12 Years - and Still …

[ATJ]

 

 

I Remember You … I Remember Us - Once upon a Time …

I Remember Everything!

 

 

"Je me souviens de toi ... Je me souviens de nous  - Il était une fois -

Je me souviens de tout!"

Today and Always,

 

À tout jamais!

 

 

 

 

 

[Ginger]

As we share this date, even though it is 14 years for me today, I share your thoughts and sentiments!

 

I was thinking of posting today but didn't know what more I could say or add after 14 years. Some things have changed over the years, but the concept of time or lack of it concerning the events of this day, have remained the same. Memories are still clear and an underlying sadness of all that Jim has missed is still front and center on this day. But as the years have accumulated the sadness of this day is less devastating or as long lasting. Luckily I was able to spend a part of the day with a fellow board member that I now call a dear friend who has helped me along this journey.

 

I'm not trying to hijack your lovely post, but I know we share this day and I've been thinking of you this past month and I'm hoping you are well.

 

Ginger

[WifeLess]

A Tout Jamais,

 

A touching tribute to your deceased husband.

 

How nice it is to see one of your beautiful posts after so long. I hope the passage of time has been kind to you.

 

--- WifeLess

 

[BrokenHeart2]

A Tout Jamais, I echo WifeLess about seeing your beautiful posts after so long! The video 'I remember" sounds passionate but I don't know what she is singing. 

I hope you and Ginger are doing well!!

Hugs

[ATJ]

 

@Ginger -

 

Thank you for remembering me on this shared and sad anniversary date. Each year, when the calendar turns, I am also thinking of You, wondering how your life has unfolded. This is indeed a strange club we belong to and whose membership came at a steep cost - and yet, it brings comfort, even after all these years, knowing that others bore witness to our respective stories and walked for a while at our side.

 

 

 

 

May you find Peace & Contentment in unexpected places!

ATJ

 

 

@WifeLess -

 

Thank you so much for your kind words! Although you started on this journey several years after me, you have always been a steadfast and loyal travel companion. You’ve walked alongside me through the deepest valleys as a fellow ‘SOS’ and stretched out a hand of support when I had to navigate perilous terrain – never wavering, never judging, never lecturing - only offering silent encouragement through your steady presence.

 

You have done this for so many in this forum and its preceding version, the YWBB. I wanted to take the opportunity to express my gratitude and appreciation for your deep loyalty, sincerity and generosity of spirit that have benefited so many who were caught in the turbulent and painful world of loss. Also, you have NOT ‘abandoned ship’ when your personal life circumstances turned for the better, but remained a firm pillar of support and guardian of this community. Thank you for that!

 

“Sometimes our light goes out, but is blown into flame by another human being.

We owe deepest thanks to those who have rekindled our light.”

--  Albert Schweitzer

 

 

 

 

Wishing you Peace and many Blessings!

 

 

My warmest regards to You and your lovely Bluebird!

 

ATJ

 

 

@BrokenHeart2 –

 

Thank you for acknowledging me through your kind words. The song, to which I posted a link, expresses the loss of a loved one and the powerful range of emotions so many of us have felt, but it is also hopeful and deeply resonates with me. Unfortunately I do not have an English lyrics version for you. -  I hope that your own path has evened out a bit and that you can look to the future with some hope and faith.

 

 

 

 

Wishing you continued healing and a bright and sunny horizon!

ATJ

 

 

 

[BrokenHeart2]

Thank you ATJ! Your once again beautiful response brought happy tears. Yes, my path is finally starting to even out with some hope and faith to the future.

I remember early out how I just loved your posts with your comforting words and beautiful pictures that reminded me that life wasn't all grey in my darkest times.  I hope you come back to widda more often, you are missed!

Hugs and blessings to you!

[marian53]

Dear, dear, dearest ATJ,

 

I typed out a lenghy resonse, tried to post and got " an error has occurred"

Once again, so lovely to see you here. Your lovely posts and images were such a burst, a jolt, of color in those early days of back and white widowhood. I printed so many of your posts on  ywbb in those  early days and hung them on my fridge. Those frightening, scary days when logging on to ywbb was all that kept me functioning. I had many a comforting moment reading your posts on that fridge on bad days. I have missed you. So glad to hear from you.

xo xo

Marian

 

[ATJ]

@marian53 -

 

How delightful to hear another voice from the past and to read your heartwarming words, which deeply touched me! Although I have moved past those gut-wrenching days of crushing and constant pain, I often miss that sense of solidarity and ‘virtual companionship’ that many of us shared years ago. It was the ONLY thing that carried me through those horrid days. Neither therapists, nor reading a plethora of grief literature did anything to assuage my pain or help me to hold on during those haunting, fearful and sleepless nights, ONLY my fellow travelers who walked beside me on this dark and scary road did that. I often focused on just a few simple, but sincere words on the computer screen to steady myself and could actually FEEL the inner connection, much like another person in the same lifeboat holding my trembling hand. It also greatly helped me to listen to the pain of others, and I so wanted to bring them comfort. I cried with them and for them. And You were among those who spoke the language of my heart. I vividly remember  your writing about your beloved Peter, which always tugged at my heartstrings.

 

Thank you so much for remembering me and still showing your support! Even as we have moved forward with our lives, it is still reassuring and brings comfort  - I hope that life has brought you more sunshine than clouds and that the hurdles have become smaller. Many blessings and much happiness to you!

 

 

 

Since then I’ve traveled a great distance and reached new destinations, but it has also been challenging along the way trying to reshape myself in order to navigate this uncertain terrain into which I had suddenly been catapulted.

“Man cannot remake himself without suffering,

For he is both the marble and the sculptor.”

~~ Dr. Alexis Carrel

 

I have built an entirely new life, making many drafts and tossing some out. Trial and error, not following a linear path, and sometimes I wonder ‘How did I get here?' But, there is much to be grateful for. I have learned many new things, broadened my horizon, stretched myself beyond my comfort zone and became more daring, had many new experiences, and met new people. At the same time, I can never quite “unsee” the images from my past because they are indelibly imprinted in my mind and soul. Therefore, my ‘new life’ at times resembles a Rorschach Test, and depending on the situation, I see different images –  But they are hidden from the view of others.

 

I try to concentrate on the many blessings I enjoy and be grateful for them… YET, there are still moments, especially around anniversaries, when I feel "The absence of presence, the endless time of never coming back..." as Tom Stoppard said.

 

Even after all these years, the heart seems to have its own compass and often still points in its own direction, no matter where I want to go.

 

My husband had such a profound and formative impact on me. Having lost my parents at a young age, and not having had any siblings, sowed early seeds of loneliness. To escape from this, I embarked in my youth on a new life journey onto a different continent, leaving behind my familiar culture, customs, native language and remnants of human connections I had formed. Upon arriving in this new land, I did not know a single soul. One day I met my future husband, and he literally opened an entirely new world for me. He introduced me to his culture with its indigenous customs, expanded my knowledge of American history, taught me about peculiar linguistic idioms, which were often puzzling to me and led to funny misinterpretations, and he showed me the spectacular geographical wonders of this great land.

In the process he became not only my mentor, but also my cultural emulsifier. I finally had found “home” again. Since we did not have any children, he was the center of my world and anchored me in this new land. I became the graft on his deeply rooted tree, drawing my sense of belonging from Him. I literally ‘grew up’ once again, this time on foreign soil, with him being my guide. Gradually I formed other connections with people, whom I considered true friends, but, as many of us have experienced, they quickly disappeared after tragedy struck. – And so, I had to leave the past behind once more and had to construct a new life, this time without any assistance. - My husband was the most pivotal force in my life and therefore left a permanent imprint.

Two days after this anniversary of my husband’s death I was driving in my car, and the song I had linked to my original post ran through my mind, part of which said: “Un jour après la mort nous nous rencontrerons” – "Some day after death we shall meet again". While I am not sure what to believe concerning this matter, it sounded comforting, if only in my imagination. - Then suddenly, in the middle of a big, busy road, right across my windshield, flew a bright red Cardinal bird with wide-spread wings, wildly flapping them, as if to draw my attention. I was so stunned, bringing tears to my eyes, and said ‘Thank You’ to my husband. THIS was always the sign I so desperately used to ask for in the very early days of my grief, and at the time I received it ONCE. And now it was comforting to believe, if only for a moment, that he is still near me.

 

 

 

"May you become like the Lotus

That grows out of the muddy waters of life,

To rise above and blossom."

~~ Anonymous

 

 

This is my wish for all of us!

 

ATJ

 

[BrokenHeart2]

And you did it again!! Beautifully said ATJ! Thank you!

[Monique]

I'd like to share another song with you that I've always loved, and that especially resonates with me now that I've experienced this loss. It is a French song, so perhaps you know it.

 

(Please forgive any spelling errors or poor translations; I did them in high school French class)

 

 

Les Feuilles Mortes- Yves Montand

 

Oh! Je voudrais tant que tu te souviens (Oh, I wish so much that you would remember)

Les jours heureux ou nous etions amis (those happy days when we were friends)

En ce temps la la vie etait plus belle (In those days life was more beautiful)

Et le soleil plus brulant qu'aujourd'hui (and the sun brighter than today)

Le feuilles mortes (the dead leaves)

Se ramasse a la pelle (collect in the shovel)

Tu vois, je n'ai pas oublie (You see, I have not forgotten)

Les feuilles mortes se ramasse a la pelle (the dead leaves collect in the shovel)

Les souvenirs et les regrets aussi (the memories and the regrets as well)

Et le vent du nord les emporte (and the north wind sweeps them away)

Dans la nuit froid de l'oubli (into the cold night of oblivion)

Tu vois, je n'ai pas oublie (you see, I never forgot)

La chanson que tu me chantais (the song that you sang to me)

 

C'est un chanson (it is a song)

Qui nous ressemble (that resembles us)

Toi, tu m'aimais (you, who  loved me)

Et je t'aimais (and I who loved you)

Nous vivions tout

Les deux ensemble (we lived together)

Toi qui m'aimais (you who loved me)

Moi qui t'aimais (and who I loved)

Mais la vie separe (but life separates)

Ceux qui s'aime (those who love)

Tout doucement (very sweetly)

Sans faire de bruit (without making noise)

Et la mer efface sur le sable (and the sea erases on the sand)

Les pas des amants desunis (the footprints of separated lovers)

[ATJ]

 

 

@Monique -

 

Thank you for venturing into this forum, especially since you have only recently started out on this rough and bumpy road. It was very kind of you to reach out to someone who must seem light years ahead of you on this journey, and whose circumstances are quite different. It shows a compassionate and caring heart in the midst of your difficult struggles and their raw nature. But despite the many intervening years that separate our experience, I still vividly remember those very early days and how lost I felt. Therefore, I hope that you will find some support in this community and obtain a sense of solidarity among your peers.

 

 

“When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives means the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand. - The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing, and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, THAT is a friend who cares.”

 

~~ Henri Nouwen

 

In my early days I wrote the following poem, which expresses a similar sentiment:

 

 

'When Shadows Fall'

 

When shadows fall

And night descends upon our soul

Our heart is filled with pain

 

Alone in sorrow and despair

And having lost its way

It cries out loud and yearns for help

 

And reaches for a tender hand

To touch our wound and dry our tears

And gently draws us near

 

Close to another's heart

And holds us there

Until the pain subsides

 

To let us know we're not alone

In our troubled night

To keep us tight and stay with us

 

Until the early morning light ascends

And whispers to us fresh, new hope

And brings the promise of another day

 

When shadows fall

We need a friend

Who helps us find our way!

 

    ~~~~~~~~

 

I wish you such a friend during these tumultuous times!

 

 

 

 

 

May cosmic forces watch over you

and guide you through these troubled times.

 

Wishing you strength, endurance & calmness in the middle of the storm.

 

 

ATJ