SalvationsDying

I've been sending his Facebook messages, and posting things on his wall. It helps, but it doesnt. I get the feelings out. And I feel better for a second. Until I realize I'll never see his little picture drop down showing he read it. I've had a really rough day today. So has our 5 year old. I hate missing him

My Immortal - evanescence So Far Away - Avenged Sevenfold If I Die Tomorrow - Motley Crue (Our song) Fall To Pieces - Velvet Revolver

He wore a leather bikers vest daily. I got it for him as a wedding gift. He had it on the day of the accident. He loved it . The hospital had to cut it off him. I plan on having it fixed. I had a rare night where our 5 year old didn't sleep in my bed. And I cuddled it all night. I still slept like shit. But idk, I just feel a little better with it.

My dd asked me to get down dhs urn so she could hug it. I did. And broke down. My 2 year old comforted me. This isn't how it should be. I should be the one comforting them.

Never would have thought to take a photo of it. I felt so dumb yet broken, standing in the shower looking at dirt, and crying. We have a 78 vette we got from his brother. She's a project car. And his brother did some work before he deployed (which is why we had bought it from him), and we put a bunch of work in it. I've been driving it a little bit. Just to the bus stop and back. But I feel close to him in the car. It calms me. Got my tattoo all picked out for him. Just waiting until I get my finances under control. Being a stay at home mom, to suddenly being the only one here, has been a struggle. Right now the loneliness is kicking in. I don't miss sex so much, as the cuddles and closeness. Just being with him. He always slept shirtless. And a lot of nights he would pull the back of my tank top up so he could feel our skin touching. And I miss that so damn much. It was calming, and felt safe. I found a video that I can hear him talking in. It's from when he called a radio show. And it both made me laugh and cry. I remember that night well. But I miss his voice.

Hey guys, just checking in. Things are, rough. My husband worked a extremely dirty job, and would come home gross. I took a shower in his bathroom last night, and could see his hand print in dirt on the wall. I know I should clean it. I just cant. I still haven't put away our laundry. I keep trying. But I keep coming across some of his clothes and it fcks with me. Night time is horrible. I hate sleeping without him. Panic attacks and insomnia are taking over. I just can't even be bothered with life right now.

I've been, living I guess? Making it every day. Its 8pm where I am. It is the worst about this time. I've been okay today. Didn't cry, didn't break down. Still sad and missing him. But now. It hurts to breathe, my chest hurts. It's this way nightly. I fall asleep on a wet pillow most nights. Unless I read until I fall asleep. I want to be whole again

Right now im overwhemed again. I just miss him. I miss something as simple as holding hands. I'm already so lonely. How can I make it the rest of my life this way? If not for the kids I don't think I could.

I'm scared to move on even the smallest bit. I don't want to forget us. Him. Also I'm a bit emotional at the moment, our daughter noticed her tooth was loose the day it happened. She was so excited to tell daddy when he got home. She never got to tell him. And it fell out about a half hour ago. She seems pkay. But it broke my heart. This is the 2nd major milestone he has missed. And it hurts.

Only one around me that truly knows how I feel is my MIL. She lost my husband's dad when he was a teen. So she has a general idea of the shit storm I'm in the middle of. Only she's 8 hours away. I've never lived alone, and I've never parented alone. I feel overwhelmed by everything most of the time. And the smallest shit sets me off to tears. Mil is talking about moving in with me, she's been looking for jobs in my area, but she's not sure. Part of me hates that I look around and everything reminds me of him. But most of me is proud of what we built and who we were together. I miss the stuff that used to drive me crazy. Pop bottles left on the counter or nightstand, hair on the bathroom sink, socks on the floor by the couch, his code red mountain dew in the fridge... Because without them I know he is gone. That doesn't make sense to most people I guess. We were happy. We had plans. We finally got things to a stable, Apple pie sorta life. And here I am, with nothing but memories and shattered dreams. Mostly how do I raise 2 kids to remember daddy and know he was amazing, when my son won't remember him at all? How do they deserve to grow up without him?

Everyone keeps telling me I'm so strong, a inspiration. I sure as hell don't feel like it. I feel like I could fall to peices any second and never pull myself together. I Don't have a choice though. The kids need me. So I wake up everyday, have a moment of pure bliss, before I remember what a shit storm my life is at the moment.

I'm 27. I've been with my husband for 7 years. Been friends for 11. He had high blood pressure and but was under the care of a dr. He was 33. The 22nd on his way home from work he had a hemmoragic stroke. They said it caused brain stem bleeding. And he would have been brain dead before the emts showed up. He crashed into our neighbors cars. Totalled our suv and there truck. 5 houses from home. We have 2 small kids. Our 5 year old dd started school this month. We have a 2 year old son. I was a stay at home mom. Now I'm alone with no job and 2 small kids. We had plans. We should have had 50 more years. I'm angry, I'm broken, I'm sad, and numb at times. I Still want to message him in the morning and ask what he wants for dinner. Or check my phone when I wake for my good morning message I always had. I check the clock to be ready by the door when he comes home. Then I remember he wont. He was my other half. My soul mate. The only person I have been truly myself with for the last 11 years. I don't know how to do this alone.