piecesofapart

It's been a long journey- 6 years just passed this week. Glad the anguish is behind me... the crying on the way to and from work...just laying in bed staring at the wall. But now it's taken on a new feeling. I don't feel married anymore- that feeling just started a few weeks ago.- But I guess after 2,194 days of not being with someone it was bound to come to this.Marriage with him of 17 years seems so far away. Maybe I've arrived at the new me? How long did it take you to NOT feel married anymore?

Wonderful News!

Beautiful writing from the depths of your soul--have touched mine. Wishing you peace...

I get it..for some reason..this year (4th) was really hard. I'm glad the tough part of the year is over until the summer (our wedding anniv.)

I feared that too- so I came up with this response. It's complicated and hard to talk about his death- I'd rather tell you about his life. He was a great guy with an amazing mechanical ability- and the best husband where it mattered most. I was blessed to be his wife for 17 years. Then I change the subject... I've only had two people ask..they were people who knew I was married. The hair dresser asked me- it was early on..and I did not want to break down in the hair salon- so I just said- you know I kinda just want to get my hair done and go back home. She was so embarrassed- she gave me 50% off. Now if it's new people asking where it does not matter like polite chit chat with a one time encounter I just say- I'm not married. If it's someone I want to be friends with and feel comfortable around- I tell them- He suffered a lot- over the years- the last two years he did everything the doctors suggested- but still got sicker and sicker...sometimes mental illness is fatal. Hugs...

I see many have viewed your post...wish I had some recommendations..hopefully a mental health facility will be more helpful. Wishing them all the best.

Definitely NO~ like I said it creeps me out!

Thanks everyone...now he just texted me saying He'd like my mailing address so he can mail me a Valentine Card...ugh!!!!!

I lost my husband about 4 years ago- and my BIL lost my sister about 2 years ago. I've been trying to be supportive and we text about twice a month..just say HI- and see how each other is doing- plus we see each other though the year at family events. He is a nice guy and has always been a great BIL. He told my quite early on after he lost my sister that he though it would make sense if we started dating. I told him then... in a nice way- that will never happen...but I wanted to be supportive of him as I kinda knew what he must be going thru- plus I felt like I was looking out for him on my sister's behalf. This past summer we went to have lunch and to see a movie...I made it clear..just as friends to support one widow to another widower- I knew he was lonely and did not get out much- so I though it would do him good. He again asked me if I would consider dating him- and I said no- you are like a brother to me- I've known you since I was a teen- we are both now in our 50's. I told him you are a great guy, but it would just be too creepy- and I could not ever see myself doing that. He said he understood and dropped it. But I still felt a little uncomfortable around him. Now about 8 months later- he texted me asking me again if I'd consider being his "girlfriend". I am getting creeped out again. I did not text back- and his last text said...I guess the answer is No? I know hes lonely and drinks way more than he should...seems like he's going thru a down time again- which I understand. I am wondering if I should mention to my niece? (we are pretty close...I was really close to my sister too.) She did know that we did go out and I made it clear to her and the rest of my family- it was just to support him- nothing romantic. Everyone said- Yeah - that would be a little weird. I said- don't worry It's not ever going to happen. About a year ago- His kids signed him up for a dating site- he mentioned it to me- but said he did not respond to anyone- I encouraged him to give it a try if he was ready. (He asked me if I'd consider a dating site- and I told him I was not ready- I still felt like I had to work on myself yet- and that's a whole other long story...) Any advise on how to handle this situation- and not make it weird- we are a pretty large close family- as I said above I am really close to his children-(they are older- late 20's) and we have several family gatherings throughout the year..but now I feel like I want to just avoid him.

Beautifully said. Death brings wisdom to the living....

So sorry for you loss. Your grief is still raw- when I was at that point- I reached out to a few widow groups. Found one thru a church-was hesitant about going-I don't attend church- but it was free and I was desperate to find somewhere to go. The widows were 20+ or more years older than me...but loss of a spouse connected us. I called several other churches- and none had groups- but one of the pastors knew of a new widow (in my age range) and we connected by having coffee or lunch- it was just nice to talk with someone who got it- she lost her husband a year before I did- so she was a great resource on letting me know what I too might feel later on- and how she was able to get on.) Also found a group (free) thru a hospital (they even had free sessions with grief counselors. Funeral homes sometimes also list places. Also found a widow group thru MeetUP. It was mainly social outings- dinners- concerts-card game afternoons but once a month they did have a meeting where talking about your grief was the main focus. I made friends with two other widows who lived nearby- which was really helpful- just to have someone to take a walk with- have a meal or see a movie and talk openly. They were both on the same timeline of loss I was - so it was helpful to connect with someone and know I was not alone or going crazy. Sadly now after 4 years- those connections have ended- by them ending the group meetings or even sadly the one grief counselor died. My two widow friends moved away- and the one widow I found thru calling the church re-married. So currently I have no connections with any widows...and I miss being able to just talk openly with someone who "gets it." I've tried some other Facebook Widow groups- but have yet to find one where it does not depress me. Honestly this group here is so amazing with some many wonderful people. I don't think I would have gotton this far without all the support here. After 4 years, I now know I have to find the new me. I've joined some groups- a book club, a hiking and yoga group. (found thru MeetUp). I've picked up coloring-as a hobby- it helps keep me calm. There are many groups on Facebook for coloring and sometimes they have monthly coloring challenges- so that helps me keep busy with a project...and have made some On-line friends because of it. Also found an affordable place for massages. I write in a journal...mostly song lyrics and poems- positive quotes I find on Pinerest...when I have a bad day- I read my journal and it helps. It takes time to hash out a new "normal". It's not living- but at least I'm trying... Wishing you peace...

So sorry for your loss and that the situation just makes your grief all that more complicated. My husband completed suicide- I believe it was his 8th attempt. (no one but his mother knew of most of them.) I struggled with what to say... only my close friends and family know- not all of it -just that is was suicide- because sometimes a mental illness can be fatal. What I now say is- It's complicated- but really why does anyone ever die? Their heart stops beating- because it's God's will/ time to take them back.... When it was less than a year out- I came up with this response. It's hard to talk about death and grief right now- I'm really confused about it..so I'd rather tell you how he lived...he was a genius with all things mechanical and the best husband where it mattered most... I am honored to have him in my life. Wishing you peace...

This week it's been 4 years. Can't believe not ONE family member or friend acknowledged my husband's Sadversary. But should not be shocked- no one did the other years either- unless I posted on Facebook. But after the first year and having a friend- who I thought was a good friend- respond... OH Wow it's already been a year? I didn't want to set myself up again.... (Only my bosses- they were sweet- gave me a nice card of support and some treats)...but then again- it was only because I requested some time off.) It's sad that - that life seems so far away- like it never was- even though it was 20 years together...maybe it's all the changes I've made- got a new car, re-did the house- new furniture for a few rooms we spent most of our time in (it was hard looking at the way it was...and seeing "his spot" his chair" and knowing he was never going to sit there again. So at the time I felt I had to make it mine- so - I did some painting, updating yard with planting trees- so the base is the same..it's just the fluff over it. (actually kicking around the idea of moving..but that's a whole other thing...) I still think of my husband many times each day...photos are still up- I like to look at them each day- and still have the little things that made my husband- my husband in an everyday way..like his keys and sunglasses..jacket in closet..the little things still mean a lot and bring me comfort to see if I feel like opening the drawer or closet. But I started crying on the way to work again. And feeling so blah- at the end of the day-like here I come again to "nothingness"- just no energy or drive at all. I've tried to fill my time-and keep moving- but it's really not living- it's just existing and now this week everything just seems so meaningless- like why bother? I know it's the time of his passing- so this time of year- and this week will most likely always be hard-(I also hate that the season is changing- I hate to see summer end) and the memories of the last week of his life are strong. I've lived thru the 1st-year of the shock-and disbelief...and pure anguish ( boy glad that anguish part is over- but it still hits a little bit here and there- but I guess I have gotton used to the punches and they don't hurt so bad -and knock me out anymore- they just sting. Second year- was just starting to feel a bit better- but my sister passed- so another new "fog" began. Third year- I was making an effort to try to find things to make me happy again- and I found some new hobbies to keep me busy. Any insight on the 4th year?

I've always kept his pictures up. It makes me feel like he is still here. I cried while looking at them in the beginning...I have the video of photos on a CD that the funeral home created...can't get thru that without crying...as it's photos from almost every year of his life, plus special occasions. Now almost 4 years. I don't cry looking at the photos I have out anymore- it makes me happy and proud I had such a handsome loving husband...it's comforting and part of what I want to have in my home. However, I went to my nieces wedding about a year ago- and she had a table with all those who crossed over ...sadly the table was full of photos. From those gone many years to those recently. I was sad to see the pictures- but it was nice to see the photos of loved ones looking their best with smiling faces. Near the end unexpectedly there was a photo of my husband (her uncle..last of the family to cross over to that point). I just burst into tears when I saw it- - it hurt so bad that he was not physically there. I was so touched and honored that my niece chose to include him. You just never know when it's going to hit you...no rhythm or reason or exact handbook about how the grief process will unfold. I've learned to make peace with it...it's part of my emotions and being now..I just take it as it comes.

Meemzi...so sorry for your loss and that you are now a member of our group. It will be 4 years in a few weeks that I lost my husband to suicide. For over 15 years I went thru the ups and downs of his illness with him- doing the same things others have posted they've done. The last few days with him were horrible- and similar to yours. Even with all the help we tried to get and sticking by him -I still felt horrible guilt. Thanks to the lovely people in this group I've learned so much. But the most important is something you've already written. That he would have done it anyway. He had a fatal illness..it was just a matter of time. Still the guilt after the first few weeks was destroying me too. Thankfully I felt such an urge to go to church one day. I rarely ever go- but something pushed me to be there that day. The topic was about guilt. What I took away from going that day was...what purpose does guilt serve?- nothing...let it go. I still went round and round some days- as I am sure all of must have done/still do...it's a lot to figure out and organize in your brain. I used to pray for God to help him and heal him. I never thought He would call him home- but if that's God's will then I have to accept it. Only God can give a life or end a life. If people ask me how he died- I just say It was God's will...because that is what I believe to be true. But it still hurt and I still felt guilty. What gives me comfort is that the answer to my question will always be "YES!". The question is...Is he OK now... When I finally got to the end of my guilt- I decided- If my love could have saved him- he would have been the healthiest person ever. Hugs...

Haunting dreams...do you have them? I had one s few weeks ago- and it threw me back down the "rabbit hole" for quite a while. In the dream I was standing at the bottom of our stairs (yes, it's still "ours"). I was trying to walk up the stairs- but could not- kept trying and just could not do it- I got really upset- started crying and saying.."I'm all alone..no one is here to help me..there is no one I can call". And began sobbing and fell to the ground. I looked up and saw my husband at the top of the stairs... he reached his hand out to me- and said, "Here honey... I'll help you." (He looked SOOO good- very healthy and fit- like he was when we first met in our late 20's). I looked at him confused- and just stared and then said,..."How can you be here? you are dead." He disappeared. Right after I heard crying from the back of the house downstairs...then saw my husband again...he was crying...and saying, "I can't help me wife...I can't find my wife- and he started crying uncontrollably." I walked over and said- "I'm right here- I did not go anywhere." And put my arm around him and started rubbing his arm and holding his hand. (it felt sooo good to touch him- I loved holding hands with him...he had the strongest hands that made me feel so protected and secure.) As I thought how good it felt to be touching him (it felt so real!)...he disappeared again. And I woke up- really upset and depressed for days. Still trying to figure out what it all means... But a few days after the dream I was so sick- I had to finally drag myself to the ER...no one to call or be with me...I felt so alone...but made it thru and found out what's been making me so sick lately. But the dream still haunts me...cause -I can take me crying..but to see my husband crying and upset...well it just breaks me to the core...

Hugs... You are an amazing supportive woman and such an inspiration...wishing you all the best of everything!

Sadly I have had to go thru this too. I was married for 17 years- together just a few days shy of 20 years. About a week after my husbands death (3 years+ now) one of his friends called me. He had the nerve to go on about a VERY bad time early on in our marriage- about a year or two into it. It was suspected by me that my husband was doing drugs with this friend- who I'll call "idiot" 's girlfriend- who I'll call "slutella" at the time. Idiot goes on to start talking about it- and how after Slutella and him broke up she admitted to having sex with my husband twice. I told him- you are really going to talk about that Now? He said- Oh I thought you knew? It was always something I suspected- but my husband always denied- and I even confronted Slutella about it and she also denied it- so on one hand Slutella could have just said that to give a last dig to "idiot". I agonized about it...wanted to flush his ashes down the toliet..but I wrote about it here - as I feel I can't tell anyone..and so many kind people of this group gave me support. And said that in the end he stayed with me and I only ever suspected him cheating that one time. However I did have a VERY errie dream about his...I was up in space? heaven with a guide? angel- and I was walked to a door that opened into a room- but looking in everything looked far away. I saw my husband kneeling back to me...a Big Angel same up behind him with a whip made out of what looked like a willow branch. My husband was whipped once- I Started to say no..and try to run towards him and he was whipped again... then my guide took my shoulders and turned me away and I was sent back to my sleeping body... Strange...It bothered me for a long...long..long..time and added to my grief and anguish. But in the end there was so much more to our years than that..and even though I'll never know for sure...I forgive him...as that is all I can do. Wishing you peace...

Saw it last week...for me it was ugh... Overall concept /message was good- but acting was off- just could not get that a woman was playing God. Any reason you think they chose to do that? Jesus was Ok- but his scruffy voice bothered me. The Holy Spirit was good. I know I am picking the movie apart and commenting on the wrong things... But I've never questioned why I'm a widow and need to be reassured is my husband in a better place and at peace... or why bad things happen to good people. To me it's just my life's journey- and my husbands- and he fulfilled his journey and purpose on this plain. I hope I too fulfill my purpose and that one day too receive eternal life.

I went thru many different feelings about my husband's ashes. What to do with the ashes were such a confusing thing for me to figure out. At first- when making funeral arrangements- MIL wanted to put them in the mosolium where his grandparents rest and where she and my BIL will be when their time comes. I didn't like that idea- as it's hard to get to- and I thought..well where will I go when it's my time? My first thought was to spread them at two places he loved..but my MIL thought that was like "dumping" him. This was in the first few days so we felt different then...no disrespect to anyone who has scattered them. Then I thought I'd bury them in place where we loved to go that's near my house- but I would be the one to bury them- and I just could not handle that- and did not feel comfortable asking anyone else to help me. So I just picked them up after the funeral and had them next to my bed the first night...I shed many tears over them and swear I felt his heart beat thru the box. Then after a while I could not take them being there- so I moved them into a guest room. Then when I felt I needed to re-do the house to make the spaces more mine for my day to day sanity...they ended up where they are now..behind me on the shelf. So I have his ashes behind me as I type. The room I am in now used to be my husband's "man-cave". I've since re-done the room into an office/hobby room. Almost all his ashes are on a bookcase in a wooden box. Next to it sits a big picture of a guardian angel. On the shelfs below are photos and mementos. I also have a ring with a white heart that holds a little bit of his ashes. His mom wanted some- so she has a little in a heart on a shelf at her house. At first she just wanted to put them in box- and put them in her closet- and I said firmly- NO- I feel that's wrong...like you are hiding them...he would not want to be in closet. Please think of something that will honor him. So she found a heart- that says LOVE- when you touch it- it's says...Always... (that may have been mean of me..but I felt really strongly about it.) After three years I do like having them here...not sure what will happen later on..but for now...it's what I'm comfortable with. Wishing you peace.

Yep many times..not by doing it myself...but wishing it would just happen. It's been 3 and a half years- and there are more better days now- that I have learned to live with it.. how? one breath at a time really... I used to ask why me? and the answer I got so clearly was...so you help others who come after you. Sadly- I've helped my childhood best friend one year after my husband passed and then my Brother-in law two years after when my sister passed. So now I ask that I fulfill my purpose on earth and learn my life lessons so I too can one day enjoy eternity. Wishing you better days...hugs...

I went to three different ones. One was thru my county- they even let me sit with a private counselor- I went a few times and it helped- I also went to the group sessions a few times. It was all free. Then I went thru one given thru a church- it was 8 weeks long. The woman were all older 65+ except 2. But everyone got along and now after 3 years we still meet once a month and do fun outings. The lady who headed it was wonderful. Another group I found thru MeetUps- it was more of a social group for people who were widowed. It was a nice group- I even hosted a few events to places I wanted to go- but not alone and had a really good time. Meet three really good friends by joining. It was nice to be able to call someone when I needed to get out and was having a bad day...they knew what it was like- so we could jump from talking about our spouse and then talk about a great movie we wanted to see...etc. I think it's worth it..if you don't like it you can stop going...but what if you do like it and it helps ;-D Wishing you peace...

You are right, the hurt does not go away...hopefully some days it's less than others. Wishing you better days...

I am sorry for the reason you are here...but glad you found us. This is truly the best place of all places you can be right now with those who honestly know what you are going thru and will listen and support you. So please feel free to post anytime as much as you want and anything you want- we "get it"- 1000+! This board has helped me so much in so many ways..that I want to try to give back and give new widows hope that they too can learn to live again. My husband completed suicide 3+ years ago...I recall the first days and weeks...and remember that unbelievable pain and how it too broke me. I know it's hard to believe now...but since I've been thru it- I feel I can share that the pain does get manageable if you are willing to reach out and do the things it takes to manage your pain and try to heal from the sorrow…. When you are ready…. There will be many cycles of shock, disbelief, guilt, pain, anger, deep yearning for them and loneliness and pure anguish…and more tears than you could ever imagine. What I’ve learned from going thru the cycles many, many times, is that, really the only way to truly heal is through it – and to just ride the tides of grief and yes, many times it will feel like you are lost in the ocean, just keep swimming as best as you can… This poem helped me to put grief into more perspective and understand what to expect a bit better. A cut finger is numb before it bleeds, it bleeds before it hurts, it hurts until it begins to heal, it forms a scab and itches until finally, the scab is gone and a small scar is left where once there was a wound. Grief is the deepest wound you ever had. Like a cut finger, it goes through stages, and leaves a scar. But how do you face each day until that happens? What got me thru was just taking one moment at a time, remembering to eat and drink water and sleep when I could- if only in little bits. Some days you don’t want to do anything- and that’s OK! Just do what is most important even if it’s only breathing, feeding yourself and resting. Grief will take a lot out of you- so be gentle with yourself and know everyone processes and goes thru it in their own way. My schedule was all out of whack the first weeks- as my life was turned upside down. Going outside- and taking deep breathes...even if it was at 3 in the morning...listening to calming music helped me a great deal and posting here-as been my sanity- everyone is so supportive as only those who have been there can be. If someone asks what they can do- when you have a moment of clarity- make a list and let them pick what they feel they can do for you. (i.e, mow the grass, do laundry, tidy up the house, go grocery shopping, make a meal, etc. – people in the first weeks want to help- let them- it helps them to heal to. However, sadly they will heal and move on with their lives much more quickly then you- and the help won’t always be there- so take it when it’s offered-.) That being said- you'll need to find more in person support than your family and friends can give. There are many on-line groups- which are great- Widda.org IMO is the best and most active- and many on Facebook too- Grief Unspoken is wonderful as well, because you can get support at all times of the day and night. I've learned that getting my thoughts out-helped release them and prevented them from going over and over in my mind so I processed them and began to understand them and accept them. When I was ready to go out and face the world, I found grief groups thru the local hospital and churches- met some nice people who truly understood my anguish. Being able to talk openly and also shed some tears with those who were going thru the same loss was very helpful. (thru the local hospitals hospice division I found a FREE therapist- even though I had nothing to do with the hospital or hospice they were willing to help me- and just being able to talk freely to someone who would not judge me, and just listen- helped a great deal in the first few weeks. It was hard not to dwell on him being “gone forever” but I tried to think of the positives and not let his passing destroy me...as that is not the legacy of his memory I wanted to leave. (He is still with me- death ends a life...not a relationship- so I still talk to him everyday- and have learned to be in tune to the signs he leaves for me to let me know he is still with me...just on the other side.) If you believe in signs too- there is a wonderful group on Facebook- Heaven’s Hellos. Please reach out, I promise it will help. Wishing you peace....