Bubu27

I hear you Simon and know all too well how you feel. I too, sometimes, stop and think it is not possible Ken is gone.But he is gone and even now, 4 trs later I find it hard to comprehend. Some ppl recover faster then others but every time I read your posts, it is like I was reading my own from 4 yrs ago. Unfortunately it will hurt, possibly lessen on intensity as time goes by but the deep black hole will never disappear. As for getting a hobby, was advised that too by a nurse, probably a few weeks after Ken passed away. She probably meant well (probably never been through a loss herself) but there was/ is/ will be no hobby/ nothing/ noone in the whole wide world that could make the pain go away.

Yep, agree with all you both said. Sometimes I wonder how come I managed to survive the loss of Ken and now one or two idiots at work can make me lose my cool. But you are right @donswife, before we had the back-up and now it's gone. Sometimes when I feel really low I try to think what Ken would say to me and I usually know and right then stop giving a shit:)

Rudderless, You have been through a lot and as everyone said, 4 months after such a loss is nothing. Wish there was an universal advice of how to lessen the suffering but sadly there is none. It will be raw and unbearable but you will get through this. As for his family, death brings the worst out of people. I know from experience. Try not to waste your energy on them x

Looks like Christmas/NY period is equally hard for you too. I too thought it would get easier but it doesn't. Each year I re-live what had happened day by day. Let's hang in there together x I am glad you did too. Ken was 53 when he passed away so your ID is Ken's wink from Heaven And thank you for you kind words but deep down I know I should have gone with him to A&E that day. With sepsis every hour counts - the earlier it is caught, the more chances one has to survive. He had his first clear symptoms on NYE and if you think we went to hospital late on 6th and Ken only got diagnosed in the evening of 7th Jan, you will see why I still feel guilt. Not that I think about i all the time (like I did in the first year or so) but there will always be a part of me wondering what if..

Another New Year's Eve and another awful time that will last from today till 2nd Feb On New Year's Eve 2015 Ken felt unwell. He woke me up at 3am, shivering yet baking hot. He started throwing up violently so I helped him to the bath and started cleaning the bedroom. Next morning he was weak, a little feverish but we put it down on his hangover. The very same day though he started limping and couldn't put any pressure on his left foot. Again, we thought he must have slipped in the bath. 2 days later, Sunday 3rd Jan, since his condition wasn't improving, we called his son and he helped Ken to A&E. I stayed home finishing an essay for my studies. Something I will never forgive myself for. I asked Ken a million times to mention vomiting, shivering and high fever but he didn't. He went to A&E with his left foot and that's what he focused on. Had I gone with him as every good wife would, I would have mentioned those symptoms and he could have been saved. For the next few days Ken was feeling pretty much the same, little feverish, feeling hot and cold in turns, no appetite. Common cold symptoms so no alarms bells rang. On 6th Jan I called him on my lunch break and noticed his speech was a bit slurred, still no appetite but other then this he seemed OK. When I came home though around 7pm I found him in bed, looking feverish and confused. Only then he told me he was in pain allover, couldn't move and didn't get out of bed all day. He asked for a bottle of cold Fanta so I run to the shop to get him one. On my way back I stopped by our neighbour. When I told him about Ken, he said it was time to call an ambulance. I tried to help Ken get dressed but it was impossible, his body was stiff and he couldn't move a single muscle. When paramedics finally arrived, they injected Ken with some strong painkillers, covered him with blankets, put in the wheelchair and we went to hospital. It didn't cross my mind that would be the last time my husband left home. On 7th Jan Ken celebrated Christmas so I left work early to buy him some underwear and pyjamas (I didn't pack anything the previous evening).I wrapped it up in a golden paper as a proper Christmas gift. When I saw Ken in hospital, he was awake but more confused then the day before. He looked at me, smiled but then fell fast asleep. He managed to call the nurse and say - This is my Christmas gift from my wife, before dozing off. He was so happy and proud. A few hours later, with Ken fast asleep and just as I was ready to go home, his doctor came and said they just discovered what was wrong -Ken had blood poisoning and they said they were very worried about him. They also said he needed an emergency back surgery the very same evening so they put us in an ambulance and transferred to another specialist hospital. I remember being so shocked by this sudden news that I started vomiting in the ambulance. Once in hospital they took Ken straight to the theatre and the surgery started. One of the consultants came up to me and said it was cauda equina and had we come a few hours later, Ken would have been paralysed from waist down. I thought it was our lucky day. Surgery finished at 3am. When I went to see Ken afterwards, he seemed more alert and in less pain but hallucinating. His nurse assured me that was normal after such a procedure. In the next few days Ken's condition wasn't improving. He was on intravenous antibiotics to treat septicaemia but nothing seemed to be working. He was in pain, still confused, still hallucinating and still falling asleep half way through a sentence. On Tue 12th Jan late in the evening one of the doctors took me to one side and said they discovered new murmurs in Ken's heart and that he needed an emergency open heart surgery to replace 3 of his heart valves. I remember asking him if my husband was going to die but he said No, his young and his heart is healthy. The same evening we were transferred to another specialist hospital and the surgery was scheduled for Thursday 14th Jan at 7:30am - they wanted to wait for one of the best surgeons in the country to perform it. The next day, Wed 13th Jan Ken was in a really bad state - barely able to breath or talk, confused and asleep most of the time. I told him I would come to see him one hour before the surgery, 6:30am the next day (nurses agreed). When I arrived after 6am the next morning, to my astonishment Ken was his usual self, fully alert but unusually quiet (he wasn't that alert since he was first admitted on 7th Jan). I laid my head on his chest, we hugged and that's how our last hour together was. Around 7:30am they came to take him to the theatre, I walked with him all the way, kissed him and said I would be there when he woke up. He never did. They said the surgery would last around 3 hrs if all was well. It lasted 7. They didn't let me see Ken after the surgery. He was put in an induced coma and transferred to ICU. The next day, Friday 15th I was told his blood pressure dropped dangerously low in the morning and they almost lost him. When I saw him in ICU, under all the cables, tubes and noisy machinery, I almost collapsed - thanks God his sister was holding me. Sat 16th Jan he was still in a coma and I was slowly starting to break. I think it was then that I realised how serious it was. Even then though it wouldn't cross my mind Ken could die. On Sun 18th Jan I came to see Ken in the morning. I remember it was snowing (which is rather unusual in London). I was holding Ken's hand telling him about the weather outside, how much I loved him and that I was waiting for him and that my mum was coming to stay with me that evening. On Monday 18th I was told that gangrene developed on Ken's feet and they would need to be amputated. They also told me Ken might have already had a stroke and be brain damaged but they couldn't confirm as he was still is a coma. We agreed they would start waking him up the next day. When I talked to Ken that day Monday 18th and asked him to show me he can hear me, he would blink as an answer to my questions. Despite all that I was told by his doctor, I still had hope. On Tue 19th Jan I was in hospital 11.10am (ICU visiting times). They didn't let me in and asked to wait in the hallway. I saw commotion and Ken being rushed to the theatre. I KNEW that was it. Some 20mins later his doctor came out and told me my husband passed away. I didn't believe him but he wasn't lying. Ken died. 11:56am on a fucking Tue 19th Jan 2016 from sepsis and infective endocarditis. His heart literally fell apart and so did mine. 2nd Feb was his funeral.

I love it. So beautifully put. That's how I am feeling too. 19th Jan 2020 will be 4 years for me and I too miss him more then words can say.

@laurie27 well done for making such great plans. In my first year I was struggling to do the dishes on a daily basis let alone organise Christmas. Having your friends around sounds good fun and as Melissa said, it is very impressive. Don't know you but very proud of you x

Yes, that's how I have felt too. Sadness doesn't preoccupy my mind every second of the day as it used to and it makes me fell like I didn't love Ken enough? My logical mind knows it's stupid but I can't help feeling this way

Dear @simon8164. It's coming up to 4 years (19th Jan) since my husband is gone and even though my grief is different to what it was in the first couple of years, it is and always will be there and I too can't wait to the day I am reunited with him. Last Sun was my birthday and all I could think of was - 1 year less without Ken. Same with every 19th Jan - in the first years it was the hardest day, now - I almost celebrate it as a year less without Ken. Hang on there, time flies and you will see your Maria sooner then you think xx

After my Ken passed away I sort of stopped giving a sh%*t about people. On one hand I have more patience for them but on the other, If they let me down a few times, I wave goodbye and move on. @KrypticKat, sorry to say but your friend doesn't sound like a friend. Point scoring is pathetic and if she doesn't understand how you feel/ have felt in your grief, she doesn't deserve your friendship. I'd rather be on my own then waste my limited energy on such toxic relationships.

I can somehow relate to your story @Steph. Ken had 2 sons with his previous partner and whilst they were in touch (Ken was, they only contacted Ken if they needed money), they didn't show up when he was ill/ in hospital/ dying. It was only me there. As soon as he died though, 4 days after he died to be specific, they showed up at our flat (two sons and Ken's family and friends) and started pushing me to give them our car and motorbike. At that point, 4 days after Ken passed away, I was barely able to breath but somehow got all my strength, stood up and and told the lot to LEAVE, pointing at the door. Ken's big sister didn't come to his funeral 2 weeks later because I apparently offended her and now his family and friends hate me because I was disrespectful to them when asked them to leave. It bothered me in the first months but now I couldn't care less. As for his sons, I gave them our bike a month after Ken passed away and helped them get some money from Ken's workplace too but they clearly want nothing to do with me. So it be. From my experience and as PaulZ said, you owe them nothing. They could be in touch with their dad but chose not to. Death brings worst out of some people. They suddenly start digging and trying to benefit from one's death. Leave it. They will not appreciate whatever you do and will only do your head in

@Steph It's coming up to four years since Ken is gone and it has got better in a sense of being able to function "normally". I go to work, vary rarely (once in a few months) meet up for a drink with my closest friends, plan holidays with my family and I am able to enjoy it. However, I still wear my engagement/ wedding rings and very much look forward to dying and re-uniting with my husband for eternity. And I too get many signs, not daily but when I either directly ask for it or Ken knows I need. I guess everyone is different, like Maureen said. Some will move on with their lives faster then others, some will never do. And no, time doesn't heal anything. You get used to leaving with pain.

I understand anger issues @Sillyjerkycat. I was fuming in the first year in particular. Now, I rarely get upset. People don't have a clue but they will get it when it happens to them. Try ignoring it x

I hear you @trying2breathe Being asked how you are / how your weekend was etc are always hard for me to answer. Even now, 3.5years on. I always pause and think - shall I say the truth or I simply respond, Im fine thanks, to shut the conversation. I usually do the latter.

People don't know what to say and often say stupid shit. I prefer "I'm sorry for your loss" to "everything happens for a reason", "life goes on" or "you are young, you will find somebody. Your husband would like you to be happy". F*** off