conflicted

I have posted but have not yet introduced myself. I'm conflicted because I feel conflicted between my grief while still being in love with my DH and my new feelings of love for New Guy; conflicted with moving on and feeling guilty for still laughing, breathing and living without DH. My DH died a month before his 35th birthday. He was a severely sick for a week, throwing up constantly. I had just taken him on a vacation so he didn't have any days off left from work (he was a mechanic, so manual labor). One day he fell and hit his head on the wooden dining room table, then again on the wooden floor. He didn't tell me until the day after it happened. I told him to go to the hospital or doctor, but he insisted that he was fine. (I will never forgive myself for not persisting about going to the hospital) 2 days later, I came home from work and found him face down, slumped over on the bedroom floor. I thought he had passed out so I called his name and tried to shake him awake. Then I rolled him over onto his back and that's when I saw the most horrifying sight of my entire life that still haunts me a hundred times each day. I can still hear myself screaming (my neighbor in the next building over heard my screams). 911 made me do chest compressions on him even though it was OBVIOUS he was already gone :'( When the cops came, they wouldn't let me back in the bedroom to see him, so that was the last time I saw him besides in his casket with a ton of makeup on..... I had to keep my composure to talk to the medical examiner as I watched the coroner's van drive away with DH in it. :'( Autopsy came back inconclusive but it had to have been from a head injury, as his toxicology report came back clean and he was otherwise healthy, active and lean. It sucks not knowing for sure what actually killed him, but I hope he passed out before he actually went. I regret not being there for him. We used to meet up at home for lunch every day because we both worked so close. The one fucking day I had a work lunch meeting is the day he died during lunch. I got my last text message from him around 12:30. His phone showed the last message he sent (to his best friend) around 1:00pm. I didn't get home until 5:00pm that day. I had to make that dreadful phone call to his mother. Then to his work. Then his friends. I was back at work after only a week and a half. I don't know how, but I found the strength to somehow focus on my work. I needed that distraction so I put in a lot of long hours. I've found that I'm emotionally stronger than I had ever imagined. I keep my composure every day and held it together for his family - especially for his mother who is already frail and in her 70's. He was her baby. I miss my DH every minute of every day. Sometimes it feels like he is still here because he is so alive in my memories. I will forever love him and even 10 1/2 months out, I am still in denial. Suppression and avoidance is my coping mechanism. I am thankful for this forum because I've tried therapy and find that face-to-face sessions make things worse. Even if no one reads my posts, it is helpful to get this all out through writing. Thank God for family, friends, and pets. And thank God for Klonopin and wine.

Fuck the people who asked me at 4 months "so, how's your love life?" Um...he's DEAD! Fuck the person who asked me if my DH "smelled" when I found his lifeless body on the floor after work (4 hrs too late) Fuck the people who give me advice based off them losing someone not even close to them Fuck the people who told me to "move on" after only 3 or 4 months of grieving Fuck the people who think I'm back to normal just because I put up a great facade and keep up with my routine Fuck the people who keep bringing up my DH's death without any consideration of my PTSD and that I DON'T WANT TO FUCKING TALK ABOUT HIS DEATH WHILE I'M EATING Fuck the person who told me a few weeks out that I'm young and have my whole life ahead of me. My DH WAS my life asshole Fuck the people who tell me how I should cope just because they have lost someone. We all cope differently. And we all experienced a loss differently Fuck Halloween. I hate seeing any more corpses... Fuck those who do not honor my DH when he spent his moments alive trying to help them Fuck these weird dreams I keep having about DH lately. My dreams of him used to be so beautiful Fuck my brain for constantly remembering bad images. I want to remember him ALIVE Fuck tv and the media for being so OBSESSED with death and morbid forensic details Fuck my DH's stepmom for being so petty and cold-hearted to me during his funeral and even months after. Btw, he hated you bitch! Fuck the people who told me I looked great when I lost 50 lbs in 4 months from grieving Fuck the people who act like I'm fat now because I'm finally eating and am at a healthy 120 lbs instead of 114 (when I was originally 160) Fuck me for being such a wus and not visiting my DH's grave anymore :'( I just can't handle it

I used to dream about my DH a few times a week after he died. So much so that I typed them up in a journal because they were so vivid. Not all of the dreams had a message; most of the time we were just hanging out together while he didn't really say much (kind of like old times). He looked so healthy and more gorgeous than ever in all of my dreams. The last meaningful dream I had about him was at about the 6 month mark. I was lonely, devastated, and about to lose my mind. I was hanging onto every memory, every item, every dream of him just to force myself to get through each day. I broke down each day and kept asking him (his picture) what am I supposed to do without you? I feel he came to me in this particular dream.... I dreamed that he and I were inside this large round hallway with red carpeting - which also happened to be a stairwell inside some place. Every now and then you would reach a plateau that brought you outside to other people and what looked almost like shops or places to go inside and do things. This dream was nice because this time he and I were actually talking a lot and were joking around with each other very playfully - lots of laughter. We kept ascending the stairs inside, when suddenly he stopped. He turned around to look at me and started to let go of my hand while proceeding up the steps. For some reason, I did not proceed with him. It was almost as if I was not supposed to. Was this him telling me it was time for me to let go? That he had to continue on to the next phase or afterlife? About a few weeks after that dream is when I started hanging out with my current New Guy, who happened to reach out to me to see if I was doing ok. Needless to say, I obviously haven't let go of DH (and probably never will). But I have moved on to new love.

It seems every little thing is a trigger for me. The biggest one for me is - though I moved to a different town 30 minutes away, I still work in the same town where DH and I used to have a condo. So I have to drive through our old town almost every fucking day. Songs....I have to shut off the radio sometimes just to avoid a meltdown when one of our songs comes on. Stuff....I still have some of our old furniture, appliances, and other little things we shared together. Getting a pen out of the cabinet or simply turning on the lamp gets me down. I haven't used my stove in my new apt in the 8 months I've been there. I can't bear to use the same pots/pans and dishes without DH there to serve dinner to. My new microwave has served me each night. Pet....I love my cat like he was my child (I would anyway). But there is another deeper love for my pet, since DH loved our cat and used to spend many nights falling asleep with him.

After 8 1/2 years together, this past Feb was my 1st Valentine's Day without my DH. So I wrote this poem on V-Day: Solemn Valentine Your kisses forever washed from my lips The only touch - of your pictures with my fingertips No longer embracing you, but now your soul; My beloved turned angelic, and now only memories I can hold Blue skies, when I looked in your eyes; My man who changed my world My heart is still yours, though lost this lonely girl Still anchored deeper with time My rock is gone, no support onto me for him to imbue So it is in my dreams where I will find you No roses this time from my Valentine Though severed from life, we are never apart Rest in heavenly bliss, my beloved sweetheart. (Conflicted)

Thanks for your insight Pammy. It's nice to know that I am not alone in this new relationship circumstance and that no one can put a time limit on when to move forward and when to love again. I think your situation is beautiful that you were both able to find each other to lean on and build a new life with. DH will always be in my heart forever, no matter what, but it feels good to love again. I love someone new in a different way and I live almost a polar opposite life than I had before. I understand what you mean about doing what you have to do to maintain your sanity. And the whole label thing on my position from my past relationship to this one...It took me a long time to figure out exactly where I was with that and now I realize that it really doesn't matter. What matters is how you feel and how well you are managing with where you are at.

I have been widowed only 9 1/2 months. I was with DH 8 1/2 years. I allowed myself to fully grieve and to grieve mostly alone with the support of friends, family, and a grief counselor. After only 6 months, I started dating New Guy - an old friend from high school (whom I've known about 20 years). I was not looking for someone new, it just sort of happened. New guy had reached out to me a few times to make sure I was ok and offered to meet for coffee or lunch, which I had declined on a few occasions. Finally, after the 6 month mark, I was going insane. Having lost 50 lbs in the first 4 months with much hair loss and 1 problem away from being locked in an asylum, I needed a friend; someone to pull me out of my fog. I had no expectations, but ended up connecting with New guy. He had experienced a few tragic losses of his own, so he could relate to my level of grief. It was as if we were meant to be brought together during that specific time. He is always there for me, he cares for me, he is absolutely everything I could have asked for. But I still mourn my DH every single day. And I feel immense guilt for having moved on and for being happy with someone else. I am still very conflicted and torn between my different emotions. He has a daughter, whereas, I have no kids. I feel like we have moved in a fast pace, but at the same time, it just feels right. And for that, I feel even guiltier. :-[ I don't feel like I've been thrust into this new relationship, as it was my own choice - knowing what is in front of me. I just still feel uncertainty at times because I'm so conflicted and confused with my emotions and grief. It's like I want to move forward, yet I can't let go. Lucky for me, New Guy is incredibly patient, understanding, and sympathetic with my situation. Not once has he ever complained about the necklaces from DH that I still wear, or the picture of us on my apartment shelf, or when I still talk about DH a lot, or just him knowing that I am still in love with DH. New Guy is always there to comfort me. It's what I needed. The feeling of loving another is very confusing. It's strange because some people told me to start dating at 4 or 5 months, which PISSED ME OFF. But only a couple of months later, I ended up with New Guy. I feel like it's too soon, but even DH's own mother gave me her blessing and said she is glad that I can find happiness in someone else, especially since I'm still somewhat young (36). Life has shown me the hard way that it is sometimes too short, so we must not spend too much time being stuck in depression. Yes - grieve. But no - do not limit yourself from life or its joys. It sucks it took a traumatic tragedy to make me realize this and to appreciate life more. I just wish I could get to the point where I am no longer so guilt-ridden :'(

Midnight Man, The 6 month mark was rough for me as well. (It still has only been 9 1/2 months now) I had occupied myself with rearranging my whole life, but when 6 months came along I realized - it has been half a year since I tragically lost him. After 8 1/2 years of being with someone and living with them, then one day you are alone without them forever.....I had the feeling that I couldn't be alone anymore and didn't want to keep feeling so empty every day with no hope in sight; I was ready to give up on life. I talk to his picture every day and I kept asking him "what am I supposed to do without you??" And I truly believed he (and God) answered me. It was about that time that an old friend from high school kept contacting me to see if I was ok. He had been in contact before, but I was so lost in my own grief that I never really responded. So finally I thought what else have I got to lose? Luckily, we had a connection, he was able to relate from his own experiences of loss, and has been there for me ever since. I still feel tremendous guilt for being able to find happiness and laughter, but at some point, we all have to keep living life. There is no time limit on when you are emotionally ready to do this, but it certainly does help to have someone there and to allow yourself to laugh and smile. And if you are not ready, I can tell you that finding something that you enjoy to occupy your time helps to keep your mind busy on other things. I hope you have others to lean on and can find some sort of comfort in hobbies or things that you enjoy doing. Don't give up and hang onto the good memories of your wife. <Hugs>

I don't know what it was about the 6 month mark that made me go insane. The first 5 months were hard enough and I did allow myself to grieve fully and naturally, but I had managed to rearrange my entire life, learned to try and be "normal" again, and got myself into a new routine of working long hours and drowning myself in tv as an escape. However, when 6 months rolled around, I realized that half a year had gone by since I had lost him. It was exactly as you mentioned - that my mind was re-releasing all that emotion and memories of what happened. Realization hit - he is never coming back. I thought, how the hell did I function all these months?? And now I'm ALONE. The calls/texts slowed down. People stopped checking on me regularly because I seemed to be "ok" since I was functioning well with work, taking care of myself, and holding down my own life and responsibilities. I tried so hard to be strong in front of everyone (and still do that today). But at 6 months I realized that I just could not be alone anymore and that I didn't want to feel that intense pain anymore. I wanted to find some type of happiness so life would not seem so pointless. Luckily, I found a little comfort and support in an old friend, who occupied my time from there on. The pain never goes away, but it does help to keep these good memories and to find a hobby, friends or something that can be a good distraction so you are not just left there with own thoughts. I hope you find some type of comfort and are able to once again enjoy things that you like. And remember only the good memories. <Hugs>