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Wife of Tomasz

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  1. Wife of Tomasz

    I can feel my heart again and it hurts

    I have not dated, and don't see that in my future, but I did have a crush on someone recently. It freaked me out so much. I didn't think I was capable of such feelings again. Such a mixed bag of emotions. WTF is right. But I guess now I know that I am able to having human emotions for another person again. Definitely not ready for it though. This is a great thread as I'm sure a lot of us widowed people feel this way the first time.
  2. Wife of Tomasz

    I'm suffocating

    I have all of Toms things as they where also. Toothbrush in the toothbrush holder, shoes on the shoe rack. Don't see that changing, ever.
  3. Wife of Tomasz

    I'm suffocating

    Hi Bubu, hugs to you. I have not changed much in my home since Tom left this world either (although somehow it feels like a lot of things in our place have changed). Change in our home gives me quite a bit of anxiety, as I feel like the world is erasing him, and I don't want him erased from our home too. I am 3 years and 8 month out. For the longest time I isolated myself. I could not handle most people and just wanted to be alone at home. Strangely after the 3 1/2 year mark, I felt a shift in this feeling. All of a sudden I need people to distract me ( I somehow feel much more tolerance for people now, although they still say stupid things. And I don't feel like I can really connect to anyone.) I guess what Im saying is that I can relate to how you are feeling as I am kind of going through a similar shift in my grief. Its a strange change, but then again nothing on this grief journey is predictable. Hope that the anxiety lessens for you soon, and that there are better days ahead.
  4. Wife of Tomasz

    There are worse things than death

    so much pain... no words
  5. Wife of Tomasz

    Anniversary

    oh man, Lmsmdm I could see how that would be really hard. I scattered Tom's ashes in the Coliseum (a place he always wanted to see, but never did). I would be devastated if something happened to that place. Hugs
  6. Wife of Tomasz

    Life after life

    Bubu27, I don't have any concrete ideas about what happens to us after death. But like you the thought that I will see Tom again, is the only thing that keeps me going many days.
  7. Wife of Tomasz

    Praying for Toronto

    thank you jeudi
  8. Wife of Tomasz

    Having trouble functioning

    When I was a year and a half out I took 3 month of work. It was the first time that I really let myself fall apart, as I did not take much time of when it first happened. The first 2 month where probably the worst time I had ever had. I did not leave the house, some days I wouldn't eat at all. It was really bad, and the more I let myself fall apart, the harder it was to pull myself back together. (I should say that I have no kids.) I realized then just how much good the forced routine of work had done for me. The last month I went to see my sister in another country. I did not want to go, but she made me promise, so I had no choice. To my surprise the change in scenery was great for me. I was away from our home, and I could imagine that I was on vacation and he was waiting for me at home. When I came back, I felt the best I have up to that point. The lighter feeling did not last that long, but it was what I needed to break the downwards spiral I was in. That was my experience anyway. If there is something that you can do to change things up for a while may also work for you as it did for me. Hugs
  9. Wife of Tomasz

    Praying for Toronto

    I live in Toronto, Canada. My heart is very heavy today for all those who are affected by the cruel massacre that happened here yesterday. We here at widda all know how quickly our whole world can turn upside down. Unfortunately we have new members to this club that no one wants to be a part of. So many lives take, and their families that find themselves in this hell of grief. Unfortunately all I can do is pray for them.
  10. Wife of Tomasz

    Broken

    Hi Cyndi, I was 29 when Tom died. That was 2 1/2 years ago. He also died suddenly. The shock was so intense I don't remember most of the first year. It is very hard to make sense of something so senseless. One min they are here the next they are gone. I spent a long time going over the "what ifs" and "if onlys". I don't do that much anymore. I have found out that death comes swiftly, in so many different ways, and there is rarely any time to react until it is too late. We also did not have a chance to have children, so I know how extremely lonely it feels now. I never knew that it was possible to feel so alone. I can tell you that the pain is manageable for me now (on most days). You are in shock, its your body's way of protecting itself. It will take a long time but it will not be this hard forever. My mantra has been " do whatever you need to to get through the day". hugs. feel free to send me a personal message if you feel like talking.
  11. Wife of Tomasz

    Three plus Months Sober!

    Congrats Bear! Glad that you are doing better. I myself use alcohol to self medicate too much.
  12. Wife of Tomasz

    Saying Goodbye - Last Words

    I think this is a great topic so I want to add my story. I do not remember the last words. Actually the last thing he said was in polish and I do not speak it so I did not understand. I will always wonder what it was that he said. That night he had a bit to drink and he was always very mooshy when inebriated. He said so many wonderful things to me, how he couldn't wait for me to get home from work everyday, how much he loved me, and things like that. The thing he said that I remember most often these days is this "I will never leave you". He had never said that to me before. At first those words haunted me, but now I find a lot of comfort in them.
  13. I wanted to start a new topic. Hoping that others will share ideas and what they have done to keep little parts of their person in their daily live's. I do not have many recordings of Tom's voice, but I do have one where he laughs. He had a big laugh that would fill the room, not even sure how to describe it, no one laughs like he did, it was as unique as his finger print. I clipped the audio recording and set it as my ring tone on my phone, now I get to hear him laugh everyday. Pls share your own stories.


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