When did you stop thinking about it?

[CandiceS]

It'll be a month tomorrow since my boyfriend passed. I know that's not a lot of time and I don't remember much of anything right now, even before it happened. I feel like my brain is trying to block it out and it's not working. I've gotten enough control to be able to focus at school finally, I put my giant teddy bear back in our room, can go in when I need to, and set myself up in the spare bedroom. Everything is becoming a new normal, at least during the day. When I go to bed at night it all comes flooding back. I remember finding him, the way he looked, hearing his dad react to seeing him. I relive it a thousand times every night in the back of my mind and I don't know how to stop it. I always think I'm doing better and I'm finally past all the anger I was feeling. I don't mind thinking about him all the time, I write down all the good memories, but I can't stand reliving that every night.

[Trying]

Night time was always the hardest for me too, being quiet and alone with my thoughts was a scary place.  Have you thought about counseling?  You are dealing with the traumatic nature of his death on top of your grief and there are techniques you can learn to deal with those memories when they invade your thoughts.  My heart goes out to you.

[maddalena]

almost 5 years, still thinking about him.  And missing him. But I think about other stuff now too.

[hachi]

Reliving the last days was unbearable at first. I think I was in shock for about 6 months before my mind would really let me "go there" and remember everything. Self preservation. So of course the first anniversary was probably the worst.

 

Finding this group helped me quite a bit, especially meeting the people on my timeline. Hopefully you will find the same here. Others words will inspire you, and help you to feel that you are not alone. I spent a lot of time here at first, and recently find myself back as the 5th anniversary of his death approaches. It has been easier in some ways, harder in others.

 

So like maddalena, I still think about him and remember him always. "It" ... not so much.

[TornApart]

Over 4 years out... I still think of it. But less. I think the numbness really started wearing off at 3 months and then the next few months was a real struggle. It did get better. Life is better now. I know it must feel surreal to you right now. The bad bits can stay at the forefront of your mind. In a strange way, the happy memories are harder and more painful. The hard memories need to be dealt with to give you some peace. I think hachi and Trying are right that some therapy might be useful to help you with those painful memories. I had to get some specialised therapy to help me with some thoughts, and it sounds like what you are dealing with might be even more confronting. I found it helpful to book appointments when I knew that I would deal with the really confronting thoughts, so that gave me permission to not deal with those thoughts until then and helped those thoughts wait until their allocated time. Then I wanted to avoid the appointments to avoid the thoughts, but I made myself do them.

Thinking of you. This is not easy. But you will get through, and you will be stronger.