dad was dead.

 

He should be here....even if we were no longer married...or whatever (hypothetical) he understood our son.

 

Damn

 

 

[Guest TheOtherHalf]

Hey there - just very tentatively offering something as a non mother who could never know the half of what you must go through with respect to raising children, one of whom is a chip of the old block, by the looks of it.

 

Is it possible to be clearer about what it means to be an under achiever? Because it sounds like he actually works pretty hard, but he likes work that keeps him grounded and focused. Maybe that work isn't in the "achievement" curriculum, but maybe it should be?

 

Maybe if you understand what brings him into contact with himself, like the work he likes, and memories of his dad, you can start to form a connection to him that feels a little stronger than the one you have now - as you feel at this time, unable to fathom what makes him tick, and this may mean that you could lose him forever, like you lost Ben.

 

I'm kind of curious as to what work he sees himself doing in future? If he has a handle on that, and if the work he does now looks like some kind of foundation for the future, maybe it's possible to connect with him from that point and see where it goes from there.

 

Don't worry. I won't be butthurt if you can't use this one. 

[Guaruj]

Uh...how do you know that? His last company car was black and he only had it for a month...but I have no idea what kind it was"

 

My kid "An impala...and the phone a Nokita N95. I don't know how I remember that but I do"

 

His Dad died in 2007...he was 4. I have no clue what kind of phone he had...but I bet my kid is right.

 

He sounds like someone with a photographic memory. He can clearly visualize his father's car and cell phone from his memories as a 4-year-old. He probably later saw these items pictured in a magazine or on a website and said to himself "Oh, that's Dad's car". If you have any family pictures containing the car or the cell phone, they probably reinforced your son's memory.

[SimiRed]

Sugarbell,

 

My son has a photographic memory like his Dad did.  Yes, it's very hard to keep "one step" ahead of them!  He remembers details like you mentioned about your son. 

 

He's the same way with homework and studying.  Can get all A's without reviewing anything.

 

Trust me, you won't "screw him up".  He will challenge you on many things!  Parenting is very difficult since they remember every word you say and then pull those words out of their back pocket months later when you are trying to discipline and he will "remind" you of what you said on blah, blah, blah day.  Frustrating and makes you stand there dumbfounded with no response!

 

Of course, there are many times that I needed my late DH, since he would be much better at understanding how my son's mind works.  I just have to do the best I can...and try to keep "one step" ahead of him!

[Torn]

He's a over achiever & hasn't or can't place a value on 'school' yet.

  I agree he does sound to have a photographic memory & a built in common since.

 

  Ya know if its possible, consider getting him access to things outside of school that could add to his intelligence

[Sugarbell]

Thank you all.

 

Yes he's an overachiever at things he wants to do. Changing air filters, cleaning gutters, mowing, weed eating...anything mechanical the breaks in the house-he's on it and it's fixed. I don't even have to ask. But household cleaning-laundry-forget it...his room is a mess and has never cleaned a kitchen.

 

Up until this year (he's in 7th grade at high school) his teachers have challenged him...So he was sorta excited for school. Now he's absolutely bored outta his mind...forgets simple things (like bringing a permission slip home etc). He still makes all As...but his motivation is gone. I guess it frustrates me as a Mom because his brother and sister don't have nearly his academic ability...And they study every night...read books, etc. They may all As but it's tough for them. But he just doesn't care...he would rather year apart a machine or something.

 

I have always felt like my younger 2...I was Mom...I was raising them....my oldest...since he was a toddler...at times took charge and was raising us (not literally-I still ground him make the rules..but he's always been like an adult equal...Even to the neighbors..since he was 5 or 6 he would hang out with the neighbor men and talk like an adult.

 

My Dad is 81...He goes with my Dad to his coffee table and talks to all the retired men like he's there equal. And within 10 minutes they are treating him as an equal.

 

And so now...he's a teenager...bull headed when he thinks something is dumb to do...then we go at it.

 

Man SimiRed...sounds like my son. My boy is very high maintenance and at times exhausting. It seems like 75 percent of my time is spent on him...the younger 2 get about 25 percent.

[Guaruj]

Let me start with my usual disclaimer: I don't have any children of my own. All I can offer is memories of my own teenage years.

 

Changing air filters, cleaning gutters, mowing, weed eating...anything mechanical the breaks in the house-he's on it and it's fixed. I don't even have to ask.

 

Seriously, he does all that? Most parents wouldn't trust a 13-year-old to do half that stuff. I didn't learn how to use a lawnmower until I was 14. I bet a lot of parents here would be thrilled to have a child who does those chores.

 

But household cleaning-laundry-forget it...his room is a mess and has never cleaned a kitchen.

 

Most of this is a matter of forming good habits. I actually like doing laundry myself, because machines perform the actual work. As far as cleaning the kitchen, the most I was asked to do was unload the dishwasher.

 

He still makes all As...but his motivation is gone. I guess it frustrates me as a Mom because his brother and sister don't have nearly his academic ability...And they study every night...read books, etc. They may all As but it's tough for them. But he just doesn't care...he would rather year apart a machine or something.

 

Has he taken any computer programming classes yet? Given his interest in machines, he might find it stimulating to write code. He sounds like he would have an aptitude for it. See if his school has any classes where he can learn Python or Java. (Of course, I'm recommending this because that's what I do for a living )

[Sugarbell]

Yes. He does all of that and has for a few years. (I never asked him to). I know it's not age appropriate...I have an 11 year old who has no interest and will probably never do it. It sounds totally inappropriate...but if you met him you would get it.

 

Not into much computer stuff...doesn't play video games (that's the 11 yr old)

 

Has never played with toys...like ever...my other son always has.

 

But with school work....will find anything to do except schoolwork