SoVerySad

Yes, the disappearing was my experience too. I could never say how much finding this group helped me get through days I just as well would not have. The fact that I have also developed full friendships with some people from here has been an added blessing. I truly detest that any of you have need to join here. Each new member breaks my heart, because I know it is another person deeply hurting beyond what they ever imagined they could. I am humbled by the ability of the members here to embrace and lift up other wids when they can barely keep themselves going. Widowhood is so dark, but there is light to be found and shared here. Essential light.

Thank you for the good wishes. Unfortunately, our date didn't happen today. He is very sick. I could hear over the past few days that a cough he had was getting worse. So I asked him to stay home and rest today and to consider getting it checked. He has pneumonia and spent the day getting iv antibiotics. So we will reschedule once he's feeling better. From all I've seen and heard so far, he is worth waiting for. I just hope he quickly recovers, so he is feeling better.

I am sending each of you a tight hug. I remember that pain so well, and how I didn't think I could stand another minute. I just wanted to be back with him. Next month will be 4 years since he died. I am finally to a place where I can share that it has gotten lighter for me. I never thought it would. I still miss him, always will. But you do reach a lighter place where you start to look forward to what is coming vs dread it because your spouse can't be with you. I know that doesn't help lessen our pain any now, but I hope it will give you hope to hold onto. At your stage, I was just pushing through one day, sometimes one hour, at a time. It is excruciating. More hugs...

Thank you all. It is a good place to be. I have told people that for me it hasn't gotten better or easier really, it just has gotten lighter. Lighter both in less heavy and less dark. As it has gotten lighter, I've been able to finally get my feet under me again. I've also been able to let go of some of the mourning and embrace the good memories. With less mourning has come more room for good memories. I sill have days that hurt a lot. I imagine I always will.

It sounds really lovely. Hopefully it went well for you. I am still hoping to get one someday. Hugs!!

Those who have been here for a while might be surprised to see me here. I was sure I was never, ever going to be interested in another man or relationship. It has taken me quite a while to get to this point (my T will be gone 4 years next month), but I have my first date post-widowhood coming up on Tuesday. I am excited and nervous at the same time. My husband and I started dating when I was 16 and we were together for 30 years. So, I don't have much experience with dating, clearly. Although it is our first date, we have been texting/talking a lot daily for a couple of weeks now. It has been a complete surprise to both of us how comfortable we are talking to each other. I am enjoying it more than I can say. Counseling has definitely helped me get to this place. I don't think I would be ready to have another relationship if not for the counseling. It has really helped me to accept that T is no longer able to be here, but I am still here and deserve to be happy again. It feels really good. We laugh so much. My daughter told me the other day that she heard me laughing on the phone and she hasn't heard me laugh like that since her dad died. She said it is really good to hear. Both kids are supportive, but it remains to be seen how they will react to actually see us together. They are 17 & 18. He also has a 16 year old daughter. As we've been talking, I have noticed old pieces of me coming back. I thought they were totally gone, but not all are. I am always going to be a different person than I was before T died, but I'm finally hopeful I'll be happy again. I have no idea where this relationship may go and I'm actually comfortable with that. We're just going to see where it goes. I'm just enjoying it, trying not to overthink it as I often do. The best part is I haven't felt any guilt. I haven't done any comparing between T and this man. It has taken me a long time to reach this point, but I'm glad I am here. I appreciate the support and encouragement from my friends here. I've always hoped to at some point be able to change my username. I may actually be able to.

I can see why you are frustrated. It does seem like you should be able to proceed if you understand the risks. Please, if you aren't able to donate your kidney, it won't be your fault. It will be the strict guidelines. I've been dieting. One thing that has helped me is staying in my room as much as I can, instead of downstairs where the kitchen is. Then I'm not as tempted to get a snack. Tight hugs!!

Lovely... thank you for sharing it. I wish the same for you.

Thank you. Happy New Year to you as well. I join you in wishing everyone here as much joy as you can find in 2017.

It was beautiful! Thank you for sharing it with me.

My apologies if this has been posted before. The holidays seem so different now without my husband's larger than life presence. This struck me several times over the past two weeks. This song's lyrics capture how I've been feeling. You should be here for events big and small, Baby. I'm making the most I can of my life without you, but this feeling that you should be here never leaves me. I don't think it ever will. I'm fine with that. I still love you, T!

Congratulations, Trying!! It is so nice to hear that all your boys are on board with you getting married. Wishing you much happiness!!

Thank you all for the hugs and condolences. I appreciate it. I talked with my counselor about this today. She pointed out all the ways losing my father differed from losing Terry suddenly and unexpectedly. It made a lot of sense. She thinks I'm responding appropriately.

My father died in the early hours of Thanksgiving. I was raised from the age of 1 by his parents, but continued a relationship with him. He lived out of state. I thought it was strange (and hurtful) that he didn't come to see me or attend the memorial service after my husband died. I found out a few days later, it was because he had been diagnosed with bladder cancer. It was Stage 4 when it was found. He underwent chemo and radiation a couple of times and this summer had been found to be cancer free. He had other medical issues as well. Unfortunately, he had a bad reaction to a new medication he was started on recently, which caused kidney failure and it all went downhill from there. I was able to visit him for a short time the Sunday before he died. He had just made the decision to go home on Hospice, which I fully supported. It was very hard to leave, realizing that it may well be the last time I would see him. I didn't expect him to pass away so quickly. I feel strangely calm since learning he died. Part of this is because his quality of life had really diminished over the past couple of years. I think some of my friends and family are concerned that I am too calm. I don't think I'm avoiding my feelings as I have thought about it quite a bit. I just think that grief is kind of a default state of being for me now, if that makes sense. I've learned to live with it. It doesn't hurt less. I've just become accustomed to the feelings. They are familiar for me now. Anyone else experience something similar?

I can relate well to feeling terrified. I have found it really important to not look ahead too far. You'll be doing it from where you are now, so of course it feels terrifying. But in the future, you likely will feel stronger than you feel now. You'll have adjusted to handling things on your own - things you never thought you could. It is really important to focus on where you are at right now. Making it through each day, taking care of yourself and your children. When my mind would wander to the future and the fear would set in, I literally had to say to myself, "No, you are not going there right now. You don't have the extra energy to worry about things in the future." As far as friends, that is a really hard adjustment, especially if your spouse was your best friend. To not have his/her support when you are going through something so monumental is very difficult. Then you feel your friends backing off and it makes it worse. Some relationships may continue and others may fall away. I have found I've made new friendships I really treasure. It is completely normal to feel like you no longer fit in. You do fit in here, though, so remember we are here for you. Feel free to PM me anytime if you need an extra listening ear. Tight hugs...