Don't know how to help my daughter

[Fuchsia]

I am having a really rough time with my daughter K.  She is 7.  We are nearly 4 months out from losing her dad (Rob).  She has been "ok" throughout this, but I can tell that she isn't.  We have dealt with a lot of worries, stomach upsets and behavior problems.  I expected all of that.  She just lost her daddy and he meant the world to her.  What I wasn't ready for is the daddy meltdowns. We are trying so hard to find a way to be ok with this new family of just the two of us.  But really we are so used to having Rob around to help to balance us out. When K and I would have moments of frustration he was always there to help us calm down.  To take that moment of time out with him to just be grounded and feel ok.  It made us better to have him.  But now he isn't here to do that with.  So we get into the middle of a hard moment and all of a sudden she is bawling for her daddy.  Or we have to go to school and she can't make it out of the house cause of daddy.  When she was "ok" just the moment before.  Those were the moments he would step in with hugs for us both. I've explained that we can't stop living.  We have to keep going.  Even if it is hard.  But in moments like that she doesn't want to.  And I don't blame her.  I don't want to either.  All I want to do is hold her and cry because we are both hurting so much.  But that isn't going to get us to school and work!  It hurts so much to see my baby so sad.  But there is nothing I can do because I'm just as sad and I don't know how to help me.

 

I've got an email into her school counselor.  Maybe she can help. 

 

I just want my family back!

[Guest TooSoon]

My daughter was newly 6 when my husband died after a traumatizing 2 years with terminal brain cancer.  He and my daughter were very, very close.  It isn't an easy road but you're going to do it together and come out of it with a strong bond as a result. 

 

My parenting road has been tough; I am not a natural and am freely willing to own that.  With that said, I don't know if any of this will be helpful but here are some of the things I have done that have helped: 

 

1) Be consistent.  Even if you're miserable, your presence and accountability is paramount even if you're in your pajamas at 3pm on a weekday or if PBandJ is the best you can muster for dinner. 

2) It is ok if she sees you cry or if you admit that you do not have all of the answers all of the time.  It gives them license to cry themselves and validates their own feelings of sadness.

3) Reinforce that you are in it together, that you are a team and that you will always, always be there for her.

4) Find a counselor for her.  To be honest, I couldn't pinpoint just what it is that M's counselor does to help her but she has appreciated that ongoing relationship and knowing she has her counselor in her corner.  I've kept it up for more than two years now just for consistency; for reasons, like I said, I can't explain, it has definitely been worth the money and the commitment of time.

5) Join Girl Scouts.  My daughter - an only child - has really responded to being part of a communnity of little girls where acceptance and tolerance and citizenship are the primary messages.  Plus, its fun.  I also committed to swim team every summer - same kids, lots of fun but the key has been in her growing confidence that summer is here and swim team will happen again.  Consistency, constancy, predictability, teamwork.

6) If cancer was a part of your life, there is an amazing camp called Camp Kesem; there are chapters on college campuses all over the country.  It is sleep away camp (my daughter went for her first year at 7) but all of the children have lives touched by cancer in one way or another.  It is free and the children tend to go back year after year and becoming counselors themselves eventually.  We are going back for our third year this year.  It is a place where it is just a given that everyone else there gets it.  We hosted a "bago" at my house with a ton of kids who also lost a parent and meeting those kids has helped M, too, and have met up for lunches and dinners with other widows with children.  I highly recommend reaching out to other widows with children if there are any close by.

7) I couldn't keep up with work, parenting and all of my relationships.  I let most of them fall but the wayside but I kept two families with little girls close and they've become like family to us.  Sometimes they're too busy, sometimes we are but there has been a certain level of predictability in knowing that New Year's Eve, Mother's Day, birthdays, etc will involve these same families and their girls.  I had to work at it and make myself go to things even when I didn't want to and I had to let them in to see how traumatized I was but they stepped up.  If you can identify a family or a couple of families who you know you could call with what seems like an insane request (CAn you take M to this birthday party for me? Can you pick M up at school because I can't get away from work?  Can we sleep over tonight because I can't stand to be alone for one more night?). 

8. I've worked hard to convey the message that there is no such thing as "normal."  We've gone to rock concerts together (lots of looks), eaten popcorn for dinner, skipped Christmas, made enormous messes baking bread and making insane art projects, taken a carriage ride through colonial Philadelphia, I let her draw and paint all over her bedroom walls.  If you have to live this life, then might as well make the best of it and do whatever the hell you want....It is somehow liberating for both of us to balk at the "rules" and "norms" and just do our own thing sometimes.

 

I won't give you platitudes and I'm not telling you what to do but these are some of the things that, in retrospect, helped.  I really struggled and still struggle with parenting alone.  Summon all of the support you can identify and capitalize on.  I waited too long to do this but the more my daughter has felt like she is part of a big inclusive unconventional chosen-family, the better things have been.    You can do this and you two will do it together.  For what it is worth, it does get better and your confidence will grow with time. 

 

If you ever want to talk, I am available.  Lots of people here who knew me and my posts in the months that I had to learn to parent alone will confirm that I was a complete and utter basket case; it might have terrorized me almost as much as brain cancer did.  It is like learning a foreign language but once you do it for a while you realize you're actually starting to get it and even get it right.  You two will find your stride.  Sending all of my support and empathy. 

 

Edited To Add: 9.  Try not to be too hard on yourself.  I beat myself up too much and for way too long.  These things take time to work through but you will find your balance and, like I said, enjoy a uniquely strong bond as a result.

[RobFTC]

Fuchsia, I am so sorry that she is hurting, that you're hurting, and that you have to invent a new dynamic in your relationship (which can feel kind of like changing out a piston while the engine is running).  I have one strong-willed daughter that I can butt heads with, and I have had to learn new strategies to lead us to better ways of interacting.  It sucks to have to figure this stuff out alone.

 

I loved TooSoon's post, it sounds very wise to me.  I guess I would add: don't confuse love with letting her get away with disruptive things and making bad choices.  She needs you to be her calm limit-setter on a few issues that really matter, and if the limits are wobbly, she can be more insecure.  In the Love and Logic thread, there's some stuff you might want to consider.  I think it's a way to enjoy your time together more, fight less, and keep those limits in a steady place without being an ogre.  It's a grab bag of ideas, many which work well and some which I haven't had much luck with, but the stuff that works has been great for us.

 

Take care,

Rob T

[Trying]

I don't have anything more to add to the great advice you've already received but I wanted to send you support. My childrens' grief has been the most difficult part of all of this. It does get easier over time but these early months are heartbreaking. Continue to be her safe place to let out her emotions and maintain consistent expectations.

[daysofelijah]

My 8 yo daughter is a very emotional kid. She has extreme trouble dealing with and working through emotional meltdowns. She's always been like this, but the loss of her father certainly has exacerbated it. She has started seeing the school counselor this year and it seems to have really helped.

[fuchsiasky]

This is Fuchsia.  I had to change my account due to tech stupidity. 

 

K has been seeing her counsellor at school again.  It is helping.  I had a chat with her too and she told me that even though it is tough right now K is actually acting entirely normal for her age. All the chaos and defiance is mostly her being 7.  Yes there is daddy sadness too, but that's only part of it.  She said to ride it out at best we can.  And that she and the school are there for K.  Apparently she does great at school once we can actually get there.