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  • Cause of death
    Car Accident

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  1. KrypticKat

    Weddings as a Young Widow

    Right?! We won the shittiest Lottery on the planet and yet somehow they find a way to be jealous of us? Like some people seem to get jealous of all the attention you get from it but frankly I could do without all the attention. I'd like a refund thanks 🙄
  2. KrypticKat

    Weddings as a Young Widow

    Oh 100% bittersweet is the right word. I really enjoy the weddings and be with my friends and seeing how in love they are but there's always that lingering tinge of pain it comes with the way my husband isn't sitting next to me enjoying all the fun. It's like really dark chocolate. Enjoyable but never quite sweet enough. Yes that caterer with the pulled pork poutine became my new best friend that night!
  3. KrypticKat

    Weddings as a Young Widow

    I feel like having lost my partner so young I see weddings very differently now. I think they're beautiful and yet they can be very hard. I love seeing my friends celebrate their love and yet I still have those moments when I'm sitting at the table with them and flashes of my husband's face cross my mind. I was doing really well this weekend. Despite having a semi strained relationship with the bride who was once one of my closest friends who's barely been a part of my life since my husband died. I did really well. I got through all the speeches about the groom's father being passed away and how important his ring was as I sat there spinning my own husband's ring on my right hand. So I was completely caught off guard when the s*** hit the fan. I have another friend who was at the wedding who was also one of my bridesmaids. As long as I've known her she's never really been in a relationship and I think she knows she needs to work on some of her own issues before she'll be happy in a serious relationship. She got very emotional during the speeches and mentioned how she realized she would never want a wedding like the one we were sitting at. In that moment I tried to empathize with her as I'm sure you're all familiar with loneliness as much as I am and I could see she was feeling lonely. I tried to be honest about how I wasn't sure I would do a wedding ever again if I did find love and before I could finish my thought she cut me off and said " because they'd always be second best." It completely caught me off guard and her next comment was 'yeah you heard me' and then she left. I had to get out of the room I went and had a good cry with one of my friends upstairs away from the wedding because I did not want this day to be about me but how could you not let something like that affect you when you're just doing everything not to melt down? We eventually talked later in the evening and through our discussion where she only said that her comment was 'kind of insensitive' she believes I've already had it and she's never had it and therefore I cannot relate to her. And then she said if I ever found it again before she did she'd be devastated. So yeah. That was my weekend. On the silver lining side of things the caterer that found me crying in the back hall brought me a pulled pork poutine because he thought it looked like I could use it. Got to try and focus on the positive right? FML
  4. KrypticKat

    Just overwhelming

    You will find strength you never knew you had through your grief and hit emotional walls and pits like a freight train. All normal. You are remarkable for taking all of that on in your grief. If you need to cry do. We're here for you ❤
  5. KrypticKat

    Grief and Friends

    It's so frustrating feeling like your friendships are just more collateral in your loss. I've been struggling the last few days with my friendships. One of my very closest friends sort of abandoned me after my husband died. About a year-and-a-half later she apologized and admitted to dropping the ball. I thought we were on the mend but recently found out she's having Christmas dinner with all of our close friends and I wasn't invited. Singles and couples alike. When I attempted to speak with one of our friends about it she became defensive and started to point out things like I hadn't always invited her to events in my weaker moments of grief. like when I had a small memorial on his birthday and I couldn't handle a lot of people being over. Like it's a scorekeeping game. I'm tired of feeling responsible for maintaining all my relationships when I needed people the most. I'm tired of having to explain the Christmas is a shity holiday that I struggle with and I would love to have the people I care about around me and that being excluded when you're single alone and widowed is the worst. sorry if this is rambly but I'm feeling kind of raw and this place is always a good outlet.
  6. KrypticKat

    Grief and Friends

  7. KrypticKat

    Are there any normal men on dating sites?

    I actually met my late husband online. However I had to sift through a sea of duds before I found him. Years of ridiculous dates. Comical even. I am by no means an expert as I've only had one 'relationship' since my husband. It was only 3 months of dating but ending that was super hard and brought up a lot of grief because it was a disappointment and another ending. I guess what I'm trying to say is feeling super disappointed is pretty normal. You're going to be sensitive after what you've been through and the disappointment of something with potential not working out will feel worse. There are good people online. My husband was a testament to that. But you have to be patient and try not to set your expectations too high. I'm sorry you found one of the Duds. At least you found out early and you can get out now. Hugs.
  8. KrypticKat

    Not really family

    It's kind of a double-edged sword isn't it? As widows with no kids we have the option to walk away if we want. We don't necessarily have that continuous tie of blood and yet sometimes it feels like the options taken away from us because of that fact. That illusion that we really only belonged because they were there. I've been invited to a wedding for next year. however I know I'm really only a sad reminder to them he's gone and I feel like sometimes they only invite me out of obligation. I'm happy some people are blessed with in-laws that support them and continue to be a balanced and healthy part of their lives. However I do truly believe that is the exception and not the norm when you don't have kids with your late husband.
  9. I feel this fake reality sensation at 2 years too. Like getting recast in some sort of Truman Show where I play my part but it doesn't feel real. I get that.
  10. I haven't given up and I won't but I'm tired of how much effort this is taking. Most of the major drama is gone. I've removed the toxic connections, I've settled the finances, I've done the grief work and I am trying so damn hard to rebuild. It all just takes so much effort. I try to do positive things like build new hobbies and spend time with friends but the lift from that often feels so temporary. I feel like I have to work extra hard to keep up with people and arrange to meet and do things. I get scared when my schedule becomes too light because I'm afraid of being alone. When I am alone some days I'm okay and other days I feel scared and empty. Finding purpose or meaning after death feels a bit like waving my arms around in the dark aimlessly. I don't have kids to focus on. I can do whatever I want but what I really want is not an option. I miss the sound board that my husband was and that automatic peace that came with him. I think I'm feeling a little lost again for some reason.
  11. KrypticKat

    FB Memorialized -Check?

    I did @brokenheart. I hid them a while ago. I was just saying it's unfortunate how much it hurts now that he's gone as they are good memories.
  12. KrypticKat

    FB Memorialized -Check?

    It's been over two years and I still can't touch his Facebook account. I made myself the legacy contact and downloaded it. I also locked it so no one can post on it. So it's a place people can go view his profile the way he had it. I'm still linked and his wife and I hate when Facebook sends reminders about his birthday or our anniversary so I hid those as well. These features are great for non wids but a real kick in the face for those of us with lost loved ones. Closing his credit cards and memberships was easier than Facebook. Maybe one day I'll be ready but these things seem to have their own time.
  13. KrypticKat

    On line dating vents and laughs......

    There's just about everything out there now. You are not alone. I had a guy message me that likes to dress up as Ariel from the Little Mermaid. He claimed he wasn't gay or bi and was not an 'real' cross dresser. He just REALLY likes dressing up as Ariel. He sent me pictures. Unprompted. Of his Ariel cosplay. At least they are being up front so we can decide right?
  14. KrypticKat

    Those familiar chest pains of loss

    It's SO hard. Before the loss of my husband I remember I had such confidence. "Well I'd rather be alone than with someone and miserable." I think that line of thinking is what lead to my husband in the first place because I wouldn't settle for less. Yet now the grief monkey is in the room with me and he goes bananas anytime I choose to end something or risk another potential loss. Any chance I can return this monkey back to the zoo?
  15. So my first relationship after my husband is officially over. It lasted all of 3 months but it was quite the Spitfire relationship. Lots of romance and intense feelings but like many Spitfires eventually you're just left with spit. The fact was I started to balance the scale and I was feeling more pain than Joy from being with this man. I was very grateful for the relationship and I feel like I've grown a lot and learned how to get back out there after such an immense loss. However today I'm feeling a great deal of doubt after ending things with this guy and I woke up this morning with familiar sharp chest pains that reminded me of the first few months after my husband died. Some of you might be able to relate to that sensation. It's like somebody's pulling your rib cage apart in the front and squeezing your heart till you can't breathe. It's been coming and going all day. I'm sad this new relationship is over because it had a lot of positive parts and this man was lovely but the fact is my needs weren't being met. and I found as time was going on I was feeling more frustration and anxiety than one should in a healthy relationship. And when we talked about these issues it became pretty clear they were things that were never going to change. And I still wish he was here right now. I hate feeling this loneliness again. This loss is nothing compared to the loss of my husband but I feel like I have such an aversion to loss now because I never want to feel like that again. But I suppose that's the risk of getting out there. I'm sad and in pain and questioning everything today. I seem to be hell-bent on beating myself up for not being able to make this work. I don't believe it's not because I was not ready. We genuinely had in reconcilable differences which we gave an honest shot but sometimes it's just not the right fit. Yeah that's still doesn't seem to be enough to stop the pain and the self-doubt. KK

Personal Information

  • Cause of death
    Car Accident

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