Euf

Hello from a widow that has walked barefoot through the coals of death and has ended up with feet that still hurt. I think I am supposed to have moved on (and where is on?) or somewhere or someplace but mostly I’m just planting my feet on the earth. April, May, June July August. I look for true north. He is still the one by which I chart my course. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i_USvQllSOg

I recently read somewhere that one should keep a pandemic journal. I guess we are all to be Samuel Pepys and the journal may be our claim to fame. Even if we can’t be a reality TV star or an internet celebrity, maybe we can still be famous someday. Famous at least to the future generations reading about great-great grandma during the pandemic Or it might have been suggested by someone just trying to get air-time. Trying to keep themselves relevant. Trying to find a crack they can widen until they become a household name. I might be cynical. Maybe it was kindly suggested as a way to help us keep things in perspective. For some of us, writing about things is a way to understand. A way to work through things. A way to gain control when times are out of control. Maybe that is why they suggested a journal but if so, those of us that write don’t need to be told to write. For everyone else it is just one more thing on the to-do list. One more way we aren’t living up to our potential. One more judgement in an era of being judged. There are so many worthwhile things I could be doing. Free online concerts, free virtual tours of locations I will never get to actually visit, museums and classes and concerts. It makes me tired thinking about it all. I am sleeping in late. (In the world of the newly retired, that means I am still waking at 5AM but staying in bed until 7AM). I am reading books. (sometimes in bed between 5AM and 7AM). I am puttering around in the yard. I am trying to stay in contact with the people I care about. That seems to be enough for me.

For those that celebrate Christmas, I think it has to be one of the hardest holidays for the widowed. Even if you and your spouse weren’t very “Christmassy”, it is still a time of family and friends and celebration. For those with children, there is an additional sadness. We try to fill the shoes of two parents when it is hard to even be one person. There are traditions that just seem too hard to maintain. The first Christmas after my husband died, I hung his Christmas stocking and I wrote a letter to him and stuck it inside. I continue to do this each year. Every year, I read what I’ve written in the past and then I add my new letter. Mostly I tell him what has been happening and let him know that I’m OK. It has become my Christmas tradition. I don’t have young children at home, but think it might be nice a nice way for them to include their Dad/Mom in their holiday celebrations.

It has been over 13 years for me and I don't check in here very often anymore but I'm glad that I did today. Thanks for putting into words the way I am sure many of us feel.

Bump

I think we really know that we aren't to blame. But thinking that we should have seen, should have known, could have done better, somehow makes us think we have some control. But the truth of it is that we couldn't do anything to change it. We couldn't control it. It had a life of its own. We just have to survive it. (((hugs)))

My dad died 3 years ago. What Portside said is probably the best advice I could give too. Don't get bogged down. It is stuff. Take help where it is offered.

I’ve been widowed a bit over 12 years but still can find myself really lost when I have to figure out what to do. I don’t have any interest in remarriage so I guess I have no one but myself to blame, but I sure do miss that second opinion when trying to make major decisions by myself. I just had a new furnace put in last fall. I think it was a good decision but what do I know? I had some problems between what the contract said would be done and what was actually done. I just kept hearing Jim’s voice telling me to document it all, be calm and concise but quit letting them do the “oh don’t you worry your pretty little head about this” routine. So I wrote a letter with documentation showing what was promised in the contract and what was actually done. I calmly mentioned the Better Business Bureau, contacting the state attorney general and contacting my local TV station and they soon called, apologized and made everything right. I guess that was some sort of victory. But it is also just a reminder that I’m on my own here. So I just want to say I hear you, I understand, and am more than willing to commiserate.

Thanks for sharing this Judy. The last time you linked to Medium, I also read that entry and then others you wrote. I've always enjoyed your writing (maybe enjoyed isn't quite the word to use when talking about death and being widowed but you know what I mean. LOL) and as Maureen said, this type of writing is what I regret being lost from YWBB. Thank you too for sharing the "cancer story" part. My husband has been dead a bit over 12 years and I know how hard it can still be to remember that part.

Thank you for your responses.

A friend called me last week. Her husband has cancer. I don’t need to give the details, but she said “I’ll need you. Is that OK?” I said “Yes, anytime, day or night, call or show up or whatever you need to do or need me to do.” I will help as much as I can. I don’t know the prognosis at this point but I get the feeling that it isn’t good. I hope I’m wrong. So I’ve been thinking about what I can do. I know I can listen. I know I can let her talk. I know I can let it be about her and what she needs. My husband died in 2006 and I was a member of YWBB (the place that preceded this place). It may be overly dramatic to say it (and I have been known to be overly dramatic) but YWBB saved my life. Then YWBB closed down and not only closed down but erased everything that had been written. I panicked when I saw they were doing that. I didn’t even check YWBB out much anymore since it had been years since my husband died, but I felt as if I was being erased. As if my loss had no meaning. POOF! Not worth keeping. So some wonderful people gathered us all up and made this place: WIDDA So I want to know if this place helps you. When I would check out WYBB (and I did it daily in the beginning) there were always so many people posting and commenting. You could also go back years and see what the first members wrote. Sometimes I come here and I try to say something helpful and pay back the help that I received from the long time widows. But there doesn’t seem to be much activity. I feel as if I’m just talking to myself. I’m not sure if it is just that I am no longer that hurting widow or something else. So my question is: Is this a place that helps you? I would have no hesitation to send her to WYBB but that place doesn’t exist anymore. Any comments will be appreciated. Thanks.

I’ve always been torn between two different reactions in this situation. No, I don’t want friends to feel as if they have to tiptoe around me. I don’t want friends to have to second guess everything they say. I don’t want to be hurt and sensitive and even though every second of my day was about my dead husband, I understood that my friends didn’t live the life I did. They had plans and a future and even though they may love me, they had no concept of what my life was. But. . . .how clueless can you be? If you want to drop me from your life, OK. If you can’t deal with it, don’t drag it out. Just move on. I lost some people and gained some people. Years ago, someone on YWBB said they saw friends (after being widowed) as calories. Some nourished you, some just made you fat. Let the empty calories go.

Bump

Mary Oliver died in January. She is a poet and I guess she has nothing to do with being widowed. Except that for me, she does. She is about hope and seeing the future and grabbing on to life. If you like these poems, look for more of hers. Or more of anyone's. I believe in the power of words.

I am so sorry.