Bunny

I was married on this day 23 years ago. This morning Facebook shared a picture with me of that day. It was my favorite, taken by a friend of ours. I’m in a relationship now, thus it just doesn’t feel right to share it in my feed- so I thought I’d post it here instead! It’s funny, I feel like having kids gives you a ‘permission’ to post their pictures that I don’t feel since I am childless. It was a lovely day- truly one of the happiest in my lifetime. But I feel so far removed from it. Detachment seems an easier way to deal with these things- I never thought I would be able to reach this stage. I am hoping the next stage is being able to feel the joy of that moment without the pain of it’s loss also. ❤️❤️❤️ Feel free to share your wedding pictures with me, I would love to see them ❤️❤️❤️

I also took care of my husband, for two years, and sex was off the table for at least the last year. In fact, a guilt I carried for a looonnnngggg time was that I turned him down for sex that last time (didn’t know it was the last) because I was stressed and tired and needed to get to my part-time job. I was probably numb to my body for a lot of that first year, but when it finally started making it’s needs heard, and that ‘skin hunger’ kicked in, it was all Very Intense!!! My hormones were suddenly like that of an 18-year-old boy’s. It was c-r-a-z-y strong. And what made it even worse was that I knew I was not emotionally ready to have sex with anyone- though I was starting to understand people who got a FWB. Me, I just took matters into my own hands- a lot- until I felt ready to have sex again with another person. What you are feeling is very, very, very normal.

When I was first widowed, I just naturally wanted to be alone, I avoided people as much as possible for over a year. But daily I had my animals for company and spent lots of time outdoors in my yard. However. I always had the option to leave whenever I wanted or needed or to have company over when I felt up for it. I hope all of you wids who find yourselves quarantined alone are taking good care of your mental and physical health. I was definitely not the poster child for making healthy choices while deeply grieving, so no judgements, just know I’m thinking of all of you and if anyone would like to share anything here about your experiences or how you are coping we are all here to listen. ❤️❤️❤️

Thank you, everyone, for your support. Your words mean a lot to me and I come back to read them again when I need some encouragement. Luckily, we both have a strong support system IRL also. He started the chemo pills last night and radiation today. I am feeling more calm and centered- the initial shock and despair have quieted down, thankfully. We are facing this with love in our hearts and try to keep stress at a minimum. I find myself kicking into caretaker mode again, though this time I am not such a drill sergeant. Of course, I am extra concerned about his health and daily hospital visits with the addition of the Corona Virus. It is frustrating when I see people being so casual about it, but all we can do is keep ourselves as safe as possible. Our city has issued stay-at-home orders for all unnecessary activity as of tomorrow. So much gratitude in my heart that we are able to stay so connected with loved ones through the technology of telephone calls, texting, e-mail, and internet. It is kinda weird to see the rest of the world joining us in our own little quarantine time. I wish for all of you and those you love good health.

It’s kinda funny, we have been stocking up one step ahead of everyone else because we decided to self-segregate while my boyfriend goes through cancer treatment during the cold and flu season- so there were no shortages or long lines for us! But we did decide to beef things up a bit more with this new added element. He lived in Italy for many years and keeps in touch so we take this very seriously as we hear their experiences from afar. I am thankful for our big yard, the warming weather to enjoy it again, and for all the food it provides us. I hope all of you singles stay safe out there- perhaps a return to the old-fashioned courtships of conversation without any of the physical touch😄

My boyfriend was diagnosed with cancer earlier this month. We spent Valentine’s Day meeting his hospital team, scheduling more tests, and filling out paperwork. Then today we finally got to the staging and plan of action. For those keeping score, my late husband died of cancer. I mean, I'm not mad about it. I don't think 'why me?' It is just Life and I can't control it. It will be fine, no matter what. Everyone with cancer has a 50/50 chance, honestly. I control nothing so I accept everything. As best I can. Widowhood has made me into something of a fatalist. It is a different experience this time- I don’t feel like Superwoman getting ready to vanquish the enemy, I am not lighting candles and saying prayers. I am not obsessing on what he eats. I appear pretty calm, until I examine what is going on in the pit of my stomach- it is a ball of anxiety and pain I try not to poke too hard. But I have noticed while driving alone I’ll sometimes just start crying. And I got pretty teary-eyed at the grocery store yesterday. Plus, this experience has been so emotionally exhausting my insomnia hasn’t been as much of a problem lately. My concentration is for shit, though. So, here we go. None of us truly knows how much time we are going to get together anyway.

I hope you know all of my comments came from a place of love and support. We have ‘known’ eachother for years, and I just want you to be with a partner who appreciates and adores you. Or, if that is not to be, I want you to find love and contentment from within. Afterall, It’s much better to be peacefully alone than to feel engulfed by loneliness while coupled.

Dating a widow is not easy, because she is understanding Life on a whole other level. Like, she no longer believes it when people say ‘it’s going to be fine’ or ‘don’t worry’ or ‘everyting always turns out for the best’ because she knows there are no guarantees and anyone can die at any minute. Being a widow is a total mindfuck. I never ever wanted to fall in love again because the thought of going through this shit twice terrified me. But here I am with someone again anyway. And, yeah, I hold myself back. And yeah, I’m ambivalent about so much now. I think widows are the best/worst partners. Good luck.

I guess we all come at situations with our own set of experiences to inform us on our opinions. I, personally, have never been with a button-pushing conflict lover (my DH merely had a very shitty temper), but I have witnessed friends navigate these relationships long-term due to a child involved. One finally stopped engaging with the ex except through a mediary. One fully engaged in the conflict until the day he died- he was such a brilliant man, but she was his Achilles Heel. I could never figure out how she managed it, but I keep a wide berth to this day. Another took the kicked helpless puppy approach to her antics until he died. They were all parents wanting relationships with their children but at the mercy of an unbending person, fighting against unreasonableness. Obviously, an abusive person is beyond concerning themselves with morals, but for the ‘average’ divorce I just don’t get it. Maybe it’s my childlessness that makes me astonished people can’t put aside their differences for their children, it is beyond me using a child as a weapon to get to the ex. It makes no logical sense. I would not have the patience for it, and I am a Very Patient Woman, generally speaking. My heart goes out to all you blenders ❤️

What a jerk. Trying to yank your chain? Seeing if you’re up for a hook-up? Can’t stand that you are actually able to walk away from him and get on with your life? This man has always sounded self-absorbed and unable to accept blame for any part of why his relationships go south. Also- He could never put you first. Thank you for loving yourself enough to ignore him.

A man who continues to spend so much time arguing with his ex-wife needs some serious therapy about boundaries, button-pushing, and learning/practicing productive positive communication skills. That he finds all this normal is shocking- but maybe that’s what he grew up listening to. It sounds absolutely exhausting to put up with CW. I mean, I’m usually all for being there for my partner, but I would be tempted to go to extreme measures, like the kind you use to train toddlers. You know, forbid him to talk to you about her for more than 5 minutes- and then time it, if you allow it at all. Ask him to tell/text his ex he is busy and will get back to her later whenever she interrupts. And if he doesn’t, then simply end the date- you know you gotta follow through with threats or they don’t believe you. It will SUCK having to do that, and will provoke disappointed feelings all around, but this shit you’re putting up with is just....unacceptable. He keeps doing this because he is getting something out of it, it feeds his psyche in some weird way, and that would really irritate me being forced to be involved so intimately in their unhealthy relationship.

I am so sad to read this! I’m sorry, Rob. I am helping a widow friend of mine move out of her current husband’s house (he was my late husband’s friend) as they will be divorcing soon -after only 4 years. It’s been hard for her because she has always been opposed to divorce so I have been helping her be okay with her decision. She tried, they went to counseling, but the problems could not be solved. And even though all their children are older, it still caused some of the friction. I have observed that sometimes marriage can make people change dramatically, and not always for the better. Sending you healing thoughts ❤️

Congrats on the new kitten! Although I’m a procrastinator myself, I feel your pain at his foot-dragging. When my husband and I moved into our first home my parents got us a super fancy expensive litter box and it was life changing- LOVED it, because I hate cleaning the cat box. My cat was semi-feral and skittish and had no problem using it. If you can get over the sticker shock, I highly recommend! I’m pretty sure it’s called a Litter Robot...

Yikes, tybec! That does all sound a bit...limited. Have you looked into Meet-Ups at all, or maybe groups that meet at the library- maybe could expand your friendship circle at the very least...then they could introduce you to someone they know! A widow friend found her new husband on e-harmony. Although, I will say, at age 55 I do love to go camping. My husband was such a city boy (and also super into classic cars😆) so he never wanted to go, but bf was raised by a Boy Scout executive so he is an excellent camper. You can always choose places with cabins or yurts so you don’t hafta completely rough it. We sleep our older bones on an air mattress. I do think you can tell a lot about a person by camping with them. I’m in a fairly large city, though, so getting out into nature is very soul-satisfying for me.

I get not wanting to have a big age gap. I’ve been in relationships with men 10 years older and 5-7 years younger. Basically, I didn’t find it enjoyable being with someone who didn’t share my generational references, you know? Plus- I’ve never been accused of being mature for my age so maybe that’s why I always preferred my own age group in regards to men 😀 My husband was 18 months younger, my boyfriend is 9 months older. Before being in my current relationship, an acquaintance of my husband’s was hitting on me and even though he was only 8 years older he seemed....old. We just spoke a different kinda language. Same for the guy who was 17 years younger that I had one date with, too big a gap! It’s just not personally appealing to me. Good luck ❤️