And Another Wave of Grief Comes Crashing Down

[lcoxwell]

Since my Kenneth died, every single month seems to start with another wave of grief crashing down on my head.  Every month, about this time, I start feeling this pit in my stomach that lasts until after the monthly anniversary of his death on the 10th.  My migraines and fibromyalgia pain increase, I have even more difficulty than usual sleeping, and I dread getting out of the bed in the mornings.  My appetite completely goes away, and I forget to eat at least one or two meals a day. It takes every ounce of energy I can muster, just to make it through the day.  Try as I might, I cannot focus or concentrate, which means I end up forgetting important things that I shouldn't be forgetting.  As if that isn't enough, I am filled with sadness and anxiety, and it seems like there is this awful weight pressing down on me. I keep hoping this feeling will go away and give me one month of peace, but it doesn't. 

 

Does anyone else experience this kind of thing every. single. month. or is it just me?

[Jen]

(((((Hugs)))))))

 

For me it's almost the opposite. The first of the month arrives and I think, I survived another one! I seem to do all right until the 10th rolls around, then I start to sink again. It's so long till the month is over, you know? I don't know why I think another month will make any difference... it's all so arbitrary, but I can't seem to change it.

 

The character of this grief has changed so much for me over the past few months that I barely recognise it anymore. For the first eight months or so, it was all about my Jim-- how aware I was of his absence, of the giant hole his death left in me. Then it all shifted... I can't explain it. It was almost as though I woke up one morning and he was gone. I no longer have any sense of him-- I know people say they continue to feel their beloved with them for years, maybe for the rest of their lives, but I feel nothing of him anymore. I feel so bad about that-- did I close myself off to him, or was he just done with me? I will miss him as long as I live, but I no longer feel connected to him in any meaningful way. That hurts-- mainly because it doesn't hurt as much as I thought it would. Does that make any sense?

 

Am I terrible person, that it's not killing me to let him go? I promised to love him forever, and I still do, and I always will. But he's not part of my reality anymore. I have to live with what is-- I can't cling to the life I had, the one I thought I would always have. I keep hearing Timon and Pumbaa from The Lion King: "You have to put your behind in the past." "Sit down before you hurt yourself. He means you have to put your past behind you."

 

Does that mean I'm over it, I'm all better? Far from it!! I'm still stuck in hell, but I'm mourning the loss of me, of my life. I'm mired in fear about the future I no longer have. I'm not sure who I am anymore, I don't know what I want to do with the rest of my time in this world. I start to think about it and panic rises-- right now I'm sitting here in tears, wondering what I can possibly look forward to. I look back and all my choices up to this point seem like bad ones-- career, family, education, everything. I don't see any way to progress or grow. I've just got a few decades to kill, that's all.

 

I am filled with sadness and anxiety, and it seems like there is this awful weight pressing down on me. I keep hoping this feeling will go away and give me one month of peace, but it doesn't.

 

This. Yes. Precisely this. It sums up exactly how I feel. I have rare moments of peace, where I think, Really, I'm okay... I'm going to be okay. But more often I'm in mild fight-or-flight, lost and afraid and so, so sad. It's not even because Jim himself is gone, it's because the security he represented is gone. I don't think I'll ever feel safe again.

 

I'm probably rambling and making very little sense. I'm sorry for that, and for hijacking. I've been trying to get this out somewhere, and largely failing. I feel like an awful person-- self-centered and self-obsessed. I just want an endpoint-- I want to know that the terror will recede and I'll find out that there is actually some kind of life on the other side of this. I don't want to be trapped on this roller coaster forever.

 

 

[ATJ]

Since my Kenneth died, every single month seems to start with another wave of grief crashing down on my head. Every month, about this time, I start feeling this pit in my stomach that lasts until after the monthly anniversary of his death on the 10th.  My migraines and fibromyalgia pain increase, I have even more difficulty than usual sleeping, and I dread getting out of the bed in the mornings.  My appetite completely goes away, and I forget to eat at least one or two meals a day.

 

Does anyone else experience this kind of thing every. single. month. or is it just me?

 

 

((lcoxwell))

 

Your post takes me back to those times as if it was just yesterday.- Yes, my psyche reacted like clockwork, and I could feel it on a cellular level. My husband died on a Friday morning. If I was able to get any sleep at all, I woke up with a full-fledged panic attack every single day, my body shaking and trembling so bad that I had trouble getting off the bed and taking even a few steps. Then I looked at the clock. Then each Friday became another trigger, until I started counting in months. And the same pattern repeated. I felt ill in body and mind even a week before the monthly 'anniversary' and just wanted time to stand still, not "go there".

 

For almost a year I was barely able to eat anything. When my husband was alive and well, he used to often tell me that "chocolate was not a substitute for regular food", because it was my all-time favorite, and I often had a piece in the morning with some milk for breakfast. He wanted me to eat nutritious food instead. Then I jokingly told him "If I'm ever in the hospital in a critical condition, have them hook me up to a "Chocolate IV and I'll be fine." But after he died, chocolate literally made me sick for years.

 

Grief can do a real number on us, not just in our head and emotions but also express itself physically and quite powerfully. For over a year my heart would literally ache constantly with this dull pain, and I felt as If an elephant was sitting on my chest. My stomach constantly hurt, and anxiety was ever present, around the clock. Our body often even reacts before we are actually aware of our thoughts. It's the "cellular memory".

 

"Grief will make a new person out of you,

if it doesn't kill you in the making."

 

~~ Stephanie Ericsson

 

And someone else said:

"The punctuation of anniversaries is terrible,

like the closing of doors, one after another,

between you and what you want to hold on to."

 

~~ Anne Morrow Lindbergh

 

Unfortunately it can't be controlled by sheer willpower to make it go away. You were also a long-time caregiver, just like I, and that somehow seems to  exacerbate matters because we were so 'in tune' with our spouses' every single move and constantly watched over them. Then, when they are gone, it almost feels like physical withdrawal from a powerful controlling substance, thus the physical manifestations.

 

I know that hearing this won't make you feel better, but at least you know that you are not alone in this.

 

 

 

 

"May you be able to accept the seasons of your heart

Just as you have always accepted that seasons pass over the fields.

May serenity be yours as you walk through the winters of your grief."

 

~~ Kahlil Gibran -

 

Wishing you gentler and more peaceful days ahead!

 

ATJ

 

[lcoxwell]

Thank you, dear ladies, for being so open about your experiences, and for letting me feel that I am not alone in this. In so many ways, I feel I have taken healthy, positive steps to deal with and work through my grief; yet every month, here I am with the anxiety and oppressive sadness, once again.  Even when I feel I am in a healthier, happier place, overall, my body physically reacts every month.  It is when I start to consider why I am feeling so anxious, and why I am having so much more pain, that I begin to realize it has to do with the approaching anniversary of his death.

[anniegirl]

I was just talking with someone about this on Twitter - the anxiety part of grief that manifests regularly for what seems like forever and it's something that no one really acknowledges, it can show up so regularly that you can mark the hour and day almost.

 

And you know what it is. Just leftovers that your body is still dealing with even though intellectually you've moved a bit or a lot beyond . Loss and the accompanying physical side-effects imprint on us and once our bodies learn a reaction, they become go-to's in times of stress and they can become patterns over time too.

 

And I know "they" say we are supposed to "ride out the waves" and in the beginning that's about all you can do but eventually, you have to simply start swimming the other way and then avoiding the water altogether when necessary.

 

We are not powerless.

 

There ca,e a day when I just said "fuck it, not gonna do this" when the annual parade of dates came knocking because it served no purpose other than to make me feel physically and emotionally crappy. So I stopped. I ignored. I distracted. I imposed new patterns.

 

Time helps but we need to help ourselves a bit too.

 

It's frustrating as you leave the first year and head into the second and a bit beyond to realize that while you aren't a mess anymore, there is still shit at issue. If there is "grief work" at all (a BIG if, imo) it's learning to let go of things you didn't do, things you can't control, things that will always suck no matter how you spin them. Acknowledging that a bad thing happened and it didn't kill you like you thought (maybe wished) it would is a lesson in the life that not is not easily reconciled and the emotional hangover hangs on.

 

But it does end. It does. One day, you are going to look around and know you are there. It won't be free of memories or the occasional sad thought or tear but you will be there.

 

 

[lcoxwell]

Thank you for your input, anniegirl. So much of what you said rings true for me. I do think my body and mind have developed a certain pattern and rhythm of days/weeks that is not necessarily in tune with my "healing". In many ways, I have taken positive steps in my life and have been working on moving forward and building a life for myself, without Kenneth. These cycles of anxiety, sadness, and physical reactions to grief truly are, as you commented, "serving no purpose". I'm trying to reach a point, where I can ignore and move past, but I guess I am just not quite there yet. I think it will be easier, once I move this Summer, because I won't be constantly surrounded by reminders of him, everywhere I go and everywhere I look. For now, though, I just have to hang on and keep going, the best I can.

[anniegirl]

It got easier once I could identify the physical things as being triggered by emotional things and began to recognize patterns because that made it easy to take steps to circumvent.

 

It's time consuming and it's hard to reteach your body once it's established a habit.

 

I moved away at 15 months out and found that it helped a lot.