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  1. PaulZ

    Only 28, what now?

    So sorry for your loss and that your life has turned upside down. It's impossible to wrap your brain around it for a while. I felt the same as far as not being able to relate to anyone for a while, there is an overwhelming pain that takes time to become less intense. Hang in there. There are people here who have been through similar painful loss and have good advice and can share their experiences. Take care
  2. PaulZ

    Celebrating his birthday

    We eat cheesecake, it used to get my wife so excited, makes me think of what a fun person she was.
  3. A lot of your experience resonates with me. I lost my wife a few months before you lost yours, Steve. I was 42 at the time. I don't think of it as letting go of the person. I think of it as learning to live life as an individual again, learning to live in the moment again, no longer living in the past when your partner was alive (I believe they are still around us as spirits).
  4. PaulZ

    Talking to Young Children About Heaven

    I think you've handled this well Captain's Wife, while still keeping an eye that he doesn't want to go to heaven before his natural time on Earth is over. My daughter was 12 when my wife passed away, and we are not very religious, but we both know there is a spiritual world and that my wife is watching over us (in a good way). She has reached out to friends through mediums in a way that leaves us no doubt of this. My daughter and I feel closer to her at home than in a Church or at her grave.
  5. The holiday season can be a tough time. I struggled hard y first one, had tears streaming down my face in church on Christmas Eve. Having friends and family around helped me a lot, but I couldn't enjoy it. It is certainly better now, this will be my fourth Xmas since my wife passed, and I can enjoy the holidays again, but have some sad moments and thoughts mixed in. The first year, survival is a good way to put it. Hugs
  6. PaulZ

    What would you do??

    I don't think anything good can come from letting them know, and as you said, plenty of potential problems. If they haven't tried to contact him in ten years, you owe them nothing ethically.
  7. PaulZ

    Marriage after widowhood

    Sorry to hear this Rob. I've been dating a wonderful lady since January who gets along very well with my daughter. I have some apprehension about when we get to the stage of moving in together (which is likely at least a year away). I hate to mess with something that works so well, and still need to get to know her a lot better to know if we can live together. I'm hoping she also wants to transition to this stage slowly to test how it goes before fully diving in. After all we've been through as widows/widowers, at this stage of life, blending our lives with someone else has lots of potential risks. I hope you find the solution that makes you happy, My girlfriend has remarked many times how she's never had a relationship this easy before. I told her it shouldn't be hard all the time(of course there will be bumps along the way though). Best of luck.
  8. Hi S, it is very thoughtful of you to join our group to help understand what your brother is going through. I lost my wife over 3 years ago. At the stage he is at (7 months since his wife passed), i was not comfortable still in most social settings, but appreciated having family around during holidays or other meaningful dates. My best advice is to just be yourselves, but don't be offended if your brother needs a little space or down time. I wouldn't change much from your normal routine, but be prepared to roll with it if he doesn't participate as he used to. He's lucky to have a brother who wants to understand and help him. Good for you!
  9. PaulZ

    Just Trudging Forward

    Hi Steph, 19 months is still early in the healing process, although I know some days feel purposeless and seem to take forever to pass. I remember at about 2 years starting to feel like I had found my identity again, something very difficult after being one half of a whole for so many years. I can now smile and laugh when I think of my wife most of the time, although there is still the odd day when I am sad. It's been over 3 years for me. I've met someone really wonderful, but I will always have that hurt inside me.
  10. My daughter, who was 12 when my wife passed away 3 years ago, was very resistant to any change in our house for at least a year. Any suggested change in furniture, painting rooms, etc was upsetting to her. For her, I feel it made her feel we were moving on from her mother and forgetting her. It's pretty complex stuff psychologically, especially depending on the age. I've tried to show patience and understanding with these issues, trying to honour and remember my wife while still finding ways for life to progress the way it needs to. You know your child better than anyone else, My daughter also had fears for a while after my wife died of "what if you died too, what would happen to me?". I tried to explain, that the chances of something happening to me are very small, and that I have documents in place that she would be with her grandparents who love her very much if that were to ever happen. I think that helped her to know there was at least some thought and planning put into that terrifying possibility for her. I also am more risk-averse, avoiding any dangerous situations or activities, knowing I am her only living parent and being cognizant of that myself.
  11. I can remember going through some of those first events as well Cassie and dreading them. I had a hard time going to social events in public for months after my wife died. My head was in a different space then, as I'm sure yours is now. It's totally ok for you to have a cry at these functions if that's what you feel like. I had tears falling down my cheeks at the Christmas service in church (the first time I went back to church, 6 months after my wife died). All these events hurt like hell, especially the first time, it will be less painful as the years pass. It's been over 3 years for me and I can feel less sad and live in the moment better at these types of events now. My dad died last September, his birthday is tomorrow, the anniversary of his death is Sept 15, and my parents' wedding anniversary is Sept21, so I'm feeling very sad for my mom as these dates approach, knowing how she will be feeling. Hugs to you on this tough stretch. Paul
  12. While Mike may have made some assumptions and presented his opinion in a way that offended you, I do agree it is important to make sure you have reviewed all your other household expenses to see if there are ways you can cut back on anything that is not essential so the financial help provided by your in-laws is at a minimum. My in-laws help me with many things that are not financial because of the love of their granddaughter and would help financially if I need them to. Your child will have to grow up without her father, which is very unfair to her, I don't think you should feel bad for accepting help where your in-laws are willing and able. As a side note, I think it is unfair for everyone here to attack Mike for his opinion. He was honest about his view and past experience even though he made some assumptions that weren't accurate. I feel this forum would be less helpful if everyone told us what they thought we wanted to hear, instead of giving honest feedback. The internet allows us all to personally attack each other without consequences, but it doesn't make any of us better people for having done so. Treating everyone with respect when giving honest opinions and when reacting to honest opinions makes this a better forum for us all in my opinion. My wife passed away 3 years ago, so I am on a similar timeline as yourself STHOMP0291, hang in there, being a solo parent can be very tough. Take care
  13. PaulZ

    facing my inner demon....

    It will be 3 years for me on Wednesday , one of the most helpful things said was when a priest visited at the house a couple days after my wife passed. I'm not strongly religious, but he knew what would help me. Before saying "Hello", he said " Don't doubt yourself" three times in a row. I always went back to that when I would start with the "what if's". Of course we would change anything to go back and time and save our partners, but it only hurts us to think that way. We have to accept what happened and learn to live with it and remember their love, that's all we can do.
  14. PaulZ

    Went on first coffee date

    Widower40, good for you! I was about 7 months before I went on my first date. My wife passed almost 3 years ago. I haven't dated a lot in the past 2.5 years, met one lady I really liked at about a year out, but distance was too big an issue to build anything together. I met someone special in January. It did feel a lot the same as when I met my wife. She made me smile, laugh, and shake my head(in a good way). I have forced myself to take things fairly slowly, to protect my feelings and those of my daughter, who is now 15. Odds are you will date a few women before finding Mrs. Right, try to enjoy yourself along the way!
  15. I can relate as well RyanAmysMom. I've met someone really wonderful, we've been seeing each other since January. She lives about an hour's drive away. I would love to see her everyday, and she has the freedom at the moment where she could spend more time at my place. We currently see each other about 3-4 days a month, although we talk every day. My daughter is 15 and my wife passed away 3 years ago. I know my daughter needs this to be a gradual progression in my new relationship, so we are taking it slow. I have some vacation in July where my girlfriend will be able to spend more time with us, but I would love to be with her all the time. She has been sleeping in the spare bedroom when we are at my place cuz I know that would still bother my daughter at this point if she was sleeping with me in my bedroom where my wife used to sleep. Again, I'd like for her to be in my room, but I know what's best longterm is to take this one step at a time, and my girlfriend is vey understanding about this. There is a part of me that would like to be selfish and just do what I want, but I know in the end it is best this way by respecting my daughter's feelings.

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