Bambi

Needytoo, I love your description "my step thing" - that's what I will call the monster-in-law from now on. Not that I have any contact with it since I blocked her calls and messages for the sake of my sanity. Some people are just evil, there's no way around it. They are expert manipulators, borderline psychopaths and will actively enjoy draining your will to live with their toxicity. Somehow a lot of people can't see through them which perhaps says as much about them as it does the thing. Remember it doesn't matter what anyone thinks of you, only what you think of them. Neither of these people deserve anything from you so just do whatever feels right for you and hold your head high.

Love this - thank you !

Crying while reading but thank you for sharing with us. Such a beautiful boy. Heartbreaking. xxx

Oh Euf, my heart breaks for you. Just before he was diagnosed, my DH bought our dog Alfie. DH died 16 months later and Alfie was the only thing that kept me going, and is still keeping me going. I'd have checked out long ago were it not for him. Human friends have been very, erm, disappointing shall we say? Alfie is my only family and of course its not the same as losing my Steve, but I dread the day Alfie goes ...... sending love and hugs

Just logged in today after quite some time - not coping very well (18 months out) but felt the urge to reconnect with fellow wids today. So glad I did! You guys are beyond amazing xxxx

Captain's wife - how these people look themselves in the mirror is beyond me! I share your pain but we (and all our fellow wronged widows/widowers) will come out of this so much better than those who happily stomp on others hearts. xxx

Thank you for all your replies - this forum is a lifesaver and the only place I don't feel like an alien that has just landed! I have been a total mess but am working through (stupid phrase) this particular shit storm as much as I can. Its involved a violent return to the "kitchen floor reset" - you know, the one where you collapse on the floor in a foetal position and cry so violently you vomit. Nice. I came to the view that my Steve's ashes weren't him and that I was holding on to them so tightly because to let them go would be, in some God awful way, to have to finally accept he is gone forever. I've never felt comfortable personally with splitting ashes although I would never judge anyone else or make any comment, we all do whatever we can just to get through this hell. I knew Psycho Step Son would never let it go, he loves a drama and any excuse to harass me. The rest of his family while conspicuous by their absence before, during and after my Steve's death, were also feeding on the high drama of it all. So I took the ashes back to the funeral home, said my goodbyes and told Psycho Boy to go get them. I know I've done the right thing as there has been radio silence from all of them since (they got what they wanted but now have no ammo and not a clue what they want to do). Let them tear each other apart (as they will) over this. I have a feeling they will put him with his first wife as a final up yours to me. So be it. I am out of it. As my Steve would've said "that ain't me Bambi!" ........

Jen you sound like a totally amazing and wonderful person who has been crushed by the horror we're all struggling with. I too cannot seem to care about anything anymore but don't want to post my "doom and gloom" through some misplaced pride I guess you'd call it. Ridiculous. I have no living family and my DH Steve's family have been vile so I've disconnected. Friends have drifted away, fed up with my rollercoaster emotions and lack of social involvement. I feel judged by numerous moronic people for not being "over it". I've withdrawn from almost everyone and spend most of my time when not at work with my best friend, my dog. He doesn't judge, doesn't ever get bored with me, want me to be someone I'm not, tell me to "get over it" or ever be embarrassed by my tears. He gives me more comfort and more love than any human out there (other than my darling Steve of course!). I am sure he can read my heart. I know I sound insane. I know its probably not healthy. But I know it gets me through the day. So love your kittens and your puppy and know they will love you back unconditionally.

Its been 15 months since I lost the love of my life, my husband, to cancer. Yesterday I received this text from my psycho step son: "We need to organise a service to dispose of dad's ashes. Its not fair on his family and friends that they have nowhere to go to remember him. Did you have a plan?". He's not contacted me since he physically attacked me back in April and got arrested. He freaked out because he was angry I was getting 75% of our marital home (he gets 25% so its not even as if he's cut off). I am scared of him. Friends and family have sided with him because apparently he should have got the house and I should just move out now I am surplus to requirements. I have my darling Steve's ashes in a beautiful urn at home with me and am not ready to let him go yet (maybe I should be, but I'm just not!). His family haven't bothered with me since the funeral and as for his friends ..... well we all know how that goes. I have composed 100s of replies in my head which tell him exactly what I think but he has keys to my home (the estate is still in Probate as there was no Will) and I can't legally change the locks. My worry is he will come to the house while I am at work and help himself to Steve's ashes and arrange some G*d awful service without me. They had a golf day and dinner on the 1st anniversary of his death which I wasn't told about, let alone invited to, I found out from someone else. He has helped himself in the past to anything of value he wanted from the house but I can't bring myself to care about stuff so have let it go. I could take the ashes back to the funeral home but worry he will have some kind of right as his son to get them. And they are not something you can easily ask friends to look after for you! I was starting to get myself back together but this has sent me spiralling backwards. I find it obscene that people who didn't bother with him when he was alive and ill are (apparently) all worked up about going to see him now he's dead!!

Oh KK it breaks my heart to read yours and all the other posts on this subject. Why are people such emotional pygmies? I have had no contact with my in laws or any of DHs family since October last year (he died in July). My stepson and I weren't even contacted on our birthdays or over Christmas by them! It is what it is. Since April my stepson has also cut off all contact with me and said if I was a decent person I would just move out of our home, take all my stuff and never come back, leaving everything to him. I've tried so hard to keep it all together but sometimes the tide of hatred is just too strong to swim against. Sadly I agree with you that we have to look after ourselves first and cut out the toxic relationships. We all know we've suffered enough already .... Sending strength, love and hugs xxx

Kater, I am nearly 11 months on and am doing exactly the same as you! Glad its not just me. I'm comfortable, the dog is comfortable - follow your heart, you will know when (if) the time is right to change.

So this ..... OMG soooooooo this !!! Thank you for sharing xxxx

Thank you KK and Tweety Unfortunately because the house is still technically his home until Probate goes through, he can come and go as he pleases, I can't change the locks. The police caution is supposed to keep him away as if he attacks me (or anyone) within the next 6 years he goes straight to court. That doesn't help me when I'm here on my own freaking out at every car door slamming or the dog barking. My lawyers are being useless and blanking my calls and emails although said a restraining order would be useless. I'm falling down a financial black hole so don't want to start again with new ones who'll probably be just as pathetic. No one seems to give a shit! My stepson was here on Friday while I was at work and took a jewellery box that contained stuff of his mum and dads (his mum died when he was 4). Just walked in and took it and it seems there is not a single thing I can do about it. He also had a rummage in the drawer where I keep my credit cards and sometimes cash. Had. Enough. Now.

Thank you all soooo much for your replies! It really helps to hear from unknown friends out there who understand. I know he smokes weed every day, I had asked him to stop (or at least stop doing it in the house) but he refused. I don't know if he's using anything else, my guess now is probably that he is. I spoke to my bereavement therapist who said there is nothing we can do unless he seeks help himself. Feeling less alone since posting

Thank you - I will ! Since it happened, my stepson said "my dad would have kicked you out and divorced you for reporting ME to the police". My husband's so called friends said "don't press charges, it'll ruin his life" and "you have to remember he's been through a lot". I said "oh maybe we should just let him kill me then?". As we all know, losing the love of your life isn't exactly a walk in the park either ..... I have honestly never felt so alone.