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  • Cause of death
    Car Accident

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  1. KrypticKat

    Are there any normal men on dating sites?

    I actually met my late husband online. However I had to sift through a sea of duds before I found him. Years of ridiculous dates. Comical even. I am by no means an expert as I've only had one 'relationship' since my husband. It was only 3 months of dating but ending that was super hard and brought up a lot of grief because it was a disappointment and another ending. I guess what I'm trying to say is feeling super disappointed is pretty normal. You're going to be sensitive after what you've been through and the disappointment of something with potential not working out will feel worse. There are good people online. My husband was a testament to that. But you have to be patient and try not to set your expectations too high. I'm sorry you found one of the Duds. At least you found out early and you can get out now. Hugs.
  2. KrypticKat

    Not really family

    It's kind of a double-edged sword isn't it? As widows with no kids we have the option to walk away if we want. We don't necessarily have that continuous tie of blood and yet sometimes it feels like the options taken away from us because of that fact. That illusion that we really only belonged because they were there. I've been invited to a wedding for next year. however I know I'm really only a sad reminder to them he's gone and I feel like sometimes they only invite me out of obligation. I'm happy some people are blessed with in-laws that support them and continue to be a balanced and healthy part of their lives. However I do truly believe that is the exception and not the norm when you don't have kids with your late husband.
  3. I feel this fake reality sensation at 2 years too. Like getting recast in some sort of Truman Show where I play my part but it doesn't feel real. I get that.
  4. I haven't given up and I won't but I'm tired of how much effort this is taking. Most of the major drama is gone. I've removed the toxic connections, I've settled the finances, I've done the grief work and I am trying so damn hard to rebuild. It all just takes so much effort. I try to do positive things like build new hobbies and spend time with friends but the lift from that often feels so temporary. I feel like I have to work extra hard to keep up with people and arrange to meet and do things. I get scared when my schedule becomes too light because I'm afraid of being alone. When I am alone some days I'm okay and other days I feel scared and empty. Finding purpose or meaning after death feels a bit like waving my arms around in the dark aimlessly. I don't have kids to focus on. I can do whatever I want but what I really want is not an option. I miss the sound board that my husband was and that automatic peace that came with him. I think I'm feeling a little lost again for some reason.
  5. KrypticKat

    FB Memorialized -Check?

    I did @brokenheart. I hid them a while ago. I was just saying it's unfortunate how much it hurts now that he's gone as they are good memories.
  6. KrypticKat

    FB Memorialized -Check?

    It's been over two years and I still can't touch his Facebook account. I made myself the legacy contact and downloaded it. I also locked it so no one can post on it. So it's a place people can go view his profile the way he had it. I'm still linked and his wife and I hate when Facebook sends reminders about his birthday or our anniversary so I hid those as well. These features are great for non wids but a real kick in the face for those of us with lost loved ones. Closing his credit cards and memberships was easier than Facebook. Maybe one day I'll be ready but these things seem to have their own time.
  7. KrypticKat

    On line dating vents and laughs......

    There's just about everything out there now. You are not alone. I had a guy message me that likes to dress up as Ariel from the Little Mermaid. He claimed he wasn't gay or bi and was not an 'real' cross dresser. He just REALLY likes dressing up as Ariel. He sent me pictures. Unprompted. Of his Ariel cosplay. At least they are being up front so we can decide right?
  8. KrypticKat

    Those familiar chest pains of loss

    It's SO hard. Before the loss of my husband I remember I had such confidence. "Well I'd rather be alone than with someone and miserable." I think that line of thinking is what lead to my husband in the first place because I wouldn't settle for less. Yet now the grief monkey is in the room with me and he goes bananas anytime I choose to end something or risk another potential loss. Any chance I can return this monkey back to the zoo?
  9. So my first relationship after my husband is officially over. It lasted all of 3 months but it was quite the Spitfire relationship. Lots of romance and intense feelings but like many Spitfires eventually you're just left with spit. The fact was I started to balance the scale and I was feeling more pain than Joy from being with this man. I was very grateful for the relationship and I feel like I've grown a lot and learned how to get back out there after such an immense loss. However today I'm feeling a great deal of doubt after ending things with this guy and I woke up this morning with familiar sharp chest pains that reminded me of the first few months after my husband died. Some of you might be able to relate to that sensation. It's like somebody's pulling your rib cage apart in the front and squeezing your heart till you can't breathe. It's been coming and going all day. I'm sad this new relationship is over because it had a lot of positive parts and this man was lovely but the fact is my needs weren't being met. and I found as time was going on I was feeling more frustration and anxiety than one should in a healthy relationship. And when we talked about these issues it became pretty clear they were things that were never going to change. And I still wish he was here right now. I hate feeling this loneliness again. This loss is nothing compared to the loss of my husband but I feel like I have such an aversion to loss now because I never want to feel like that again. But I suppose that's the risk of getting out there. I'm sad and in pain and questioning everything today. I seem to be hell-bent on beating myself up for not being able to make this work. I don't believe it's not because I was not ready. We genuinely had in reconcilable differences which we gave an honest shot but sometimes it's just not the right fit. Yeah that's still doesn't seem to be enough to stop the pain and the self-doubt. KK
  10. KrypticKat

    The first one out the gate

    Thank you for all of your thoughts. I agree that no one will ever replace my husband. And when I first started getting back out dating I caught myself doing it way too much and had to take a break. When I met this new guy I found I wasn't really doing that as much yet they're just the little flash moments. When this guy would do something that would remind me of my husband. Like a reflex almost. It definitely hasn't been driving my decision making. The only connection to my husband that is driving my decisions is my understanding of what healthy relationships and connections feel like. But I don't want the relationship I had with my husband. Those shoes are already filled. I actually just ended the relationship tonight with the new guy. part of me didn't want to let go of it because he's a wonderful person and in a lot of ways I've had fun with him and gotten a great deal out of it. but considering the short time we've been together there was just too much stress. At first I thought maybe it was me just working through my issues and dealing with some difficult anniversary dates but upon further reflection I realized it was because my needs aren't being met. That while this guy is a wonderful person there are genuine issues with us as a couple that likely can't be resolved. When we started out and it was more casual this wasn't an issue. But as people have said above it's not fair to stay when it gets more serious and you know the longevity just isn't there. So I'm spending the night eating ice cream sandwiches and watching Netflix. I think I can be happy on my own. I was before. and maybe I'll get back out there eventually. But Everyone's entitled to some ice cream after a breakup.
  11. KrypticKat

    The first one out the gate

    I'm not sure what I'm seeking with this post. Maybe I'm looking for advice. Or maybe I just need to rant. Maybe I'm hoping somebody will tell me I'm normal. This is the first relationship I've had since my husband passed away and I swear I'm losing some marbles. Every step we take makes me nervous. I catch myself comparing him to my late husband. I recognize that this new guy is maybe missing qualities I need for a serious long-term relationship. And I feel guilty just wanting to date and not be lonely once in awhile. I have a hard time going back to being casual about things when I was used to being in such a serious committed relationship with my marriage. I miss how easy things were with my husband. This relationship isn't easy. It comes with overthinking. It comes with worry and sometimes insecurity that I hate and it's just not me. Maybe this guy isn't good for me even though he's a lovely person. Or maybe I'm still working out the Kinks. Maybe I need to get over the fact I need this to get over the Kinks.
  12. KrypticKat

    The second year seems harder.

    Year two can be harder than year one in lots of ways. It's so true that year one is confusion, survival and numbness is many ways. You're hurting but your brain protects you from just how much you are hurting because the full blown reality would probably kill you. Year two your gaining strength and so the brain goes "okay... time to deal with this". So you get to run the track all over again but this time with greater awareness, more sensation and more responsibility because the supports are dropping off and life is forcing you to continue. No more stalling. No more sitting. Year one was the broken leg with bed rest. Now you have to start walking on it and it hurts like hell. I do truly believe it does get easier. I feel different as the years pass but it is different or the 'new normal' that people constantly talk about. I get the impatience of wanting it to stop hurting because let's face it we've been through enough and deserve a break. I honestly wish there was a solution.
  13. KrypticKat

    I miss being loved

    I feel the same way @BrokenHeart2. I miss the completeness that came with him. The security I felt no matter how hard things got. That I knew if things went south he'd be right beside me to ride out the storm. I knew him inside and out and he knew me for the good and bad yet there was love all the same. I don't have the same number of years with my husband that many others got but in the time we did have our history was rich. We lived every moment in the now. It's so great that so many of us got to have that and that also makes it tragic now that it's gone. I'm dating again... but it's nothing like what is being described here. I tell myself it's early days, that I'm just learning how to do this again and I cannot compare 4 years of intimacy with a new relationship. But my husband taught me something important: To know what an awesome relationship is so I won't settle for less. That the kind of love he gave me is real and possible and while it will never be the same as my time with him I can hope in the future that maybe I could meet someone that can love me in that worthwhile way again. I never stop missing him and it takes all my mental willpower to avoid falling into the comparison trap. Life is different. Knowing what awesome love feels like and not having it anymore is hard. But I push on.
  14. KrypticKat

    Not really family

    It's more of a norm than it should be. Mine almost instantly cut me out. I still talk to the father's side but the divide gets bigger all the time. I used to joke in the early days you're only an in-law until your an outlaw. Weird part is I also have a crazy MIL and she still apperently calls out cat her grand kitty. I'm just glad she doesn't want visitation rights. Welcome to the shitty club of no kid wids. Extra serving of isolation. Hugs to you Kk
  15. Fuck Google Assistant for sending me reminder pictures from two years ago. The therapist at the at the hospital in the ICU had recommended taking pictures of our hands together in case I wanted to see them again. I thought I'd prevented Google from uploading them into my photo collection but low and behold it found them. Talk about taking a mental baseball bat the the brain. FUUUUUUUCK!

Personal Information

  • Cause of death
    Car Accident

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