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PaulZ

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  1. PaulZ

    We are on this board because.......

    I am here because I can learn from those that were through this before me. I want to know how to be the best solo dad I can be to my daughter, how to move my life forward as best I can. I hope what I have been through the past 2.5 years can help others in earlier stages in need of help and experience.
  2. PaulZ

    Widowed Jan 16, 2019.

    So sorry for the pain you are feeling, everyone on this board has felt that same pain. The intensity and frequency of my pain gradually lessened, and most others here seem to have had similar experiences. Hang in there, hugs
  3. I think it is really important for your kids to feel like they can be open about relationships and all the issues that come with it, even if they are unlikely to do so. I feel it's important to know their friends too, especially the ones your kids may open up to. I agree with the above opinions that safety has to be at the top of the discussion, which includes preventing pregnancy and diseases. Also, safety in terms of knowing what consent is, and not putting yourself in dangerous situations (i.e.: avoiding getting roofed at a party, being alone with someone you don't know, being intoxicated, etc). Providing condoms is a great idea, as your kids are unlikely to ask for them. Reality is lots of kids start getting sexually active by 14-16 years old (but not all do). Talking a bit about the psychological effects of romance and break-ups is important too, as it affects people of all ages. What it feels like to be rejected, how you may not think logically when in a relationship, remembering to be kind to people etc. My 14 year old daughter told me last year she was gay, so I don't need to worry so much about the teenage pregnancy issue, but we have still discussed all the above stuff i mentioned. She is very mature and luckily isn't shy to talk about these kinds of issues with me. I also think it's important for us as parents to set a good example of relationships for our kids. It doesn't take long for them to notice how we treat our partners and what we value in a relationship. If we are taking home a different person every weekend, we can't expect them to listen to us when we talk to them about safety and sex.
  4. I lost my wife when she was 39, two and a half years ago. It was an unexpected death and incredibly difficult. My father died suddenly two months ago, at the age of 73 and I can echo some of your experiences mentioned above. I had a great relationship with my dad, he was a great guy, a great father and grandfather. I did cry some when my father passed, but it is entirely different than losing a spouse, not the same level of intensity of loss whatsoever for me. I've been more focused on being there for my mother. My dad died 6 days before their 50th anniversary and they did everything together . I chatted with my mom about this exact topic this morning. Hugs to all of you,
  5. PaulZ

    When to Tell

    I also listed my status on my dating profile as widower, so there were no surprises for anyone. I've been pretty picky about dating, haven't dated many people the past 2.5 years. I am really close to my inlaws, live next door to them in a small rural community. They are awesome, will watch my daughter if I go out with friends or on a date. They wouldn't be happy if I started bringing home a different woman every weekend with my daughter at home, but I would never do that to her (or me) anyways.
  6. PaulZ

    Open wound or another cut?

    My daughter was 12 when my wife passed away. My wife had been sick since my daughter was 5 months old, but we didn't think it was life-threatening. I feel the same pains you do, Raymond. There is a part of me missing, part of my daughter's life missing. I've learned to live with it, but missed her badly at my parents' 50th wedding anniversary, then shortly after when my father died suddenly. There was no one there to share those intimate, happy, painful moments with. That's the grief that we feel inside, but isn't seen from the outside. I know everyone here gets this, that's why I like visiting here. Hugs buddy
  7. I stopped wearing mine at around 7 or 8 months, when I started to consider myself single again, it took a while to not think of myself as married anymore. I can echo the ideas of the other responses in that you should do what feels right for you and that it will feel less awkward in time talking about losing your spouse in time.
  8. PaulZ

    Dating a widowed man

    I started dating at about 10 months out. I was ready to date, but still wasn't clear-headed from the grieving process yet. That didn't come for me until almost two years after my wife passed. For me, I felt a need to fill that hole of my lost connection at that point, which I don't feel anymore. I feel more ready to really give of myself now, but don't feel the need to fill that void of lost companionship and intimacy. I feel more ready to date now than I did at 10 months out, but I agree it is different for each person. Always a good idea not to rush into anything, take your time to get to know the person, in my humble opinion.
  9. PaulZ

    O.T just be a listening therapist to me

    Hi Sugarbell, this is an incredibly difficult situation you were put in. Your father must have really loved you and your mother to have stayed with her. I have felt wronged by other relationships in my past (not as extreme as this situation), and know that holding on to bad feelings for another person(s) can really eat you up inside. Forgiveness can seem impossible in hurtful situations such as this, but in my experience, it was the only thing that brought me peace when I felt I had been wronged in family relationships. I hope you can make peace with yourself over a situation that you were unfairly put in and was beyond your control. Young people should never have to deal with such heavy burdens. Hugs
  10. PaulZ

    New Relationships....Post a Pic

    Cool, it really is the ultimate festival for Celtic music fans. I'm going to drive a bit of the Cabot Trail tomorrow with my daughter and friends to take in the beautiful Fall scenery.
  11. PaulZ

    New Relationships....Post a Pic

    Rob, is this Celtics Colours in Cape Breton, Nova Scotia? We have a festival by this name where I live.
  12. Hi Julia, so sorry you are going through this pain. Family should be a source of comfort during this time, not more distress. I hope your mom and kids can help support you. I have found lots of wisdom from people that have endured similar circumstances as myself on this forum. I hope you do as well.
  13. Yes, people don't get it unless they've been through it. I helped facilitate a group talk on grief years ago, when my wife was still alive, and now look back and think "That was really stupid/naive what I said" about a few things. Even the people closest to us have a hard time understanding what we are going through. I would advise to try not to judge these people too harshly, they just don't understand that what they are saying is inappropriate. Most people mean well, but don't know what to say. That being said, some people are idiots too haha.
  14. I'm feeling you might be laying things on a bit heavy if this is the conversation on the first date..
  15. PaulZ

    Days on repeat

    I had a lot of hopelessness and felt like life was purposeless for a long time, especially after the shock eased off and the pain became less intense. I'm over two years out now and just starting to feel like I've found my new normal, where I can start to enjoy life again. I think it's very normal what you are going through. Having to be there for my daughter was a motivator for me to keep getting through each day when I felt like I couldn't or didn't care. Just keep making it through today for now, try not to look too far ahead. Hugs


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