Completely and utterly devastated at the moment

[lcoxwell]

Exactly two years ago today, my Kenneth came home from the hospital for the very last time and we began to make the preparations for him to die at home. In the early days, I posted memories of that final week on the old YWBB site, so I wouldn't forget some of the details. I was traumatized beyond words, when they shut down with almost no warning, right before the one year anniversary last year and had to scramble to save some of the posts. I didn't have time to save everything.

 

It has been a while, but tonight I felt the need to look back on some of those early posts. I wanted to remember some of those details. I needed to relive some of the memories from that day, which leads to why I am currently a complete mess of uncontrollable tears and why I am completely and utterly devastated.....

 

The files are gone! When my computer was updated a few months ago, they must have been accidentally erased. I thought I had them backed up in a number of places, but they are nowhere to be found. I have checked Google Drive, every thumb drive I own, and all my online backup places. Nothing! I am sure they were saved somewhere, but I have no idea where, and I cannot find them. With YWBB being completely inaccessible, it isn't like I can go back there and copy them all over again. And since I had my stroke last May, many of my memories are somewhat muddled, so there are details that I cannot access without having the written record to help me remember. I feel like I have lost Kenneth all over again, and I am grieving harder than I have in a very long time. I would give anything in this world to have those memories back.  :'(

[SoVerySad]

Oh, L, I am so sorry. I would feel so devastated as well. I'm hoping you will still find those files backed up somewhere, but that doesn't help you now when you really wanted to spend time with those memories.

 

I remember when you made those posts, crying my way through them. I wish I could remember the details you shared, but I don't. What I do remember is my thoughts reading those posts. I thought what a wonderful, loving wife you were. You supported Kenneth's choice, although I'm sure there was a part of you that didn't want to let him go. You made sure he felt completely loved, supported, dignified, and appreciated until his last breath. I remember being amazed at the strength you found within yourself and the selflessness with which you allowed him to die on his own terms. Finally, I remember thinking that we all should be so blessed to leave this life beautifully surrounded in love the way your Kenneth did.

 

I'm sending you my love and so many hugs.

[SimiRed]

lcoxwell.... UGH, my heart breaks for you!  Many, many hugs!  I'm sure you have done everything you can to find your files!  Did you upgrade the operating system?  Do you remember how you saved the files?  As a word doc or text document?  You can run a search on your computer for "*.doc*" that will bring up every word document you have, or if you saved it as text, do a search on "*.txt*" that should show you all documents that are saved as text files.  If you are not sure how to run a search on all the files on your computer, PM me and I'll give you detailed instructions. 

 

{{{HUGS}}}  I'm frustrated for you!

[Guest TalksToAngels]

Press start, search, in the box type whatever header you may have used ie Ywbb.

Kenneth, etc.

It may have just moved in locations.

Try files, desktop, or saved.

 

Hoping fur you.

[lcoxwell]

I remember when you made those posts, crying my way through them. I wish I could remember the details you shared, but I don't. What I do remember is my thoughts reading those posts. I thought what a wonderful, loving wife you were. You supported Kenneth's choice, although I'm sure there was a part of you that didn't want to let him go. You made sure he felt completely loved, supported, dignified, and appreciated until his last breath. I remember being amazed at the strength you found within yourself and the selflessness with which you allowed him to die on his own terms. Finally, I remember thinking that we all should be so blessed to leave this life beautifully surrounded in love the way your Kenneth did.

 

Truly, at this moment, I have no words to tell you what this means to me. I have read through it several times, and the tears are just quietly trickling down my cheeks. It seems to insignificant to say this, but thank you. I needed to read this today.