Multiple Losses

[DragonTears]

Six deaths in seven years.  Everything just gets jumbled up in your head and it's hard separate the grief by person anymore.  Not all of them were as close as my mother and husband, but they all had an impact for different reasons.  And just when you think God will throw you a bone and help the last one get better, he takes her too, leaving you there, a ball of grief wrapped in a blanket of despair and you wonder what the purpose was for all of this.  Because everything has to have a purpose.  If it doesn't, than everything that we've just done and all of hell we just went through together was pointless.

 

So I try to be kind to everyone because who knows what hell is behind their veil, but inside I'm praying to God for the grace to continue on because the struggle to do for myself what I gladly did for others is now more than I can bear.  It wasn't easy, but it was necessary and many times doing for ourselves doesn't seem as important or necessary.

 

I am old now.  I spent 26 years as caregiver.  I would not change that, but that doesn't mean that I don't think about all that I've lost.  All that we've lost.  There are many things I can't fix anymore or they are so far gone, it will take a lot of money and time and pain to fix them.  I don't know if it's worth it at this point.  So sometimes I just want to give up.  Everyone has well wishes, but no one really seems to have an answer for me.  It appears that once again, "the only way out is through",  but I'm through with through.  I want an escape route, a back hatch, and auxiliary panel, a life jacket, a way out.  I want to start all over gain and have it turn out right this time.  I want that fairy tale wedding and marriage.  I want that job that comes with respect from peers and a paycheck that makes life easier for me and my family after I'm gone.  I want a chance to make something out my myself with my own ideas and my own talents.  But there is such a thing as too late.  Everyone wants you to think there isn't, but there comes a time when an older woman just has to step aside and let younger women take their place, even if I never had mine.

 

[Bluebird]

((((DragonTears)))),

 

I know these virtual hugs don't really cut it, but it's the best I can do.

 

I'm so sorry for the losses you have suffered over the years - both of those you hold close to your heart and the loss of self and opportunity that comes from years, even decades, of caregiving.

 

That fairytale life you write about so beautifully is also elusive. Elusive enough for me to completely agree with you - even for those who appear to have it, "who knows what hell is behind their veil"?

 

I wish you courage and strength as you find your way through these losses,

 

Take care, Bluebird

 

 

 

 

[ladybug]

I wish I had magic words for all of us....to take away the pain....but I don't have magic words.

 

I do understand the pain of loss....I too have lost  a lot of very special folks through out the years.

 

Someone gave me this saying and I put it on my fridge....hope it helps a bit...

 

NEW BEGINNINGS ARE OFTEN DISGUISED AS PAINFUL ENDINGS.

 

 

[piecesofapart]

DragonTears -

I am so sorry for your losses...I have followed in a similar pattern...7 people in 8 years.

4 lived their lives to the fullest and the end- I know and am sure they had many trials to overcome.

 

The other 3 died before 50...first my best childhood friend.. then my greatest love and best friend I will ever have... my husband..than my first best friend- my sister.

 

I too feel as you do..why bother and I stay in bed or don't do anything....thankfully some days I am still able to bother..I am blessed with having my prayers answered to have hope and faith.

 

Wish I had the magic wand to wave for us all...only thing I know for sure is...

 

~If we just carry on....we will find a way...~