My 11 yr old nephew rejected by his father

[ThalginsLuv]

My younger brother and I have ALWAYS been close but now I just don't know who he is. He married young, to a psycho (CC) and had 2 children with her. My husband and I supported him through an ugly divorce and helped him with his children. My niece is  now in first grade and my nephew will be 12 soon. The nephew (DN) has mental issues and basically has a much more severe form of bi-polar and other disorders. DN has reached his maturity level and my brother has full custody of him since CC is unfit. However CC still gets visitations with DN and she fills DN with so much negativity that by the time DN comes home he is ready to explode.

 

My brother decided to RUSH into another marriage with psycho 2 (the princess) 5 months after his divorce was final from CC. They met, "fell in love", eloped and THEN decided to move in together to create a blended family. She has a boy and girl who are both now teens and both still mama's babies. Brother and princess have been together for 3 years now and guess what ... things aren't working... well duh! Her son didn't like the arrangement (plus he has his own issues- possible OCD) and moved out to live with his dad 18 months ago.  Now my DN and him didn't get along and I know my DN caused some of the issues. However Princess can't handle that her son is flourishing with his father. She blames my DN and has never let him live it down. I know my DN can be violent and he needs a lot of attention but he responds well to routine and established authority. Unfortunately his mom (CC) has encourage my DN to be mean and aggressive to his step mom, princess. However princess KNEW DN issues before she married my brother and she KNEW how bad CC was. All princess really needs to do is to be aggressive BACK to my DN and establish authority and demand respect. Instead she would rather play the victim and make my brother feel guilty.

 

When my husband was alive we discussed many times about having my DN move in. We were willing to take him issues and all. The difference is that both my husband and I  taught my DN  early on that we would NOT tolerate ANY of his violent behavior. Our job as his aunt and uncle (and parents ourselves) was to do 3 things : #1, teach our kids to be smart, #2 teach our kids to be strong, #3 teach our kids to be safe. We taught him that if WE allowed him to be violent then WE were not doing our jobs right and WE would immediately call the police to come help US do our job. If that meant the police came to take him away then WE would let that happen. There is no doubt in my DN mind that I would call the police if I needed to. He knows all the fun things in our house is earned and he is encouraged to be himself. But he has just as many responsibilities as the rest of us. Even now with my husband gone and with the baby he STILL respects our rules. He tells me all the time that he wish he could have lived with us when my husband was alive and how he would still like to live with me now.

 

However princess refuses to establish authority. She says (in front of him) how afraid she is of him and how she doesn't want him in HER house. She really over reacts whenever my DN is near her. For example my DN walked into the kitchen to get a cup of water and she hurried out of the kitchen frighten like to get away from my DN. I have witnessed this. DN was only getting water, he was happy, not mad or anything but she rushed away from him anyway and DN noticed this too. This increased tension between my DN and my brother. DN sees princess as the reason why he can't have his father's attention which causes more problems. My DN has had to stay at my house or my mothers house because princess didn't want him home. So my DN behavior escalated and he ended up in a home/ hospital designed for children like him. Mind you we didn't have these issues when he was with me or my mothers house, just when he went home.  I am glad he went to the hospital because we learned so much about his condition along with him learning coping skills. DN has been there since 12/23/2014.

 

My brother took this as a vacation from his son and a way to appease princess more. Brother even got baptized in HER religion (even when he told me he didn't believe in her religion) to save their marriage. Then the hospital at one point said they wanted to send DN home because he was doing so well and they had his meds regulated. My brother then says he can't bring DN home because princess will leave him and that he was thinking of going to visit DN at the hospital in hopes of causing my DN to have an "episode" so the hospital would keep him longer! WTF!!!!!!!!

 

Now a few weeks later my nephew has been released but my brother will not allow him to come home! This child is at my mother's again! My mother lives in a tiny 1 bedroom place in a SENIOR ONLY community! She can get evicted for having my nephew live with her. I am so angry at this. Then my brother says he is looking for a place to move because he and princess are temporarily splitting up but not to worry because the CHURCH is helping them because they know my nephew is the reason for the marital troubles.  AGGGGHHH! I hope he divorces, I hope he can be a real father to his son again. I am so mad at how he BLAMES my DN for ALL of his marital problems. God I wish I had the ability to take my DN full time and give him a sense of stability. I know that if my husband were alive we would take my DN legally and tell my brother and his princess to "F" off!

[anniegirl]

A difficult situation and I understand your frustration and anger.

 

I have a nephew (young adult now) who was not parented well and my LH and I talked about trying to convince my sister to give us custody of him because she really didn't want him.

 

My nephew ended up being able to go and live with his father, who was a good guy but not really up to the discipline end of parenting. But I wonder often if LH and I could have made a difference in his growing up, which was unnecessarily hard on him emotionally.

 

It's hard to stand back and see a child you love not be treated with the love and respect and care they deserve. Worse when you feel that you could have intervened if things had been different. What ifs are hard.

 

No advice. Just empathy.

[SimiRed]

Most definitely are frustrating situation.  The only getting hurt in all this is DN, and unfortunately he is the one who needs the most love and attention. 

 

I hope one day your brother can be the father that your DN needs.