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PaulZ

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  1. PaulZ

    When to Tell

    I also listed my status on my dating profile as widower, so there were no surprises for anyone. I've been pretty picky about dating, haven't dated many people the past 2.5 years. I am really close to my inlaws, live next door to them in a small rural community. They are awesome, will watch my daughter if I go out with friends or on a date. They wouldn't be happy if I started bringing home a different woman every weekend with my daughter at home, but I would never do that to her (or me) anyways.
  2. PaulZ

    Open wound or another cut?

    My daughter was 12 when my wife passed away. My wife had been sick since my daughter was 5 months old, but we didn't think it was life-threatening. I feel the same pains you do, Raymond. There is a part of me missing, part of my daughter's life missing. I've learned to live with it, but missed her badly at my parents' 50th wedding anniversary, then shortly after when my father died suddenly. There was no one there to share those intimate, happy, painful moments with. That's the grief that we feel inside, but isn't seen from the outside. I know everyone here gets this, that's why I like visiting here. Hugs buddy
  3. I stopped wearing mine at around 7 or 8 months, when I started to consider myself single again, it took a while to not think of myself as married anymore. I can echo the ideas of the other responses in that you should do what feels right for you and that it will feel less awkward in time talking about losing your spouse in time.
  4. PaulZ

    Dating a widowed man

    I started dating at about 10 months out. I was ready to date, but still wasn't clear-headed from the grieving process yet. That didn't come for me until almost two years after my wife passed. For me, I felt a need to fill that hole of my lost connection at that point, which I don't feel anymore. I feel more ready to really give of myself now, but don't feel the need to fill that void of lost companionship and intimacy. I feel more ready to date now than I did at 10 months out, but I agree it is different for each person. Always a good idea not to rush into anything, take your time to get to know the person, in my humble opinion.
  5. PaulZ

    O.T just be a listening therapist to me

    Hi Sugarbell, this is an incredibly difficult situation you were put in. Your father must have really loved you and your mother to have stayed with her. I have felt wronged by other relationships in my past (not as extreme as this situation), and know that holding on to bad feelings for another person(s) can really eat you up inside. Forgiveness can seem impossible in hurtful situations such as this, but in my experience, it was the only thing that brought me peace when I felt I had been wronged in family relationships. I hope you can make peace with yourself over a situation that you were unfairly put in and was beyond your control. Young people should never have to deal with such heavy burdens. Hugs
  6. PaulZ

    New Relationships....Post a Pic

    Cool, it really is the ultimate festival for Celtic music fans. I'm going to drive a bit of the Cabot Trail tomorrow with my daughter and friends to take in the beautiful Fall scenery.
  7. PaulZ

    New Relationships....Post a Pic

    Rob, is this Celtics Colours in Cape Breton, Nova Scotia? We have a festival by this name where I live.
  8. Hi Julia, so sorry you are going through this pain. Family should be a source of comfort during this time, not more distress. I hope your mom and kids can help support you. I have found lots of wisdom from people that have endured similar circumstances as myself on this forum. I hope you do as well.
  9. Yes, people don't get it unless they've been through it. I helped facilitate a group talk on grief years ago, when my wife was still alive, and now look back and think "That was really stupid/naive what I said" about a few things. Even the people closest to us have a hard time understanding what we are going through. I would advise to try not to judge these people too harshly, they just don't understand that what they are saying is inappropriate. Most people mean well, but don't know what to say. That being said, some people are idiots too haha.
  10. I'm feeling you might be laying things on a bit heavy if this is the conversation on the first date..
  11. PaulZ

    Days on repeat

    I had a lot of hopelessness and felt like life was purposeless for a long time, especially after the shock eased off and the pain became less intense. I'm over two years out now and just starting to feel like I've found my new normal, where I can start to enjoy life again. I think it's very normal what you are going through. Having to be there for my daughter was a motivator for me to keep getting through each day when I felt like I couldn't or didn't care. Just keep making it through today for now, try not to look too far ahead. Hugs
  12. PaulZ

    The first one out the gate

    I dated a woman in the winter who was quite nice, we went on 3 dates with lots of texting/facetiming daily in between. We had a 3 hour drive to see each other. I knew she wasn't Mrs. Right after date #2, but we had already booked a wine and food event, so went on date #3. I debated how I felt about seeing someone while knowing it wasn't a long term fit. In the end, it didn't feel right to me or fair to her to continue seeing each other, as she had fallen more for me than I had for her. The physical connection is great when you haven't had that in a while, but I kept things from going too far so as not to make a break up more hurtful. I guess my questions for you KrypticKat would be, "Does he think this is just casual dating, or does he want to be in a serious relationship?", and are you happy with that arrangement if he is? If you are both content with having someone to go on dates with, with knowing it may not end up as a long term thing, then no one is getting hurt in my opinion. In my case, it didn't feel right to continue and progress physically too, because I knew she wanted more than casual dating and I knew she wasn't the right person for me. Hope this is somewhat helpful?
  13. Sc39, my heart goes out to you. I had the very same thoughts and feelings as you. I am now over 2 years since my wife passed away at the age of 39 (I had been planning a surprise 40th birthday party). I echo what Wheeler's Wife said in that you can only put one foot in front of the other for now. I had the feeling of complete emptiness, lack of joy or hope for well over a year. It felt like there was literally a hole in my heart, brain and stomach. I had an ulcer for over a year, pains every day in my stomach. My wife had been sick with epilepsy and other cognitive issue for 12 of our 15 years of marriage. When you've found that special person, you tend to map out the future, the progression of your children, travel, future retirement etc. Then that is all gone in an instant. It's incredibly hard to process, impossible to live in the moment for a long time. My head was in a fog for over a year and a half. I also felt that missing half of who I was, tried to figure out my identity again. Good advice from the others in that you know your partner would want you to live a happy, full life, even though we are not ready to feel happy for a long time. Also good advice not to rush anything or make any big decisions for a while. I don't think any of us "move on", I think it's a terrible phrase (which I had to tell my mother not to use). But we can learn to live with the scar and see what is ahead of us eventually. Hugs, Paul
  14. I joined an online dating site about 9 months after LW passed away, went to supper with a couple women before meeting a woman I really liked. We went on about 5-6 dates and I thought we were really hitting it off. I was surprised when she called things off, saying she wasn't having the feelings she needed. I was disappointed because we had become quite intimate (which is a big deal to me). It was my first time really dating someone in 20 years and was a good lesson to take things slowly and remind me of what I wanted and what I valued in relationships. I went out with a couple other women in the past year on a few dates and made myself take things more slowly, which felt more normal for me. I thought I was ready to date at the time, but I was still going through some of the stages of grief for sure. It's over two years now since LW passed away, and I only feel like I've really found myself again in the last few months. I haven't dated anyone since February and am fairly content with this. I let my online dating subscriptions run out. If I meet someone where there is a spark, fantastic, but I'm not really searching anymore and feel happy. I have a teenage daughter who was very anxious about my dating, so that plays a role as well in how much I date. If I meet someone I really like, I will pursue it, but I don't want to be leaving my daughter all the time to be dating a different woman every month. Things will have to get very serious before I bring a woman to my home where my wife and I lived our whole lives together (it will feel strange to me and my daughter at first for sure). I may be over cautious, but I don't want to cause my daughter to be anxious by bringing home a different woman every month, I also feel this doesn't set a good example for her for when she starts dating. I guess all our considerations are different. The things I miss the most are having someone who knows you inside out, having someone to plan and do fun things with. The physical part is lonely sometimes too, but I can live with that.
  15. PaulZ

    Triggers in public places

    I've had similar feelings traveling, I know what you mean. Vacations are always a memory-making time with family, and we will never make memories again with our lost partners and it stings, always will. I was away for a work conference that my wife used to attend with me and this most recent trip often went to bed early when everyone else was starting to party, very unlike me, but it just didn't feel right going out, still when it felt like she should be there. This was 1.5 years after my wife passed. Had another person ask if I brought condoms with me to the conference in case I picked up someone there, as I was by myself. The physical intimacy is great, but not what I really am looking for without the connection with someone. Not judging anyone who is comfortable with that, it's just not how I am wired. I had a couple cries that week, even though I was in a beautiful place with lots of friends, grief is a long process...


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