Still actively grieving, but suddenly feeling very lucky

[lcoxwell]

Tonight, I witnessed the end of very bad marriage, as one of my closest friends in life, who has also been my teaching assistant for the last three years, packed up her things to walk away from a twelve year marriage, for her own safety and sanity. Honestly, that was a HARD thing to watch, much harder than I would have thought. As I sat there, seeing the pain etched on her face, my memories returned to past relationships of my own, where I was cheated on, where I was the victim of acquaintance rape, and later, where I was nearly killed by my first husband and hospitalized for three days.

 

I know what it is like to be hurt by the men, who have professed their love, only to take that "love" and twist it into something ugly and mean. I know what it is like to feel that hurt and shame, and to feel like a failure, when the relationship did not work out. My heart truly goes out to my friend tonight, and I wish there was something I could do to make her feel better. Tonight, I looked into her eyes and I saw the ghost of what I once was, the questioning, the self doubt, the pain, and I was suddenly overcome with a feeling of gratefulness.

 

As hard as the last few weeks have been, and as much as I have been once again actively grieving the loss of my Kenneth recently, I am grateful that he truly loved me, the best that he could. He had his faults, and he wasn't perfect. There were times when our marriage wasn't as good as it could have been. Not once, though, did I ever have to question whether he was being faithful to me. Not once, did he ever lay a hand on me to cause me physical harm. Without a doubt, I can honestly say that he loved me, and that he loved my kids, until his dying breath. For the rest of my life, I can know that at least once, I was truly loved, and for that, I shall be eternally grateful.

 

Tonight, I realized just how lucky I am. Looking at my friend, made me see that not everyone in life is fortunate enough to know what it is like to hear someone say "Till death do us part", and then have that person honor that vow. Seeing her walk out of her home tonight, I realized that not everyone knows what it is to truly be loved.

 

With that being said, tonight, I want to thank you Kenneth, for loving me fully and for showing me what it is like to feel secure in the fact that I was loved.