9 Months-Empty, Lonely, Sad Stuff

[geminigirl]

I'm at nine months now and sometimes I feel like I'm sliding backwards. I'm just in a funk lately and can't shake this empty feeling. I just miss him so damn much! I miss his voice, his smell, I miss cuddling in bed and the way his skin felt against mine. I miss talking to him, I miss the way he looked at me, I miss my buddy, my partner in crime, my sweetheart, my home.

 

I also miss having someone that loves my daughter as much as I do. I can still hear him saying “isn't she the most beautiful thing in the entire world." He said it with absolute love in his heart and it kills me that she'll  never feel that love from him.

 

I've been seeing a nice man for over a month now and he's a pleasant distraction but he isn't my true love. I'm so lonely and he gives me something to look forward to but I still feel lost and hollow most of the time. He does bring me some joy and I'll take any pleasure I can get these days. He knows I'm broken and accepts me. I am grateful for that.

 

I don't know anything anymore, nothing makes sense. I'm lonely even when I'm not alone and time isn't making me miss my husband any less. I miss him more. I miss our life. I'm just venting today. Our ten year wedding anniversary is coming up soon and I'm preparing for a breakdown. I feel like I'm evaporating. Some days I want to disappear. This is hard stuff.

[beth_krkswidow]

My 9 months will be on Saturday.  And I cannot believe how bad it is.  I still can't believe he's gone.  I don't want to go on.  I miss our Life.  I miss him. I miss me.  Because I most definitely am not me.  I just hate this life.  Hate it. 

[geminigirl]

I know what you mean Beth, I don't feel like me anymore and I miss my old self and my old life so much. I'm just so tired of feeling sad all the time. I feel like there's this weight on me and I just want some peace. I want to stop thinking about him and our old life. I want to be in the moment again. I want to be content.

 

Even when I'm having a nice time with the man I'm seeing I still think about my husband constantly and I'm never really happy. I know it's not fair to him but I'm so lonely and being with him does ease the pain a bit. I just don't know what I'm doing anymore or who I am. I can't believe it's almost a year already.

[beth_krkswidow]

I just can't take this.  I do not know how to go on.  I can put one foot in front of the other.  I just cannot fathom doing this for YEARS.  I can't take it.  I just want him back.  I can't take it.  I cry all the time when I'm at home.  I miss him so much.  I just can't take it.

[MR]

Hi Beth and Geminigirl,

I was feeling same thing till last few week and then decided to join a group where people just meet for a coffee or drink and now the pain is less. Some of these people are awake late at night so feeling of loniless has gone down quite a lot. I would recommend do something like this and it might work for you too. I am not happy but not same sad as earlier.

 

Hugs

Manoj

[geminigirl]

Hi Beth and Geminigirl,

I was feeling same thing till last few week and then decided to join a group where people just meet for a coffee or drink and now the pain is less. Some of these people are awake late at night so feeling of loniless has gone down quite a lot. I would recommend do something like this and it might work for you too. I am not happy but not same sad as earlier.

 

Hugs

Manoj

 

I went to a grief support group a few times in the months following my husband's death but the meetings were in the evenings and it got too hard to get a babysitter so I stopped going. I don't really feel like the meetings I went to were all that helpful at the time anyway. I went to a widows group and nearly all of the widows were over 60 and I felt completely out of place (I'm 39.) They were nice women but I just couldn't relate to them at all.

 

It would be nice to find something like the group you are part of but so far I haven't been able to find anything like that in my area. If you don't mind me asking how did you find your group?

[MR]

Hi Geminigirl,

I was having similar problems as yours in terms of finding the right group. Then somehow I landed on meetup.com and found group of Div/sep/widow(er) and joined and went to a dance event. Everyone was good and all age range but mostly near my age (44) so was easy for me to mingle. Now I meet them once or twice a week or have them on whatsapp group so it helps. Some of them call me daily.

 

Hugs

Manoj

[geminigirl]

Thanks Manoj maybe I'll try meetup. I tried them years ago when I was looking to meet some older stay at home moms but I never actually went to any events. I've always found it hard to make new friends but it would be nice to have someone in real life to talk to about what I'm going through that really gets it. If I told my friends and family what I were really feeling or thinking most of the time they would probably think I'm crazy (which I am at times.)

[beth_krkswidow]

Thanks Manoj maybe I'll try meetup. I tried them years ago when I was looking to meet some older stay at home moms but I never actually went to any events. I've always found it hard to make new friends but it would be nice to have someone in real life to talk to about what I'm going through that really gets it. If I told my friends and family what I were really feeling or thinking most of the time they would probably think I'm crazy (which I am at times.)

 

Exactly.  (can't tell "normal" people how we feel or what we are really thinking... that cliff looks really good about now)

 

I actually started a Widow Breakfast.  I started it a couple months after Kirk died.  Started by inviting some widows and widowers that I knew (all ages) and we meet once a month for breakfast.  We now meet twice a month because once a month isn't enough.  Wids have invited other wids and we have around 20-25 wids show up.  We usually stay for 2 hours or more.  We cry, we laugh, we just enjoy being with other people who GET IT.  After the first few, I started bringing name tags and filling them out because no one knew each other.  Good friends have been made.  (I put a heart sticker on name tags of those of us widowed under a year).  It doesn't help anything get BETTER.  It just helps being around people who GET IT. 

[MR]

Thanks Manoj maybe I'll try meetup. I tried them years ago when I was looking to meet some older stay at home moms but I never actually went to any events. I've always found it hard to make new friends but it would be nice to have someone in real life to talk to about what I'm going through that really gets it. If I told my friends and family what I were really feeling or thinking most of the time they would probably think I'm crazy (which I am at times.)

 

 

I agree normal people will think we are crazy as 6 months (in my case) is lot for them. Made some friends within this group and can talk to them any time. Sometimes we are on phone at 2 AM feels good not to be alone all the time.