I'm Okay, I'm Okay....I'm NOT Okay

[KrypticKat]

Sorry, but this post might get a little rambly. I've had one of those weeks and need to get it out.

 

Sometimes you feel like you have the strength. Like you can do it and you're making your way through. That you can smile a little, see the good in the universe and maybe...just maybe make your loved one proud that you chose to live out of respect for the love that you shared. Be the person they fell in love with rather than the shell you turned into when you got robbed too soon of the precious connection that you had.

 

Then it all comes back. Or life throws more shit at you than normal and you feel like you are back to week one all over again.

 

Like the shittiest game of Shoots and Ladders ever and you just landed on the big fucking shoot again after having a few good rolls of the dice. WEEEEEEEEEE fuck my life!

 

Then all the tears and the bullshit thinking and anger comes rushing through you like hot lava and it paralyzes you all over again. Part of you is like WTF? Why? I've been working so hard and this is how you reward me brain and universe? Making me do this work all over again? Why me? Why now?

 

And the kicker is the people that helped you early on when you hit a shoot are not so quick to respond anymore. Or they are just confused at how you can be sliding back so far all of a sudden. Like there is something wrong with how you feel. You might even question yourself that maybe there really is something wrong with you.

 

But I got news for you:

 

THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU.

 

FUCK THEM. FUCK THE SHOOTS AND LADDERS. FUCK how no one is taught how to deal with this shit.

 

We get sheltered in society at an early age from death. The dog goes to the farm. It never just dies. Because we need to be protected from it. Which is really messed up because death isn't one of those things that just happens to some of us. It happens to all of us. And WE here on this site are the unlucky crew that is all too aware of that now. Because we have witnessed it first hand.

 

We have seen how brutal and powerless death makes us and since everyone is so death averse we are left in the dust to deal with it alone. Because how can you understand having someone you've been connected at the soul with suddenly ripped from your life and what that means unless you've lived it.

 

I mean they can try but no...my husbands death is not like when you lost your cat or your cousin. I'm sure that was sad but it's not the same. No two deaths are.

 

Yes I'm a little messed up now.

 

Yes I backslide sometimes.

 

Yes occasionally I involved white wine in my meltdowns but you know what? This is not a graceful process and if you can't deal with the hot mess I turn into sometimes then just GET OUT!

 

But if you think you can handle my messiness and just accept I'm still me then please just give me a hug, hold my hand and help me back up when I'm done riding down this crappy shoot.

 

....That felt good to get out. 

[Julester3]

Vent away. Life for us will always have ups and down. Hugs for you today.

[HCE]

Beautifully said, KK. I can relate to every word.