fuchsiasky

I had a thought come to me in the last days. Greif is love with no place to go. So I reopened my ok cupid account. It's not so much the lonely that is getting me. It's this ache to love. To share with people. A person. I found a man who has a lovely smile. He had silly pictures with his kids up. It made me smile for real. He sparkled at me. So I messaged him. Nothing. Sigh. But I had this feeling that he hadn't seen the message. So I might have check Facebook for him and found him. But that seemed awfully creepy. So I left it. But I couldn't stop thinking about the guy. What if I messaged him. I couldn't get his smile out of my mind. So after much deliberation. I sent a message. As nice and non creepy as possible. And he replied. Said it was cute. We talked for a few hours and it was lovely. We escalated to Facebook friends so he can now stalk me. Hahaha But I made a friend. A good conversation is a great start to something. I'm glad I was the brave secret admirer who sent the note. He said it made his night. I'm still smiling.

Thank you for posting that. I needed it today I think. Her story is close to mine. And today it hurts a lot. It helps to know I'm not the only one who is this fucked up

I want to be ready to date. I miss being with someone so much. But I don't know if I'm ready. I'm so scared to let someone close. My last guy died. And I miss rob so much. I don't know if it would be fair to a new guy. I've gone on a couple dating sites and got swarmed by guys all wanting sex. It was overwhelming and I left pretty quick. I just looked at one for single parents and found a guy. He has pictures of his daughters doing his nail polish. Rob always let our daughter do that. I burst into tears. Because I want to message him. But I'm so scared to. And what if I only like him cause he is like rob. I don't know. I do know I'm lonely and want someone. My cuddle pillow, cats and kid are not enough.

Christmas without Rob blows. I am not enjoying the season. It was my birthday last week, then DD8 on Saturday, then Christmas, then new years which is also Robs birthday. I'm tired and sad and want to curl up and hide. DD told me that December is hard and she hates it. We are both feeling like we could just skip whole thing. We will try and find some little joys. But this holiday is brutal.

The sitter is my mom so that is a challenge. I've asked her to not lecture but it just doesn't happen. It's a big respect issue for us. So if daughter doesn't want to see meddling grandma I kinda understand. At the same time I am the parent so need to make the things that need to happen happen. We did have a successful store trip recently. So it's getting a bit less bad...I hope

Theres a font that has been designed to make reading easier for dyslexic people. It bonds the letters on the bottom and changes the stems a bit. Helps to keep them from switching around. Good luck is all I have beyond that. And good job for advocating for her.

My daughters school and classmates were really supportive. Made cards and sent a food hamper. It was so sweet. I was able to go in and talk to the class with kaiya and the school counselor. I explained what happened and answered questions. A parent layer thanked for that. It opened the conversation so they could continue it with their parents at home. I'm so grateful to the school for being awesome

I wish I could just leave her at home. But she is just too young still. Another year or 2. I've tried for a sitter. My mom would come. But she doesn't want someone coming in to rescue us cause they will lecture her about being nicer to me. Which doesn't help at all I know she has it rough missing Rob. We both do. I wish I could just make the pain go away We had a good cuddle athe bedtime. Reaffirmed our love and agreed that even when we don't like each other we do still love each other. Thank you for the suggestions and support. I really appreciate it

She has been super clingy. Won't go for sleepovers. Just wanted me. Well she's done with me now. Sleepover at grandma's is planned for this week. We agree we both need a break.

She is 8 in a month and in grade 3. This past year has been so hard for her I know. I get it. But we have to try and be a team. I need her help here. We can need him but it's not going to happen. We have to figure it out.

My daughter is nearly 8. We have now been a year without her dad. And oh do we miss him! When he was alive he was our balance. My daughter and I are very very alike and butt heads at points. He would step in and help us. Give us a break from each other. Support us or distract us. Just something. He was there and it made things better. But now... I don't feel like I'm cut out to be a single mom. This wasn't the deal. It was supposed to be 2 parents. I'm so angry that it's not like that. So is my daughter. We were supposed to have a daddy involved. She is being so defiant lately. Time for bed. No. Time to eat. No. Time to put on pants and go buy food. No no no no no. She won't do anything that I ask of her. We got into a massive fight cause we needed to go shopping and she just refused. Ended with both if us crying. We did make it to the store though. But only cause I broke down completely. This is insane. I don't know what to do. I love that child more than anything in the world. But right now I do not like being a mom.

I've had a hell of a year. Lost my husband, grandma and a friend all to cancer. What would have been our 2 year wedding anniversary was last week. Our 11 year is Friday. His death anniversary is the 18th. I'm overwhelmed already. So broken. And today came the news that my grandpa has cancer. They say it's an easy one. But still. This is the last thing I need. And the procedure for it is on the 18th. Of course. Thing is I'm numb. I've got no emotions on this one at all. I found out and haven't felt a thing. This is my grandpa and I love him. But I got nothing. Maybe I've finally reached the end of my emotional rope. Maybe after all these anniversaries I'll feel again. I dunno.

Mine is a tattoo. It didn't take well the first time so I just had it redone for my first anniversary without him. That's at 11 months. If I meet another man that I love he can have another finger. I'll tattoo it for him. ☺

Fuck friends that ignore you cause you're sad.

I miss it so much! We used to talk for hours after the kids were in bed. We'd sit with our phones and show each other silly things, or talk about the movies we just watched, or plan for the future....or or or.... Now it's just me and facebook and boredom. I don't even want to watch tv cause I have no one to talk about it to and it just makes me sad.

Give it time. There will be a time when we can see past the memories of illness and grief to the person that we had and loved. Still love. But the illness can be so hard to get past. We have to process all the emotions that come with that as well. Its not easy. I find myself looking back on old pictures, trying to recapture the memories of the healthy man I had. I hope that in time the sad memories may fade and the good ones may resurface.

I realized last night that maybe I am thinking about this backwards. I have been looking at all the people who can't handle my sad. In truth there are 3 people in my life (sister, best friend, brave friend) who are in no way afraid of me at my worst. That said they are some of the fiercest people I know. But I don't scare them. They just listen and wait it out and tell me the truth as they see it. I'm so used to showing the real me. It's difficult to hide it.

It's very difficult when we have lost so much of our spouses before they even died. There is so much grieving that happens ahead of time. It can make it feel wrong after in a way. I would do anything to have Rob back - the Rob before cancer. But I lost so much of him over the past 3 years that the man who died wasn't the man who he was before he got sick. It makes it extra hard in some ways. So many of the recent memories are so rough. I had to give so much of myself to caregiving that I feel like the cancer sucked me dry. It is ok to not feel sad for the loss of the sick spouse. It is ok to have done that grieving already. And this single parent, who was never supposed to be a single parent, thing is super hard. I am there too. It bites. I am told that wherever we are and whatever we are doing is ok. This is about survival and our minds are not right at the moment. And that's ok. All things will change and be what they are supposed to be in time. (I hope!) Hugs.

Good morning all. Or crappy morning all if you're having a day like me. I am missing my Rob so much today. I just want to cry and cry. I went to bed really early last night just to get away from my sadness. It didn't work. Its still here. I am so sad and lonely. But I can't tell anyone or they will all go away. I don't know what to do. I am so miserable so much of the time. It is kind of my base emotion - sad and lonely. Friend and family ask me how I am and I try to tell them something resembling the truth - as that is what they have asked me to do- but it just makes people uncomfortable and they leave. Like a friend will text and ask how I am and I tell them that I am having a rough time and then they just don't text back. I know that it is hard to deal with me. I don't want to deal with me either! But it doesn't help to just back away and say nothing. It makes me feel worse. I don't know who I can trust with the truth. So I give them kinda half assed answers that let them know that I'm not good but I don't tell them how bad I am really doing. And if it is a lonely day like today then it makes it so much harder. I just want to reach out to people but I am so scared they will just back off. I just want a hug but I'm scared to ask for one. It isn't everyone. There are some people I can't bullshit. They see right through it. They just give me hugs and try to help me with the practical things that I am not doing when I am too sad (like the f-ing dishes!). This is too hard!

Its sunny. Its a short day at work. I remembered to bring my lunch. Not huge things, but they are good things.

I hate to say this but the online cancer groups are not great. I had a really hard time finding the right place to be. The cancer connect site was ok. It has a caregiver section at least. The best help I found was from the Cancer Centre at the hospital. They were good at least. Best of luck to her.

So very sorry. Big hugs.

I see people who are happy. They are in relationships or have spouses. They have love. A person to hug. A someone who belongs to them and who they belong to. I feel so jealous. I just want that back.

I still have all Rob's underwear. I'm keeping the boxers for me cause they're comfy under my skirts. I always used to steal them! The rest though I have no idea what to do with. I also kept his ratty old shorts that were his favorite. I will probably never get rid of them. I just can't bring myself to do it. Even though they are the ugliest thing ever!

I also have a giant stuffed moose that sleeps in my bed. It belongs to my daughter and was given to her shortly before Rob died. We put Rob's Darth Vader shirt on it and spray it with his cologne. Its name is Moose Vader. We cuddle him when we miss Rob too much.