DragonTears

Wow, what happened to this site? I kept trying to find it for so long and kept getting an error message. Hello Bluebird, Sugarbell and Wheelerswife!

. . . sigh. . . thank you for those thoughts, even though the point of my post apparently wasn't clear on any level. Not really looking for advice or someone to "fix me" or cheer me on. The point really was social isolation sucks when you're widowed and single: agree or disagree. That was pretty much it. This section is Beyond Active Grieving; not beyond active venting, which is what we used to do on the old site back in the day. Missing my peeps. Peace out!

Well, I don't know about you, but social isolation is a lot like reliving those early years after our SO's deaths. I feel like I'm slowly going right down the rabbit hole again. I actually started therapy before the virus started. I had two appointments in. Had to tell that whole story all over again. And then just as abruptly as it started, it ended. I have mixed feelings about therapy. I mean all they do is sit there with this stone cold look on their faces and barely react to anything you say. At least this new person does talk. My last one didn't say anything. She just sat there writing and didn't say anything. If I wanted to talk to a wall, I could do that at home for free. Anyway, I'm feeling alone and lonely tonight and thinking about all the years I lost as a caregiver. So I'm just supposed to pick up where I left off and go back to being me. Problem is, I forgot who me is, if I ever knew that in the first place. 26 years is long time. And I'm running out of time, or at least I feel like I am. I don't have years to develop a relationship with someone. I miss someone even being vaguely interested in me. Maybe I'm just not interesting anymore. My co-worker said I needed to stop being so "dour". Coming from him, I was just surprised he knew what the word dour meant.

Hello, I used to be called DT on the old site. DragonTears -- named after my husband who had dragon tattoos on his arms. And he was a huge fan of the "the Dragon" Bruce Lee. I found the old site in 2009 after my husband died. The New York Times labeled it the "summer of death" because of the large number of high profile deaths that summer (link below). I had been laid off from my job six months before and I remember watching all these funerals on TV and sobbing my eyes out. It's not like I personally knew these people, but the collective deaths of all these people that I remember watching from my youth just brought about a heaviness. Anyway on 6/25/09 Michael Jackson died and one month to the day later, my husband died suddenly in a car accident. There were a lot of extenuating circumstances, as well. Anyway, just checking in while my state is on shutdown. It seems like he was there for every major tragic event in this country and we shared tears together. Now here I am alone with no one to share my tears with. https://nymag.com/intelligencer/2009/08/summer_of_death.html

Actually, for me I actually dropped out of sight long ago and this is why I used to post in Special Circumstances on the old board. It is hard to maintain friendships when you are dealing with a spouse with an addiction issue that went on for years. I lost touch with everyone because of that and because of my own layoffs from work. Lately I find myself more and more wanting to reconnect with someone who knew me before all of this and it's hard to find those people. Some have died and some are just off living their lives with their families. There should be a word for the widow of an addict that shows a little more respect than the word "enabler". Feeling very sad today and feeling all of the losses over the years.

My plan is for my family to have a wake that will include all of my favorite songs. I hope my spirit and my husband's spirit will be able sit around the tables and enjoy hearing the music again and hearing their responses to what my favorites were. I need to get started on that list.

I've missed most of the summer because on the weekend, I've been either sick or not wanting to leave my apartment. I sleep a lot and I was going to a lot of doctors recently to figure out what's wrong. I've had anemia in the past. The doctor thinks I have sleep apnea, but I don't really believe that. Since my mother passed, I am alone almost all the time on the weekends. There is really no point to accomplishing anything, because I don't seem to be able to move forward at all. I've just been stuck for so long, that I think I'm just accepting that this is my life now. I was a caregiver for 26 years and now this is what I end up with; a life of being alone and not being understood by even my own family. I tried calling my sister three times this weekend. She always says that she has phone problems, but this has gone on for so long, I think she just doesn't want to deal with me or have me in her life. I tried getting on Meetup to meet people, but on the weekend, I just can't get myself going to shower and get ready to go and see complete strangers, who will probably just think I am weird or something anyway. I have lost my confidence, gained weight and I have a jaw problem that was caused by my abusive father. All of it just takes away my confidence. I'm writing this, not because I expect any answers. Just lonely today, I guess. In June, it was 9 years since my husband passed. I finally took a day off work yesterday. I haven't taken any real vacations in six years. I spent yesterday looking at urns for my husband and trying to make a decision on one. His ashes are still in my apartment. I haven't been able to let them go. Maybe that's what is holding me back. Honestly, I can put on a good show at work and people think I am fine. I am not fine. Funny thing about all those urns I looked at; the website said they were guaranteed for a lifetime.

Hello, Many of you don't know me, but I posted on the old website. I dealt with years of addiction issues with my SO, even though I was often in denial about how bad it really was. It's been a little over eight years since he died in a car accident. What I struggle with a lot, as I see my co-workers and friends with their families and children and nice homes, is that I never got that. We didn't get to have children. The house never materialized because he became disabled and I ended up the primary breadwinner. Our life together was filled with a lot of drama, fights, hardship and often poverty. When we did have money, he would spend it all on drugs, jewelry, other women, flights, and alcohol. There was no peace, no safety, and little happiness. There was love. There was always love. But even that was twisted into something unrecognizable. I miss the life we didn't get to have. I'm wondering where the silver lining is. It's unfair that some people's lives are filled with tragedy and then end in tragedy. What's the lesson in that? I just don't understand it. I miss a life that never happened. I miss the places we never went to. I miss the dreams we never realized. I miss the people we never became.

Someone probably posted this on the old site and I believe it to be the most truth I've ever read about grief and told in a way that doesn't pull any punches. I respect that. I thought it might be worth re-posting here. http://www.rebellesociety.com/2013/12/18/5-lies-you-were-told-about-grief/ In a few days I'll be the same age my husband was when he died. Not a birthday I want to celebrate and even a little more bitter because my mother passed last summer and our birthdays were one week apart. A lot of triggers this last few weeks and a lot of emotions coming to the surface.

Sugarbell and Nuggets, Great to see you both on here. It has been a long time. I guess I've on my own for nine years now. It's tough having to do everything yourself and having no one else to lean on. I remember what our lives were like and they were never great, but we had many dreams that they would get better. This is not exactly of what I dreamed of. Peace.

Yep. Me too. I'm sorry this all sucks.

I'll be honest. I haven't had many close friends over the years, so it is hard for me to judge what a good friend really is. But not hearing from a single friend on weekends, especially the long holiday weekends, doesn't seem like real friendship to me. And I've had many long holiday weekends over the years where the only people I talked to were strangers on Craigslist, who were also home alone with nothing to do. Then you go back to work on Monday morning or Tuesday and everyone says, how was your weekend? How do think it was? It was lonely, sad and depressing, much like the rest of my life. Of course, I never say that, because people like to live in their little bubbles, and I try to be as pleasant as possible at work. If they only knew the truth. Any thoughts about this?

Hello, I haven't been on here in a while, even though my grief is pretty strong after all these years. I think it's because there have been so many losses and the grief just keeps building after each one, that I haven't had enough time between to stabilize. I started to write something and then I thought, oh, who the hell cares anyway. So I'll just say hello to all my fellow wids. Life is not much better. Still here, pluggin away, etc. etc.

Hi Beyondlife, It's good to see you on here. At first I think there is a strong need to hold onto everthing. There was for me but I didn't have much because he had most of his things with him overseas. I do have his green Army jacket with all the patches he had sewn on it. Later the things started to mean less and less because I could hold them but that wouldn't bring him back and that angered me. Nothing could bring him back. Then the anger helped me to purge many things of his and mine because my possesions meant nothing anymore. Now I have to go through the same process with my mothers things only it was accelerated because my sister wanted to get the house sold before winter, which we did. You won't forget! In fact, as the grief starts to melt or morph into something different, little glimpses of your life together will fill your mind when you least expect it and it will feel like you are there in that moment again. Hold on to those moments. They are precious. I'm sorry I didn't get to meet you before you left. DT

Six deaths in seven years. Everything just gets jumbled up in your head and it's hard separate the grief by person anymore. Not all of them were as close as my mother and husband, but they all had an impact for different reasons. And just when you think God will throw you a bone and help the last one get better, he takes her too, leaving you there, a ball of grief wrapped in a blanket of despair and you wonder what the purpose was for all of this. Because everything has to have a purpose. If it doesn't, than everything that we've just done and all of hell we just went through together was pointless. So I try to be kind to everyone because who knows what hell is behind their veil, but inside I'm praying to God for the grace to continue on because the struggle to do for myself what I gladly did for others is now more than I can bear. It wasn't easy, but it was necessary and many times doing for ourselves doesn't seem as important or necessary. I am old now. I spent 26 years as caregiver. I would not change that, but that doesn't mean that I don't think about all that I've lost. All that we've lost. There are many things I can't fix anymore or they are so far gone, it will take a lot of money and time and pain to fix them. I don't know if it's worth it at this point. So sometimes I just want to give up. Everyone has well wishes, but no one really seems to have an answer for me. It appears that once again, "the only way out is through", but I'm through with through. I want an escape route, a back hatch, and auxiliary panel, a life jacket, a way out. I want to start all over gain and have it turn out right this time. I want that fairy tale wedding and marriage. I want that job that comes with respect from peers and a paycheck that makes life easier for me and my family after I'm gone. I want a chance to make something out my myself with my own ideas and my own talents. But there is such a thing as too late. Everyone wants you to think there isn't, but there comes a time when an older woman just has to step aside and let younger women take their place, even if I never had mine.

My mother lost her long battle with Myasthenia Gravis this week. She had "broken heart syndrome" and declined after the Cardiac Cath procedure. We had to withdraw treatment and let her go because of her DNR and Do Not Intubate. I feel traumatized by it. She lost consciousness because they put her on Benedryl so she wouldn't react to the dye in the procedure. She became acidotic and we didn't think we would speak with her again, but the doctor's were able to oxygenate her enough to bring her back so that we could say our goodbyes before she went under again. Chapel memorial is this coming Thursday at 11:00. I am playing this song to honor her Polish heritage.